The Fear In Yesterday's rings

clothes pole that was about twice as tall as I was that I'd sharpened to a point at the other end. Then I went to see the owner of the circus. His name was Phil Statler, and his 'office' was the cab of one of the flatbed semis they used to haul the circus around the country. Phil Statler was a tough man, Jacques, with a whiskey voice like a buzz saw, but at the same time he was one of the kindest men I've ever known. Here he was faced with a smart-ass seventeen-year-old dwarf who said he wanted to be a circus acrobat, and the man never blinked an eye, never even smiled. He just told me to show him what I could do. I'm sure he thought he was only humoring me, but he had the courtesy and sensitivity not to show it. The man took me seriously, which was what I needed most at that time in my life, and it was enough to make me love him on the spot.

'We went out to a patch of dirt behind where they'd pitched the main tent, and I stuck my clothes pole in the ground with the straight razor at the other end three or four feet above my head. Then I asked him to tie my hands in front of me. By this time I could see that I was making him a bit nervous, but he went ahead and did as I asked.

'I hadn't practiced the trick I intended to do, because I couldn't afford a mistake. If I slashed a wrist practicing, the circus would be long gone by the time it healed, and I didn't even want to think about what my father would have to say. So this was the first time I'd tried a stunt I'd only thought of the day before; it was one all-or-nothing performance. I paced off about twenty-five yards, then went into a running and tumbling routine, gaining as much speed and momentum as I could as I approached the pole and the razor. At the last moment I threw what I knew had to be the highest backflip I'd ever done, straightened out in the air as I passed over the pole so that I could scrape the rope around my wrists against the razor.' I paused, shrugged. 'It took me three passes, but damned if I didn't finally manage to cut through the rope around my wrists with no more damage than a nick on my left thumb that a Band-Aid took care of. Phil offered me a contract on the spot-provided I agreed to let the pros in the circus help me work up a safer routine, and that my parents gave their permission. It was the last point that worried me.

'My folks were not exactly pleased when they found out about my little performance with my dad's straight razor, and they were shocked and more than a little disappointed when they found out I wanted to join the circus. But they also realized that, considering the fact that I'd risked my life to make my point, it was important to me. Phil promised to look after me as if I were his own son, I promised to continue my education during the off-season, and my folks checked off on the deal. Phil did treat me like his own son, and I did use my earnings to go to college during the off-season. I went on to improve my acrobatic skills, and I eventually became a headliner. Phil considered me somewhat otherworldly, so I was given the performance name 'Mongo' after a small planet in the Flash Gordon series.' I paused, smiled wryly, shrugged again. 'I was billed as 'Mongo the Magnificent' because I was, after all, absolutely magnificent. End of story.'

Jacques stared at me for a few moments. He seemed mildly disappointed. 'Yeah, Mongo,' he said at last, 'but what about the elephant? The story about you and the razor is pretty cool, but how did you learn to ride the elephant?'

I resisted the impulse to roll my eyes toward the ceiling, breathed a small sigh. 'Jacques, you really want to hear about the elephant, don't you?'

The Haitian nodded eagerly. 'Yeah. I like elephants.'

'Well, my friend, how I learned to ride that elephant is another long story, and I'll tell it to you some other time. Where on earth did you get these posters? Statler Brothers Circus isn't exactly Ringling Brothers, Barnum amp; Bailey, and I wouldn't think there are too many of these old handbills left around.'

Jacques frowned slightly. 'Didn't I tell you over the phone?'

'No. You just asked if I could drop around for a few minutes because there was something you wanted to show me.'

'They're not mine, Mongo,' the intern said in a low voice. 'These are the only things we found on this old derelict they brought in off the street last night; he didn't have a penny in his pockets, not even a rag to blow his nose in. There were just these old posters. He kept them in that plastic refrigerator bag you see there, taped to his belly; whatever happened to everything else he owned, he managed to hang on to these. They must be very important to him. I figured maybe he had something to do with that circus, and when I saw your name all over them I figured maybe you knew him. From the looks of the old guy, he could sure use a friend.'

