Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness

everyone the proper testing to diagnose and treat autoimmune diseases. PET scans, CT scans, MRIs, IVIG treatment, and plasmapheresis can cost upwards of thousands of dollars each.

“How practical would this screening be?” asks professor of psychology Philip Harvey. “Lumbar punctures for everyone? That’s an impossibility.”

It had cost $1 million to treat me, a number that boggles the mind. Luckily, at the time I was a full-time employee at the Post, and my insurance covered most of the exorbitant price tag. I also had a support system in place. My family was in the fortunate situation of being able to pay out of pocket anything that the insurance company wouldn’t cover or reimburse. Unfortunately, there’s often not the same safety net in place for those with lifelong psychiatric conditions, who are unable to hold jobs and must make do with disability payments and Medicaid.

But this is all the more reason that psychiatrists and neurologists are finding ways to break down the barriers set in place between psychology and neurology, urging for one uniform look at mental illnesses as the neurochemical diseases that they are, and, in the process, perhaps getting more grant money to study the overlap.

“One thought is that this is just a coincidence, that [NMDA-receptor encephalitis] and schizophrenia are unrelated. But Mother Nature doesn’t work that way. The best hypothesis for schizophrenia is that at least some of those cases can also be explained by a [similar] dysfunction,” said Dr. Balice-Gordon.

Dr. Najjar, for one, is taking the link between autoimmune diseases and mental illnesses one step further: through his cutting-edge research, he posits that some forms of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive- compulsive disorder, and depression are actually caused by inflammatory conditions in the brain.

Dr. Najjar is in the midst of groundbreaking work that might finally sever the barrier separating immunology, neurology, and psychiatry. A recent case of his centers on a nineteen-year-old woman who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia by six leading psychiatrists over the course of two years.⁵⁶ When she was seventeen, her symptoms began with auditory hallucinations—“people putting me down and thinking they’re better than I am,” she told Dr. Najjar—followed by visual ones. Late at night, she would see “people’s faces on the walls.”

Her parents did not believe the schizophrenia diagnosis and eventually made their way to New York University, where they met with Dr. Najjar. He ordered a right frontal brain biopsy—something he had learned from my case—that showed the presence of inflammation and antibodies targeting the glutamate receptors in the brain. She was treated with steroids, plasma exchange, and IVIG treatment, which helped with the hallucinations and paranoia, but because the treatment was started so late, it is unclear if she ever will return to her former self.

“Just because it seems like schizophrenia doesn’t mean that it is,” Dr. Najjar told me. “We have to keep humble and keep our eyes open.”

As I researched my article, I was curious to get the perspective of Dr. Bailey, the neurologist who had asserted that my problems stemmed from alcohol withdrawal and stress, to see what he thought about the ultimate diagnosis. When I reached him by phone, though, it turned out he still had never heard of the illness, even though my diagnosis had been discussed in almost every major medical journal, including the New England Journal of Medicine, and the New York Times.

In the spring of 2009, I was the 217th person ever to be diagnosed with anti-NMDA-receptor autoimmune encephalitis. Just a year later, that figure had doubled. Now the number is in the thousands. Yet Dr. Bailey, considered one of the best neurologists in the country, had never heard of it. When we live in a time when the rate of misdiagnoses in the United States has shown no improvement since the 1930s, the lesson here is that it’s important to always get a second opinion.⁵⁷

While he may be an excellent doctor in many respects, Dr. Bailey is also, in some ways, a perfect example of what is wrong with medicine. I was just a number to him (and if he saw thirty-five patients a day, as he told me, that means I was one of a very large number). He is a by-product of a defective system that forces neurologists to spend five minutes with X number of patients a day to maintain their bottom line. It’s a bad system. Dr. Bailey is not the exception to the rule. He is the rule.

I’m the one who is an exception. I’m the one who is lucky. I did not slip through a system that is designed to miss cases just like my own—cases that require time and patience and individualized attention. Sure, when I talked to him, I was shocked that he knew nothing about the disease, but that wasn’t the really shocking part; I realize now that my survival, my recovery—my ability to write this book—is the shocking part.

Yet even after all of this, the most harrowing part of researching and writing the article about my illness was something that I had in no way prepared for: handing over the EEG tapes to my paper’s photo editor, who wanted to use some images of me in the hospital for the piece. I hadn’t yet watched them and at that point did not plan to.

But when he had trouble opening up the disk, he asked me for help. I got it to work and in the process caught a fleeting glimpse of myself in the hospital gown. I was outrageously skinny. Crazed. Angry. Reaching out aggressively toward the camera.

I shuddered and turned away from the image, trying to concentrate on breathing as I forced a smile. I had the intense urge to grab the videos from him and burn them or at least hide them away, safe from view. Even after everything I’d done and learned, maybe I wasn’t ready for this yet. Yet I felt compelled to keep watching.

I had enough distance from my own madness to view it as a hypothetical. But watching myself on screen, up close and personal, obliterated that journalistic distance. The girl in the video is a reminder about how fragile our hold on sanity and health is and how much we are at the utter whim of our Brutus bodies, which will inevitably, one day, turn on us for good. I am a prisoner, as we all are. And with that realization comes an aching sense of vulnerability.

That night I went home and passed a night of fitful dreams that blurred together. In one, I was with my mom and Allen in Summit.

“Remember when you were in the hospital,” my mom said, laughing really hard. “You were so crazy that…”

She was laughing so hard that she couldn’t complete the sentence.

“What happened?” I asked, grabbing a notebook and a tape recorder. She was laughing, gulping in air, too hysterical to talk, still laughing.

There was a second dream that blurred together with this first one. In it, I was on the epilepsy floor, but I was completely naked and in search of a bathroom to hide in. I heard a group of nurses walk by and tried to hide, but as I turned the corner, all of a sudden I saw Adeline, the Filipino nurse from the floor. Now I was fully clothed.

“Susannah,” she said. “I hear you’re not taking care of yourself. What a shame.”

Though I hesitate to draw any Freudian meanings from these dreams, they clearly represent the anxiety I felt about how I behaved in the hospital and how others perceived me during my recovery. This was not where I wanted to be psychologically as I started working on my first major assignment back at the Post. I didn’t want to be frazzled and upset, and these tapes had obviously upset my internal balance.

But, ready or not, on Sunday, October 4, the biggest story of my career ran in the Post under the headline: “My Mysterious Lost Month of Madness: I was a happy 24-year- old suddenly stricken by paranoia and seizures. Was I going crazy?”

CHAPTER 48 SURVIVOR’S GUILT

It is one thing to research your own condition and think abstractly about the other people who have suffered from the same condition; it’s another thing entirely to get to know the people themselves who have run the risk of being lost in the system.