absolutely impossible for my wife to be unfaithful to me. I employed craft to protect my marriage bed. I know some magic words. I have only to say these words, and—
“What were the words?”
“Very simple. I spread a terrible rumor round the town. I am sure you know the rumor. I told everyone: ‘My wife Alyona is sleeping with Ivan Alexeyevich Zalikhvatsky, the Chief of Police.’ These words were enough. Not a single man dared to make love to Alyona for fear of the wrath of the Chief of Police. And if anyone so much as caught a glimpse of her, he would soon be running away for dear life, for fear of what Zalikhvatsky might think of him. Hee-hee-hee. Try having anything to do with that whiskered pisspot! You’ll get no satisfaction from him! He’ll write out five official reports about your sanitation, and if he so much as saw your cat wandering about in the street, he would write a report which would make it look as though a herd of cattle were wandering abroad.”
“So your wife didn’t live with Ivan Alexeyevich?” we said in amazement, the truth slowly dawning on us.
“No, of course not! That was where I was clever! Hee-hee. I played the fool with you, eh? Clever, wasn’t I?”
Three minutes passed in silence. We sat and said not a word, and we felt insulted and ashamed for having been so successfully cheated by that fat, red-nosed old man.
“May God grant you to marry again,” the deacon said.
S
IN the zemstvo hospital the patients were received by the medical orderly Kuryatin in the absence of the doctor, who had gone away to get married. Kuryatin, a stout man, about forty, was wearing a shabby pongee jacket and frayed woolen trousers, and his expression was one of amiability and devotion to duty. Between the index and middle finger of his left hand, there was a terrible-smelling cigar.
The sexton Vonmiglasov1 entered the waiting room. He was an old man, tall and thickset, and wore a cinnamon-colored cassock with a wide leather belt. He had a cataract in his right eye, and there was a wart on his nose which from a distance resembled a large fly. For about a second the sexton searched for an icon, and not finding one, he crossed himself in front of a bottle of carbolic acid, and then removed the communion bread from his red handkerchief and with a deep bow laid it before the medical orderly.
“Ah-ha … Well, how are you?” the orderly yawned. “What brings you here, eh?”
“May the Lord be upon you, Sergey Kuzmich. I’ve come because I have need of you. Verily hath the Psalmist said: ‘Thou givest them tears to drink in good measure.’ The other day I sat down to drink tea with my old woman, and dear God, not a drop, not a swallow could I take, though I lay me down and die.… Not even for one little sip did I have the strength! And not just the tooth alone, but the whole side of the face. And how it aches! How it aches! Excuse me, it goes right into my ear, as though a nail or something like that was being driven in! Such pain, I could die! I have sinned and transgressed against the law of God.… Such sins have I committed, my soul is like unto ice, and all the days of my life have been passed in slothfulness. It’s because of my sins, Sergey Kuzmich, because of my sins! The priest rebuked me after the liturgy: ‘You are tongue-tied, Yefim,’ he said. ‘You warble through your nose. You sing, and no one can understand a word you utter!’ Tell me, please, how can I sing, how can I open my mouth which is all swollen, and not having had any sleep last night?…”
“M’yes … Sit down.… Open your mouth!”
Vonmiglasov sat down and opened his mouth.
Kuryatin knit his brows, peered into the mouth, found among all those teeth yellowed by age and tobacco one which was ornamented with a yawning cavity.
“Father deacon recommended an application of vodka and horse-radish, but it didn’t help. Glyceria Anasimovna, God grant her health, gave me a little thread from Mount Athos to wear and recommended rinsing the tooth in warm milk, and I must confess I wore the little thread, but as for the milk there was a difference of opinion—I’m a God-fearing man, and I keep the fast.…”
“Such superstition,” said the orderly, and there was a considerable pause. “We’ll have to pull it out, Yefim Mikheich.”
“You know best, Sergey Kuzmich. You are properly trained, and you understand what has to be done: whether to pull it out, or use drops, or something else.… You are my benefactor, and this is your situation in life, and so God grant you health, so that day and night, until we drop into our graves, we should pray for you, our father.…”
“A mere bagatelle,” said the orderly modestly, going to a cupboard and rummaging among the instruments. “Surgery is a mere nothing.… The important thing is a steady hand.… Quick as you can spit!… A few days ago the landowner Alexander Ivanich Yegipetskv came to the clinic, just like you … also about a tooth.… He’s a cultivated man, asks all kinds of questions, goes into everything, is concerned with the how and the what. He shook me by the hand and addressed me in the proper manner.… He lived in Petersburg for seven years and went around with all the professors.… I spent a long time with him.… He said: ‘For God’s sake, pull it out for me, Sergey Kuzmich!’ Well, why not? It can be pulled. Only you have to understand this business, and nothing happens without this understanding and knowledge. There are all kinds of teeth. Some are pulled with pincers, some with forceps, and others with monkey wrenches.… To each according …”
The orderly took up the pincers, looked at them for a moment dubiously, then put them down and took up the forceps.
“Now, open your mouth wide!” he said, advancing on the sexton with the forceps. “We’ll get rid of him … quick as you can spit! We’ll have to cut underneath the gum a bit … to acquire leverage on the vertical axis.” He cut under the gum. “That will be all.”
“You are our benefactor. As for us, we are fools and poor idiots, while the Lord has enlightened you …”
“Don’t start a conversation just because you have your mouth open.… We’ll pull this one easily, it’s not like those which are all roots.… This one will be quick as you can spit.…” Here he put down the forceps. “Don’t tremble! Keep still! In the twinkling of an eye.…” Here he acquired leverage. “The important thing is a very strong grip”— here he pulled at the tooth—“in order not to break the crown.”
“Our Fathers … Blessed Mother!… Oh-oh-oh!”
“Don’t do that! What’s come over you? Don’t hold my hands!” Here he pulled again. “Coming now—now! I
