your back for coming down here.'
'We'll get out-but I don't think Lippitt can without my help. I love you both very much for coming down to help me. I know what it cost you, climbing into that chute blind, and realize how very much you love me. Thank you both.'
'Fuck you, Mongo. If we ever get out of here, and I most certainly do
'Excellent. I'm glad to see you're feeling better.'
GOLLY FUCKING AFRAID TOO
'That makes three of us, sweetheart.'
I pulled Garth to a halt, and Golly edged closer to me as dozens of eyes belonging to dozens of nasty-looking, bow-legged, chattering things skittered toward us. I pushed Garth back against the wall, gripped Whisper in both hands, and braced for the onslaught.
FUCK YOU
The chattering, skittering mob stopped.
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
Apparently thoroughly frightened by the flashing green lights on Golly's display screen, the things turned and scurried away.
'Good girl,' I said, giving Golly a hug.
'What the hell was that all about?' Garth asked as I again took his hand and started off down the tunnel.
'Don't ask.'
'Bad company, huh?'
'Nobody promised you a rose garden when you came down that chute, brother.'
'Ho-ho-ho. You told Lippitt to head south. Why?'
'Because that's where the dragon is, silly.'
'What?'
'The Loges' dragon is a fucking cow-a Guernsey, to be exact. I should know; I milked enough of them to recognize the hide markings when I see them. Our dear, departed hosts were always oblivious to everything around them except for what they were doing or dreaming about. With all this fantasy shit, they managed to spook their own brains away. If a cow managed to wander into these mines somewhere to the south, then we can wander out somewhere to the south.'
'You're pretty fucking clever for a dwarf.'
MONGO FUCKING SMART DWARF
'Thanks, guys. I really wish you'd both waited in the van.'
'Next question: How do you know which way is south?'
'I know which way is north.'
'I knew before I got down here, but now I can just about handle left and… what?'
'I said I know which way is north.'
'How?'
'You ready for this?'
'Damn. Another symptom?'
'There must be some homing pigeon mixed in with all my reptile-although some amphibians share the characteristic. I seem to be wired into the earth's magnetic field. For the past two or three weeks, there's been something like a soft breeze blowing through my head; it always blows from south to north.'
'No shit?'
'You'd better hope it's no shit. For some reason, I'm already tired of this place.'
29
Problems in Mount Doom.
'Gas,' Garth said as I led the way up a ladder in a shaft leading to a network of mines on another level.
'What?'
'Gas,' he repeated, grabbing my ankle and holding me steady. 'There's poison gas somewhere up there; I can smell it. We can't go this way.'
'We have to go this way. We've wasted too much time already.'
'We haven't 'wasted' anything, Mongo. You can only see in the tunnels where the fungus grows, and none of us can walk through fire. We'll find another way up.'
'Which could take another two hours. Lippitt's torch will be out by now, and he can't last long in the dark. We have to get to him.'
'Mongo, why the hell am I arguing with you? I'm telling you there's poison gas up there. We have to find another way.'
'I think you've still got a case of nerves,' I said as I pulled my ankle free and started climbing again. 'You and I live in New York City; we breathe poison gas all the- '
Something green and black exploded inside my head at the same time as a wrecking ball smashed into my chest, blowing my breath away along with my strength. I choked and coughed, and my fingers slipped from the rough wooden rung above my head. My knees collapsed, and I plummeted.
Fortunately I didn't plummet very far, because fortunately Garth had lunged upward at the last moment and grabbed my ankle again. I dangled in Garth's strong grip, hacking and gasping for breath, until Golly reached out and hauled me in. Grabbing a handful of overall, she turned me upright and planted me firmly on the ladder between her and Garth.
'Okay, guys,' I said when I could breathe again. 'I'm all right now.'
'You sure?'
'Yeah. I think I'm glad the two of you decided to come along.'
'Why, Mongo, that's a terribly sweet and generous thing for you to say.'
'Think nothing of it.'
'Now, O Great Leader, would you care to reconsider your previous decision?'
'Yeah. After thinking things over, I feel it might be better if we searched for an alternate route.'
GOOD FUCKING IDEA
There was nothing in the tunnels ahead of us but fire. Unable to go ahead or up, where I was pretty certain Lippitt would be, we went down to another level, then circled back along a route that took us, I believed, beneath the Treasure Room and in the general direction of the chasm. Hot air was blowing at a pretty good speed, and there was enough of a glow in some of the branching tunnels for Garth and Golly to see by. I put on my smoked glasses, turned into a tunnel to my left, and almost tripped over Hugo.
The giant, asleep or unconscious, lay beside a puddle of brackish water that had formed from water dripping from the ceiling. He was covered with blood, scrapes, and bruises, but I saw no deep wounds, and no twisted limbs that would indicate broken bones. The worst damage seemed to be to his legs just below both knees, which were discolored and blistered with second- or third-degree burns. The soles of his shoes had been burned away.
All things considered, I thought as I knelt down beside a head that had a circumference almost as large as my hips, giants must not cook as well as they bounce.
'Hugo?'
The giant's eyelids flickered; he opened his eyes, peered up at me. 'Mongo!'
'And friends.'
HELLO FUCKING HUGO
GOLLY HAPPY TO SEE FUCKING HUGO
GOLLY FUCKING SORRY SHE TOLD MASTER
'Dream,' Hugo sighed, and closed his eyes.
