Untamed

'Yeah, I see why they bolted.'

Suddenly Aphrodite turned serious. 'Zoey, I mean it. Don't get your hopes up about Stark. You know that even if he comes back, he might not be the same. Stevie Rae says the red fledglings are better now, and they are, but they're not normal, and neither is she.'

'I know all of that, Aphrodite, but I still say Stevie Rae is fine.'

'And I still say we're going to have to agree to disagree about her. I just want you to be careful. Stark's not —'

'Don't!' I put up my hand to cut off her words. 'Let me have a little bit of hope. I want to believe there might be a chance for him.'

Aphrodite nodded slowly. 'I know you do, and that's what worries me.'

'I'm too tired to talk about this anymore,' I said.

'Okay, I understand. Just think about what I've said.' I started to open the door, and she added, 'Do you want to stay here tonight? You wouldn't be alone.'

'Nah, but thanks. And I'm not really alone in a dorm full of fledglings.' With my hand on the knob, I looked over my shoulder at Aphrodite. 'Thanks for taking care of me. I do feel better. A lot better.'

She waved away my thanks and looked embarrassed. Then sounding more like herself she said, 'Don't worry about it. Just figure once you're queen, you'll owe me.'

Stevie Rae didn't answer her phone. It went straight to her perky, countrified voice mail. I didn't leave a message. What could I say, 'Hi, Stevie Rae. It's Zoey. Hey, a fledgling just bled to death in my arms tonight, and I want to know what happens now. Is he going to come back as an undead dead bloodsucking monster, or is he going to be just kinda odd like you say your fledglings are, or is he gonna stay dead? I'd like to know 'cause even though I just met him, I really care about him. Okay, so call me back!' Uh, no. That wouldn't work.

I sat heavily on my bed and had just begun to wish Nala would show up when my kitty door opened, and my grumpy girl 'meeuf-owed' her way across the room, jumped up on my bed, and curled up on my chest, pressing her face against my neck and purring like crazy.

'I'm really, really glad to see you.' I petted her ears and kissed the white spot over her nose. 'How's Duchess?' She blinked at me, sneezed, and then pressed her head against me and purred some more. I took that to mean the dog was being well taken care of by Jack and Damien.

Feeling better now that Nala was working her purr magic on me, I tried to lose myself in the book I was reading, Ink Exchange by my current favorite vamp author, Melissa Marr, but not even her hot fairies could keep my attention from wandering.

What was I thinking about? Stark, of course. I touched my lips, still feeling his kiss there. What was wrong with me? Why was I letting Stark affect me so much? Okay, yes. He'd died in my arms and that had been awful, truly awful. But there was more than that going on between us, or at least I thought there might be. I closed my eyes and sighed. I didn't need to care about another guy. I wasn't over Erik or Heath.

Okay, the truth was I wasn't over Loren.

No, I wasn't in love with Loren. What I wasn't over was the pain he'd caused me. My heart still hurt, and it wasn't ready to let another guy in.

I remembered Stark taking my hand and weaving his fingers through mine and the way his lips had felt against my skin.

'Crap. I guess no one told my heart it wasn't ready for another guy,' I whispered.

What if Stark did come back?

Worse—what if he didn't?

I was tired of losing people. A tear leaked out from under my closed eyelid and I brushed it away. I curled up on my side and pressed my face against Nala's softness. I was just tired. It had been a terrible day. Tomorrow wouldn't look so bad. Tomorrow I'd talk to Stevie Rae, and she'd help me make sense out of what to do about Stark.

But I couldn't sleep. My mind kept whirring around and around, focusing on the mistakes I'd made and the people I'd hurt. Had Stark died as some kind of penalty for how badly I'd hurt Erik and Heath?

No! My rational mind told me. That's ridiculous! Nyx doesn't work like that. But my guilty conscience whispered darker things. You can't hurt people as badly as you hurt Erik and Heath without a payback.

Stop it! I told myself. Plus, Erik didn't look so devastated today. Actually he looked like a jerk, and not like someone whose heart was broken.

No, that wasn't right either. Erik and I had been falling in love when I messed up with Loren. What did I expect Erik to do—walk around crying and begging me to come back to him? Hell no. I'd hurt him, and he really wasn't being a jerk—he was trying to protect his heart from me.

I didn't have to see Heath to know that I'd broken his heart, too. I knew him well enough to know exactly how badly I'd hurt him. He'd been a part of my life since we'd had our first crushes on each other in grade school. He'd always been there—from the puppy love stuff to the boyfriend/girlfriend middle school phase, to the 'going out' stage in high school and, finally and more recently, the I've-Imprinted-him-and-want-to-suck-his-blood-and-whatnot stage. The whatnot is a nice way of saying that Imprinting and drinking a human's blood triggers sex receptors in the fledgling and the human's brains, so I had been thinking of doing more with Heath than just sucking his blood. Yes, I know that sounds skanky, but at least I'm being honest with myself.

So, Heath and I had Imprinted, but then I'd had sex with Loren and Imprinted with him during the Act (it's still weird to think that I'm not a virgin anymore—weird as in disturbing and kinda scary), which broke my Imprint with Heath. Painfully and horribly, if what Loren had told me was true. And I haven't talked to Heath since.

And Stark thought he was a coward for wanting to avoid pain? Compared to me, I'd definitely say not hardly. I wondered if the connection Stark and I had felt would have lasted through him finding out about all the stuff in my past. I mean, he'd come pretty clean with me, but I hadn't told him crap about myself.

And there was a lot of crap to tell. Not to mention a lot of loose ends I hadn't tied up.

I'd been avoiding Heath because I knew I'd hurt him. And, since I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that another part of why I'd been avoiding Heath had a lot to do with being afraid of his reaction to me.

Heath was nothing if he wasn't dependable. I could depend on the fact that he was crazy about me. I could depend on the fact that he'd been my boyfriend (sometimes whether I wanted him to be or not) since third grade. I could depend on the fact that he'd always been there for me.

Suddenly I realized that I needed Heath. Tonight I felt bruised and battered and confused, and I needed to know that I hadn't lost all of them . . . that one of them really loved me, even if I didn't deserve it.

My cell phone was charging on my nightstand. I flipped it open and quickly text-messaged him before I could chicken out.

How r u?

I'd start simple, just a little message. When he answered, if he answered, I'd go from there.

I curled back up with Nala and tried to sleep.

After what seemed like forever, I checked the time. It was almost 8:30 A.M. Okay, so, Heath was asleep. He was still on winter break, and if the kid didn't have to get up and go to school, he slept until noon. Literally. So he's asleep, I repeated stubbornly to myself.

That wouldn't have mattered before, my mind lectured me right back. Before he would have texted me back in about a second and begged me to meet him somewhere. Heath would never have slept through a text from me.

Maybe I should call him.

And hear him tell me he doesn't ever want to see me ever again? I chewed my lip and felt sick. No. No, I couldn't do that. Not after what had happened tonight. I couldn't bear to hear him say mean things to me. Reading them would be bad enough.

If he answered.

Cuddling with Nala, I tried to focus on her purr engine and let it drown out the silence of my cell phone.

Tomorrow, I told myself as I started to drift off to restless sleep. If I