He nodded. “I’ve detected something,” he said, “whenever you speak of her. It’s clear enough now-I mean, the reason for it is. The silver lining is, at least, if she’s fond of the child, you know he’ll be well taken care of.”
At this, well-meant though it no doubt was, my heart stopped. It froze utterly and for good. For I thought I heard in his voice a thread of relief-as though he’d been prepared to take on the duty of raising my child but was happier still not to have to.
Briskly, he said: “Joan, are you ready to go down?”
“… Down?”
“To dinner?”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought.”
“Or would you rather go out?”
I had my duties as well, I realized. And I at least wouldn’t leap at any chance to escape them. “… I imagine the servants would be hurt, after outdoing themselves to please the bride on her first night home, if she decided to eat dinner out. No, let’s have dinner in. May I ask what their names are?”
He told me: “The maids are Myra and Leora-Myra is the shorter. The cook is Araminta, goes by Minnie. Jasper is her husband. The men you’ll meet tomorrow-they won’t be at dinner. Incidentally, when you pay them all the first of the month, they rate a small gift from you, in appreciation of-”
“Services well rendered-or in other words, a tip. I’d have given it anyway-I’ve worked for tips myself, as you well know. I’ve taken them from you.”
“… They were the least that I could do.”
“Yes, well-they lightened dark days for me,” I said, leaving off the word that threatened to spring to my lips at the sentence’s end:
I got up, went in the bath and freshened my face, came out, combed while he watched, and then led the way downstairs. The maids were at the dining-room door, making me little bows, which I acknowledged by calling their names and shaking hands. Then I went out in the kitchen to greet the cook, whom I called by her full name, Araminta, pleasing her, as I thought it might. Jasper was there and I shook hands with him as well. When I came back and took my place at the head of the table, both maids seemed very friendly, and I detected surprise in their manner, and also in his. I don’t know what they expected, but I’d been brought up to treat servants as human, and have never regretted doing it.
For dinner there was fruit cup, roast lamb, new potatoes, peas, salad, and ice cream. While Earl carved the lamb, Myra poured us drinks, tonic water for him and, unasked for, a glass of wine for me. I thought it surprising that he hadn’t let her know I didn’t drink, but this was no time to correct the error, so I simply smiled and pretended to have a sip. Even the taste of it on my lips made me slightly ill-I remembered it as the taste on Ron’s lips many a night when he’d come home soused and pressed himself against me.
When we’d finished the meal and had our coffee, I went out and complimented Araminta on the beautiful dinner, and thanked the maids for the way they served it. Then I led the way to the drawing room, where I felt it was well to say: “I feel a bit better now.” I didn’t; if anything, I felt worse as anxiety began to possess me over what was going to happen when we went upstairs to bed. However, nothing did-he let me go to my room, making no move to follow, and saying goodnight at the door, with no more than a small token kiss, there in the hall outside.
It surprised me-but then he had seemed very preoccupied, as we sat for an hour after dinner in the drawing room, where I took a chair instead of a place on a sofa, and he took a chair on the other side of the room. After a time he’d said: “In a way perhaps we can be glad it happened.”
“Glad?” I said, keeping my voice neutral, or trying to.
“It cleared the air, kind of.”
“In what way, cleared the air?”
“From now on it’s you and me. It puts ideas in my head.”
“What kind of ideas, Earl?”
“You’ll see-friendly ones, that’s all I care to say till I know where I’m at. I think you’re going to be pleased-we could even say excited. But-let’s let it be my little surprise.”
My big surprise for Tad had turned out quite a bust; how this little one for me would turn out I didn’t know, but the way my stomach was jumping warned me. And though when we went up he didn’t follow me into my room, or try to watch me undress, or in any way make the kind of pest of himself he’d been making before, just kissed me once and said goodnight, as he turned away he winked. So, I lay in the dark and tried to guess what
The worst possible thing I could think of was that he meant to renege on our bargain, and consummate-or try to. I felt my mouth go dry, and wanted to echo Tad, with the scream he had given, of horror. I thought: That can’t be it! The doctor has warned him-it’s unthinkable. It turned out, though, that if you want something badly enough, it’s not only thinkable, but doable.
I was asleep when the tap came on the door, but when I called he came in, kissed me good morning, and said he must go to work- “I’ve been away, and things have piled up.” I said something, how proud I was of him, “that you carry on as you do, letting nothing interfere. It’s the kind of thing I respect.” And if I sound hypocritical, I wasn’t, as I said what I felt, quite honestly. I do respect the person who works at his job, as barber or waitress or whatever, and I try to have manners, however I feel. “O.K., O.K.,” he whispered. “Now you go back to sleep. But tonight, as I hope, I’ll have something to report.”
He went and I got up. When I came down to breakfast, I knew from the way they acted that I’d made a hit with the servants. Myra introduced me to the others, the men, whose names were Jackson, Coleman, and Boyd. Boyd, it turned out, was Myra’s cousin, and spelled Jasper as driver when Jasper had a day off. Today was one such day, and he offered to take me anywhere I needed to go, but I told him I preferred to stay in and discover the place for myself.
There was a phone extension in the upstairs hall, and I put in two or three calls, one to Jake, at his home, one to Bianca, and of course one to Liz. I begged her to stop by that very day, and she wound up by coming to lunch. I was so glad to see her I cried, and especially at how she was dressed, so distinguished, and all in my honor, and in honor of who might be there. She had on a beige pantsuit, very smart and very becoming, with a red ribbon on her gray hair. After lunch I took her upstairs to my room, but had hardly closed the door when she led me to the bed, pushed me onto it, and pulled up a chair beside me. “Get to it, baby,” she whispered. “What happened?” For I hadn’t called her, in spite of my promise. I told her now, about the lab and the test results, and she said, “Thank god, Joan. I had all my fingers crossed for you. But you don’t seem happy. What is it?”
“It’s my little boy, Tad.”
I told then, about the scream he’d let out, and what it had done to me. But then I couldn’t stop. I went on and on about my marriage to Earl, and the deal that had been made. “But now,” I said, “something tells me that deal is off-that our marriage is to be like any other. That he wants to-consummate, as the lawyer called it. That’s what I’m up against now-what I think I’m up against.”
“And you don’t want to?”
“… Not even a little bit.”
“So O.K. baby-it’s something a girl runs into-I do myself, occasionally. But, one reason or another, you have to anyway. So, how you do, you close your eyes, and pretend it’s Rock Hudson.”
“I wish I could.”
“Well what’s stopping you?”
“All kinds of things.”
“You mean, like Tom Barclay?”
I didn’t answer her. I wanted to-I wanted to scoff and ask what he had to do with anything. But I realized, when she spoke his name and my heart leapt, that he did have something to do with it, a lot, in fact. And from my reaction she realized it too.
“Then, we call it that, we call it him. And you can’t pretend your husband’s him, on account you really wish it was, and it would be getting messy. So, I’d say you’re in a spot-but, at least, Tom will be glad to hear it.”
“… What makes you think so, Liz?”
“You’d like to know, wouldn’t you?”
