all.
The dinner sped quickly by until Father had finally eaten and spoken his fill. Then he had stood, and, as I had heard him wish uncountable times to my mother, he’d said, “I shall retire to my library for a cigar and a whiskey. Have a pleasant evening, my dear, and I shall see you again, soon.” I remember vividly feeling a great warmth for him as I thought,
“Emily,” he’d continued, even though he’d been rather wobbly and obviously well into his cups, “let us decide that as we have just begun a new year, it will mark a new beginning for the both of us. Shall we try to move forward together, my dear?”
Tears had come to my eyes, and I’d smiled tremulously up at him. “Yes, Father. I would like that very much.”
Then, quite unexpectedly, he had lifted my thin hand in his large one, bent over it, and kissed it—just exactly as he used to kiss Mother’s hand in parting. Even though his lips and beard were moist from the wine and the food, I was still smiling and feeling ever so much like a lady when, holding my hand in his, he met my gaze.
That was the first time I saw it, what I have come to think of as
“Your eyes are your mother’s,” he said. His words slurred and I smelled the sharp reek of his breath, heavily tainted by wine.
I found I could not speak. I only shivered and nodded.
Father dropped my hand then and walked unsteadily from the room. Before George began to clear the table, I took my linen napkin and rubbed it across the back of my hand, wiping away the wetness left there and wondering why I felt such an uneasy sensation deep in my stomach.
Camille was my best friend. She and I were close in age, she being only six months the younger. Camille talked a lot, but not in the cruel, gossipy way of her mother. Because of the closeness of our parents, Camille and I had grown up together, which had made us more like sisters than best friends.
“Oh, my poor, sad Emily! How thin and wan you look,” Camille had said as she rushed into Mother’s parlor and embraced me.
“Well, of course she looks thin and wan!” Mrs. Elcott had moved her daughter aside and stiffly taken my hands in hers before she’d even shed her white leather gloves. Remembering her touch, I realize now that she’d felt cold and quite reptilian. “Emily has lost her mother, Camille. Think of how wretched your life would be had you lost me. I would expect you to look just as terrible as poor Emily. I’m sure dear Alice is looking down on her daughter in understanding and appreciation.”
Not expecting her to speak so freely of Mother’s death, I felt a little shock at Mrs. Elcott’s words. I tried to catch Camille’s gaze as we moved apart, settling ourselves on the divan and matching chairs. I’d wanted to share with her our old look, one that said we agreed how sometimes our mothers could say terribly embarrassing things, but Camille seemed to be looking everywhere but at me.
“Yes, Mother, of course. I apologize,” was all she muttered contritely.
Trying to feel my way through this new social world that suddenly was very foreign, I breathed a long breath of relief when the housemaid bustled in with tea and cakes. I poured. Mrs. Elcott and Camille studied me.
“You really are quite thin,” Camille said finally.
“I will be better soon,” I’d said, sending her a reassuring smile. “At first I found it difficult to do anything except sleep, but Father has insisted that I get well. He reminded me that I am now the Lady of Wheiler House.”
Camille’s gaze had flicked quickly to her mother’s. I could not read the hard look in Mrs. Elcott’s eyes, but it was enough to silence her daughter.
“That is quite brave of you, Emily,” Mrs. Elcott spoke into the silence. “I am sure you are a great comfort to your father.”
“We tried to see you for two whole months, but you wouldn’t receive us, not even during the holidays. It was like you’d disappeared!” Camille blurted as I poured her tea. “I thought you’d died, too.”
“I’m sorry.” At first, her words had made me contrite. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Of course you didn’t,” Mrs. Elcott had said, frowning at her daughter. “Camille, Emily wasn’t disappearing— she was mourning.”
“I still am,” I’d said softly. Camille heard me and nodded, wiping her eyes, but her mother had been too busy helping herself to the iced cakes to pay either of us much attention.
There was a silence that seemed very long while we sipped our tea and I pushed the small, white cake around my plate, and then, in a high, excited voice, Mrs. Elcott asked, “Emily, were you really there? In the room with her when Alice died?”
I’d looked to Camille, wishing for an instant that she could silence her mother, but of course that had been a foolish, futile wish. My friend’s face had mirrored my own discomfort, though she did not appear shocked at her mother’s disregard for propriety and privacy. I realized then that Camille had known her mother was going to question me thus. I drew a deep, fortifying breath and answered truthfully, though hesitantly, “Yes. I was there.”
“It must have been quite ghastly,” Camille said quickly.
“Yes,” I said. I’d placed my teacup carefully in its saucer before either of them could see that my hand trembled.
“I expect there had been a lot of blood,” Mrs. Elcott said, nodding slowly as if in pre-agreement with my response.
“There was.” I’d clasped my hands tightly together in my lap.
“When we heard you were in the room when she died, we were all so very sorry for you,” Camille had said softly, hesitantly.
Shocked silent, I could almost hear Mother’s voice saying sharply,
“Indeed, it was all anyone could talk about for weeks and weeks. Your poor mother would have been appalled. Bad enough that you missed the Christmas Ball, but for the topic of conversation during the evening to have been your witnessing her gruesome death…” Mrs. Elcott shuddered. “Alice would have thought it as dreadful as it was.”
My cheeks had flamed hot. I had utterly forgotten about the Christmas Ball, and my sixteenth birthday. Both had taken place in December, when sleep had been cloaking me from life.
“Everyone was talking about me at the ball?” I’d wanted to run back to my room and never emerge.
Camille’s words came fast, and she had made a vague movement, as if she understood how difficult the conversation had become for me and was trying to brush away the subject. “Nancy, Evelyn, and Elizabeth were worried about you. We were
“You left out one person who seemed especially concerned: Arthur Simpton. Remember how you said he could talk of nothing except how horrible it all must have been for Emily, even while he was waltzing with you.” Mrs. Elcott hadn’t sounded worried at all. She’d sounded angry.