fact that her hands trembled when she tied his cravat -- all this seemed to tell her that they had not long left to be together. She looked at him as though he were an ikon, with terror and penitence, and thought: 'Forgive, forgive.'
Opposite her was sitting Atchmianov, and he never took his black, love-sick eyes off her. She was stirred by passion; she was ashamed of herself, and afraid that even her misery and sorrow would not prevent her from yielding to impure desire to-morrow, if not to-day -- and that, like a drunkard, she would not have the strength to stop herself.
She made up her mind to go away that she might not continue this life, shameful for herself, and humiliating for Laevsky. She would beseech him with tears to let her go; and if he opposed her, she would go away secretly. She would not tell him what had happened; let him keep a pure memory of her.
'I love you, I love you, I love you,' she read. It was from Atchmianov.
She would live in some far remote place, would work and send Laevsky, 'anonymously,' money, embroidered shirts, and tobacco, and would return to him only in old age or if he were dangerously ill and needed a nurse. When in his old age he learned what were her reasons for leaving him and refusing to be his wife, he would appreciate her sacrifice and forgive.
'You've got a long nose.' That must be from the deacon or Kostya.
Nadyezhda Fyodorovna imagined how, parting from Laevsky, she would embrace him warmly, would kiss his hand, and would swear to love him all her life, all her life, and then, living in obscurity among strangers, she would every day think that somewhere she had a friend, some one she loved -- a pure, noble, lofty man who kept a pure memory of her.
'If you don't give me an interview to-day, I shall take measures, I assure you on my word of honour. You can't treat decent people like this; you must understand that.' That was from Kirilin.
XIII
Laevsky received two notes; he opened one and read: 'Don't go away, my darling.'
'Who could have written that?' he thought. 'Not Samoylenko, of course. And not the deacon, for he doesn't know I want to go away. Von Koren, perhaps?'
The zoologist bent over the table and drew a pyramid. Laevsky fancied that his eyes were smiling.
'Most likely Samoylenko . . . has been gossiping,' thought Laevsky.
In the other note, in the same disguised angular handwriting with long tails to the letters, was written: 'Somebody won't go away on Saturday.'
'A stupid gibe,' thought Laevsky. 'Friday, Friday. . . .'
Something rose in his throat. He touched his collar and coughed, but instead of a cough a laugh broke from his throat.
'Ha-ha-ha!' he laughed. 'Ha-ha-ha! What am I laughing at? Ha-ha-ha!'
He tried to restrain himself, covered his mouth with his hand, but the laugh choked his chest and throat, and his hand could not cover his mouth.
'How stupid it is!' he thought, rolling with laughter. 'Have I gone out of my mind?'
The laugh grew shriller and shriller, and became something like the bark of a lap-dog. Laevsky tried to get up from the table, but his legs would not obey him and his right hand was strangely, without his volition, dancing on the table, convulsively clutching and crumpling up the bits of paper. He saw looks of wonder, Samoylenko's grave, frightened face, and the eyes of the zoologist full of cold irony and disgust, and realised that he was in hysterics.
'How hideous, how shameful!' he thought, feeling the warmth of tears on his face. '. . . Oh, oh, what a disgrace! It has never happened to me. . . .'
They took him under his arms, and supporting his head from behind, led him away; a glass gleamed before his eyes and knocked against his teeth, and the water was spilt on his breast; he was in a little room, with two beds in the middle, side by side, covered by two snow-white quilts. He dropped on one of the beds and sobbed.
'It's nothing, it's nothing,' Samoylenko kept saying; 'it does happen . . . it does happen. . . .'
Chill with horror, trembling all over and dreading something awful, Nadyezhda Fyodorovna stood by the bedside and kept asking:
'What is it? What is it? For God's sake, tell me.'
'Can Kirilin have written him something?' she thought.
'It's nothing,' said Laevsky, laughing and crying; 'go away, darling.'
His face expressed neither hatred nor repulsion: so he knew nothing; Nadyezhda Fyodorovna was somewhat reassured, and she went into the drawing-room.
'Don't agitate yourself, my dear!' said Marya Konstantinovna, sitting down beside her and taking her hand. 'It will pass. Men are just as weak as we poor sinners. You are both going through a crisis. . . . One can so well understand it! Well, my dear, I am waiting for an answer. Let us have a little talk.'
'No, we are not going to talk,' said Nadyezhda Fyodorovna, listening to Laevsky's sobs. 'I feel depressed. . . . You must allow me to go home.'
'What do you mean, what do you mean, my dear?' cried Marya Konstantinovna in alarm. 'Do you think I could let you go without supper? We will have something to eat, and then you may go with my blessing.'
'I feel miserable . . .' whispered Nadyezhda Fyodorovna, and she caught at the arm of the chair with both hands to avoid falling.
'He's got a touch of hysterics,' said Von Koren gaily, coming into the drawing-room, but seeing Nadyezhda Fyodorovna, he was taken aback and retreated.