At first I didn't recognize the emaciated old man lying asleep or unconscious on the hospital gurney with tubes up his nose and needles in his arms. The ward to which he had been assigned was already filled to overflowing, and his rolling bed had been pushed back against a wall in the corridor. Even in the noisy, crowded hallway, his raspy breathing was clearly audible, and it sounded all too much to me like a death rattle. When I did recognize him, I groaned, then felt tears come to my eyes. When I reached out and touched his arm, his loose, liver-spotted skin felt like cold parchment.

'Mongo?' Jacques said in alarm as he stepped up beside me. 'What's the matter?'

'It's Phil Statler,' I replied, choking back a sob.

'Oh, Jesus. The guy you were telling me about, the guy who hired you for his circus.'

I wiped tears from my eyes, nodded. I hadn't seen Phil Statler in more than a decade, when he'd appeared in my office to hire me to find a strongman who'd skipped out on his contract with the circus. It was a case that had eventually involved me with the Iranian Shah's secret police, almost cost me the love of my brother, and then nearly cost both Garth and me our lives. I estimated that Phil would be in his mid-sixties now, but he looked closer to eighty lying between hospital sheets that were only a shade or two whiter than his flesh. His eyes were a very pale blue, watery, his face mottled and florid, marbled with alcohol-ruptured veins, his rotting teeth uneven and tobacco-stained. His hair, still black when I had last seen him, was now all gray, the color of his grizzled beard.

He looked terribly out of place away from his circus.

'What's wrong with him, Jacques?' I asked quietly.

'Oh, man, he's got a bagful of health problems-but he's not as bad as some I've seen. He's a derelict; we get a lot of them in here, especially during the winter.'

'This is July, Jacques.'

The intern shrugged. 'When they're found unconscious on the street, dying like this one is, the cops bring them here no matter what the season. There are always guys like your friend here who just won't go to a shelter or accept any other kind of help.'

'How do you know he wasn't in a shelter?'

Jacques looked at me, sadness swimming in his ebon eyes. 'He's missing a few fingers and toes: gangrene brought on by frostbite. It's what happens when they won't go inside when it drops below freezing. The amputation scars aren't that fresh. He didn't lose the digits this last winter, so it means he's been living on the streets through at least one winter before the last. Right now he's suffering from heat exhaustion, pneumonia from the sound of him, and a host of parasitic infections. That's just for openers; he hasn't had a complete examination yet. He could have tuberculosis; a lot of them do.'

'Where was he found?' I asked in a voice that had suddenly grown hoarse.

Again, Jacques shrugged. 'I don't know; just on some street, or in some alley, or maybe Central Park. A couple of young cops brought him in.'

'I don't understand how he could have …' I paused when my voice broke, swallowed hard, continued, 'God, we haven't been in touch for years, but he knows I live in New York. He could have looked up my number in the phone directory. I don't understand why he didn't call me if he needed help.'

'It's a waste of time blaming yourself in any way for what's happened to this man, Mongo,' Jacques said evenly, watching my face. 'A lot of the hard-core homeless refuse any land of help, and I'd put your friend in that category from the looks of him. They get crazy on the streets, or maybe they ended up on the streets because they were crazy in the first place. Maybe he didn't call you because of pride, or maybe he didn't-doesn't-even remember who you are.'

I wondered. Phil Statler might not remember me in his present condition, but he certainly had at some point during the hellish roller-coaster ride that had left him living on the streets of New York City, a simple phone call away from food, a bed, shelter, medical attention. Love. The fact that he hadn't called on me for help somehow made me feel ashamed, as if-despite Jacques's assurance-this lack of action was somehow my fault. And maybe it was, at least in some small way. Phil Statler had always been an intensely proud man, fiercely independent. And