The Cords of Vanity. A Comedy of Shirking

our greatest dramatist having been a drinking man. It quite depressed me all through the play to think of him hobnobbing with Dr. Johnson at the Tabard Inn, and making such irregular marriages, and stealing sheep—or was it sheep, now?'

I said that, as I remembered, it was a fox, which he hid under his cloak until the beast bit him.

'Well, at any rate, it was something extremely deplorable and characteristic of genius, and I quite feel for his wife.' Mrs. Rabbet sighed, and endeavored, I think, to recollect whether it was Ingomar or Spartacus that Shakespeare wrote. 'However,' she concluded, 'they play Ten Nights in a Barroom on Thursday, and I shall certainly bring the children then, for I am always glad for them to see a really moral and instructive drama. That reminds me! I absolutely must tell you what Tom said about actors the other day—'

And she did. This led naturally to Matilda's recent and blasphemous comments on George Washington, and her observations as to the rector's dog, and little Adey's personal opinion of Elisha. And so on, in a manner not unfamiliar to fond parents. Mrs. Rabbet said toward the end that it was a most enjoyable chat, although to me it appeared to partake rather of the nature of a monologue. It consumed perhaps a half-hour; and when we two at last relinquished Mrs. Rabbet to her husband's charge, it was with a feeling not altogether unakin to relief.

7

We walked slowly down Fairhaven's one real street, which extends due east from the College for as much as a mile, to end inconsequently in those carefully preserved foundations, which are now the only remnant of a building wherein a number of important matters were settled in Colonial days. There Cambridge Street divides like a Y, one branch of which leads to Willoughby Hall.

Our route from the Opera House thus led through the major part of Fairhaven, which, after an evening of unwonted dissipation, was now largely employed in discussing the play, and turning the cat out for the night. The houses were mostly dark, and the moon, nearing its full, silvered row after row of blank windows. There was an odour of growing things about, for in Fairhaven the gardens are many.

Then it befell that I made a sudden exclamation.

'Eh?' said Charteris.

'Why, nothing,' I explained, lucidly.

It may be mentioned, however, that we were, at this moment, passing a tall hedge of box, set about a large garden. The hedge was perhaps five feet six in height; Charteris was also five feet six, whereas I was an unusually tall young man, and topped my host by a good half-foot.

'I say,' I observed, after a little, 'I'm all out of cigarettes. I'll go back to the drug-store,' I suggested, as seized with a happy thought, 'and get some. I noticed it was still open. Don't think of waiting for me,' I urged, considerately.

'Why, great heavens!' Charteris ejaculated; 'take one of mine. I can recommend them, I assure you—and, in any event, there are all sorts, I fancy, at the house. They keep only the rankest kind of domestic tobacco yonder.'

'I prefer it,' I insisted, 'oh, yes, I really prefer it. So much milder and more wholesome, you know. I never smoke any other sort. My doctor insists on my smoking the very rankest tobacco I can get. It is much better for the heart, he says, because you don't smoke so much of it, you know. Besides,' I concluded, virtuously, 'it is infinitely cheaper; you can get twenty cigarettes all for five cents at some places. I really must economize, I think.'

Charteris turned, and with great care stared in every direction. He discovered nothing unusual. 'Very well!' assented Mr. Charteris; 'I, too, have an eye for bargains. I will go with you.'

'If you do alive,' quoth I, quite honestly, 'I devoutly desire that all sorts of unpleasant things may happen to me for not having wrung your neck first.'

Charteris grinned. 'Immoral young rip!' said he; 'I warn you, before entering the ministry, Mr. Rabbet was accounted an excellent shot.'

'Get out!' said I.

And the fervour of my utterance was such that Charteris proceeded to obey. 'Don't be late for breakfast, if you can help it,' he urged, kindly. 'Of course, though, you are up to some new form of insanity, and I shall probably be sent for in the morning, to bail you out of the lock-up.'

Thereupon he turned on his heel, and went down the deserted street, singing sweetly.

Sang Mr. Charteris:

  'Curly gold locks cover foolish brains, 
  Billing and cooing is all your cheer, 
  Sighing and singing of midnight strains 
  Under bonnybells' window-panes. 
  Wait till you've come to forty year!

 'Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, 
  Grizzling hair the brain doth clear; 
  Then you know a boy is an ass, 
  Then you know the worth of a lass, 
  Once you have come to forty-year.'

6. He Chats Over a Hedge

1

Left to myself, I began to retrace my steps. Solitude had mitigated my craving for tobacco in a surprising manner; indeed, a casual observer might have thought it completely forgotten, for I walked with curious leisure. When I had come again to the box-hedge my pace had degenerated, a little by a little, into an aimless lounge. Mr. Robert Etheridge Townsend was rapt with admiration of the perfect beauty of the night.

Followed a strange chance. There was only the mildest breeze about; it was barely audible among the leaves above; and yet—so unreliable are the breezes of still summer nights,—with a sudden, tiny and almost imperceptible outburst, did this treacherous breeze lift Mr. Townsend's brand-new straw hat from his head, and waft it over the hedge of trim box-bushes. This was unfortunate, for, as has been said, the hedge was a tall and sturdy hedge. So I peeped over it, with disconsolate countenance.

2

'Beastly awkward,' said I, as meditatively; 'I'd give a great deal to know how I'm going to get my hat back without breaking through the blessed hedge, and rousing the house, and being taken for a burglar, may be—'