One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Agatha Christie One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

One, two, buckle my shoe,
Three, four, shut the door,
Five, six, pick up sticks,
Seven, eight, lay them strait,
Nine, ten, a good fat hen,
Eleven, twelve, men must delve,
Thirteen, fourteen, maids are courting,
Fifteen, sixteen, maids in the kitchen,
Seventeen, eighteen, maids in waiting,
Nineteen, twenty, my plate's empty…

Chapter 1 ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE

I

Mr. Morley was not in the best of tempers at breakfast. He complained of the bacon, wondered why the coffee had to have the appearance of liquid mud, and remarked that breakfast cereals were each one worse than the last.

Mr. Morley was a small man with a decided jaw and a pugnacious chin. His sister, who kept house for him, was a large woman rather like a female grenadier.

She eyed her brother thoughtfully and asked whether the bath water had been cold again.

Rather grudgingly, Mr. Morley said it had not.

He glanced at the paper and remarked that the Government seemed to be passing from a state of incompetence to one of positive imbecility!

Miss Morley said in a deep bass voice that it was disgraceful!

As a mere woman she had always found whatever Government happened to be in power distinctly useful.

She urged her brother on to explain exactly why the Government's present policy was inconclusive, idiotic, imbecile and frankly suicidal!

When Mr. Morley had expressed himself fully on these points, he had a second cup of the despised coffee and unburdened himself of his true grievance.

'These girls,' he said, 'are all the same! Unreliable, self-centered – not to be depended on in any way.'

Miss Morley said interrogatively:

'Gladys?'

'I've just had the message. Her aunt's had a stroke and she's had to go down to Somerset.'

Miss Morley said:

'Very trying, dear, but after all, hardly the girl's fault.'

Mr. Morley shook his head gloomily.

'How do I know the aunt has had a stroke? How do I know the whole thing hasn't been arranged between the girl and that very unsuitable young fellow she goes about with? That young man is a wrong 'un if I ever saw one! They've probably planned some outing together for today.'

'Oh, no, dear, I don't think Gladys would do a thing like that. You know you've always found her very conscientious.'

'Yes, yes.'

'An intelligent girl and really keen on her work, you said.'

'Yes, yes, Georgina, but that was before this undesirable young man came along. She's been quite different lately – quite different – absent-minded – upset – nervy.'

The grenadier produced a deep sigh. She said:

'After all, Henry, girls do fall in love. It can't be helped.'

Mr. Morley snapped:

'She oughtn't to let it affect her efficiency as my secretary. And today, in particular, I'm extremely busy! Several important patients. It is most trying!'

'I'm sure it must be extremely vexing, Henry. How is the new boy shaping, by the way?'

Henry Morley said gloomily:

'He's the worst I've had yet! Can't get a single name right and has the most uncouth manners. If he doesn't improve I shall sack him and try again. I don't know what's the good of our education nowadays. It seems to turn out a collection of nit-wits who can't understand a single thing you say to them, let alone remember it.'

He glanced at his watch.

'I must be getting along. A full morning, and that Sainsbury Seale woman to fit in somewhere as she is in pain. I suggested that she should go to Reilly, but she wouldn't hear of it.'

'Of course not,' said Georgina loyally.

'Reilly's very able – very able indeed. Fit-class diplomas. Thoroughly up to date in his work.'

'His hand shakes,' said Miss Morley. 'In my opinion he drinks.'

Her brother laughed, his good temper restored. He said:

'I'll be up for a sandwich at half past one as usual.'

II

At the Savoy Hotel Mr. Amberiotis was picking his teeth and grinning to himself.

Everything was going very nicely.

He had had his usual luck. Fancy those few kind words of his to that idiotic hen of a woman being so richly repaid. Oh! well – cast your bread upon the waters. He had always been a kind-hearted man. And generous! In the future he would be able to be even more generous. Benevolent visions floated before his eyes. Little Dimitri… And the good Constantopopolous struggling with his little restaurant…

What pleasant surprises for them…

The toothpick probed unguardedly and Mr. Amberiotis winced. Rosy visions of the future faded and gave way to apprehensions of the immediate present.

He explored tenderly with his tongue. He took out his notebook. Twelve o'clock. 58 Queen Charlotte Street.

He tried to recapture his former exultant mood, but in vain. The horizon had shrunk to six bare words:

' 58 Queen Charlotte Street. Twelve o'clock.'