'You know,' he said to Hester, 'you ought to have got over those sort of feelings a good many years ago. I can understand them, of course.'
'It was just that Mother had that effect upon me,' said Hester. 'I'm beginning to see now, you know, that it was my own fault. I feel that if only she'd lived a little longer, just lived till I was a little older, a little more settled, that — that we'd have been friends in a curious way. That I'd have been glad of her help and her advice. But — but as it was I couldn't bear it; because, you see, it made me feel so ineffectual, so stupid. Everything I did went wrong and I could see for myself that the things I did were foolish things. That I'd only done them because I wanted to rebel, wanted to prove that I was myself. And I wasn't anybody. I was fluid. Yes, that's the word,' said Hester. 'It's exactly the word. Fluid. Never taking a shape for long. Just trying on shapes — shapes — shapes of other people that I admired. I thought, you see, if I ran away and went on the stage and had an affair with someone, that –'
'That you would feel yourself, or at any rate, feel somebody?
'Yes,' said Hester. 'Yes, that's just it. And of course really I see now that I was just behaving like a silly child. But you don't know how I wish, Dr. Calgary, that Mother was alive now. Because it's so unfair — unfair on her, I mean. She did so much for us and gave us so much. We didn't give her anything back. And now it's too late.'
She paused. 'That's why,' she said, with a sudden renewal of vigour, 'I've determined to stop being silly and childish. And you'll help me, won't you?'
'I've already said I'll do anything in the world to help you.'
She gave him a quick, rather lovely smile.
'Tell me,' he said, 'exactly what has been happening.'
'Just what I thought would happen,' said Hester. 'We've all been looking at each other and wondering and we don't know. Father looks at Gwenda and thinks perhaps it was her. She looks at father and isn't sure. I don't think they're going to get married now. It's spoilt everything. And Tina thinks Micky had something to do with it. I don't know why because he wasn't there that evening. And Kirsten thinks I did it and tries to protect me. And Mary — that's my older sister who you didn't meet — Mary thinks Kirsten did it.'
'And who do you think did it, Hester?'
'Me?' Hester sounded startled.
'Yes, you,' said Calgary . 'I think, you know, it's rather important to know that.'
Hester spread out her hands. 'I don't know,' she wailed. 'I just don't know. I'm it's an awful thing to say — but I'm frightened of everybody. It's as though behind each face there was another face. A — sinister sort of face that I don't know. I don't feel sure that Father's Father, and Kirsten keeps saying that I shouldn't trust anybody — not even her. And I look at Mary and I feel I don't know anything about her. And Gwenda — I've always liked Gwenda. I've been glad that Father was going to marry Gwenda. But now I'm not sure about Gwenda any more. I see her as somebody different, ruthless and — and revengeful. I don't know what anybody's like. There's an awful feeling of unhappiness.'
'Yes,' said Calgary , 'I can well imagine that.'
'There's so much unhappiness,' said Hester, 'that I can't help feeling perhaps there's the murderer's unhappiness too. And that might be the worst of all. Do you think that's likely?'
'It's possible, I suppose,' said Calgary, 'and yet I doubt — of course I'm not an expert –1 doubt if a murderer is ever really unhappy.'
'But why not? I should think it would be the most terrible thing to be, to know you'd killed someone.'
'Yes,' said Calgary , 'it is a terrible thing and therefore I think a murderer must be one of two kinds of people. Either a person to whom it has not been terrible to kill anyone, the kind of person who says to himself, 'Well, of course it was a pity to have to do that but it was necessary for my own well being. After all, it's not my fault. I just — well, just had to do it' Or else –'
'Yes?' said Hester, 'what's the other kind of murderer?'
'I'm only guessing, mind you, I don't know, but I think if you were what you call the other kind of murderer, you wouldn't be able to live with your unhappiness over what you'd done. You'd either have to confess it or else you'd have to rewrite the story for yourself, as it were. Putting the blame on someone else, saying 'I should never have done such a thing unless such and such a thing had happened! I'm not really a murderer because I didn't mean to do it. It just happened, and so really it was fate and not myself.' Do you understand a little what I am trying to say?'
'Yes,' said Hester, 'and I think it's very interesting.' She half-closed her eyes. 'I'm just trying to think.'
'Yes, Hester,' said Calgary , 'think. Think as hard as you can because if I'm ever going to be able to help you I've got to see things through your mind.'
'Micky hated Mother,' said Hester slowly. 'He always did… I don't know why. Tina, I think, loved her. Gwenda didn't like her. Kirsten was always loyal to Mother though she didn't always think that Mother was right in all the things she did. Father –' She paused for a long time.
'Yes?' Calgary prompted her.
'Father's gone a long way away again,' said Hester. 'After Mother died, you know, he was quite different. Not so — what shall I call it — remote. He's been more human, more alive. But now he's gone back to some — some sort of shadowy place where you can't get at him. I don't know what he felt about Mother, really. I suppose he loved her when he married her. They never quarrelled, but I don't know what he felt about her. Oh –' her hands flew out again — 'one doesn't know what anyone feels, does one, really? I mean, what goes on behind their faces, behind their nice everyday words? They may be ravaged with hate or love or despair, and one wouldn't know! It's frightening Oh, Dr. Calgary, it's frightening!'
He took both her hands in his.
'You're not a child any longer,' he said. 'Only children are frightened. You're grown-up, Hester. You're a woman.'
He released her hands and said in a matter-of-fact tone: 'Is there anywhere you can stay in London ?'
Hester looked slightly bewildered.
'I suppose so. I don't know. Mother usually stayed at Curtis's.'
'Well, that's a very nice, quiet hotel. I should go there and book a room if I were you.'
'I'll do anything you tell me to do,' said Hester.
'Good girl,' said Calgary . 'What's the time?'
He looked up at the clock. 'Hallo, it's about seven o'clock already. Supposing you go and book yourself a room, and I'll come along about quarter to eight to take you out to dinner. How would that suit you?'
'It sounds wonderful,' said Hester. 'Do you really mean it?' 'Yes,' said Calgary , 'I really mean it.'
'But after that? What's going to happen next? I can't go on staying, can I, at Curtis's for ever?'
'Your horizon always seems bounded by infinity,' said Calgary .
'Are you laughing at me?' she asked him doubtfully.
'Just a little,' he said, and smiled.
Her expression wavered and then she, too, smiled.
'I suppose really,' she said confidentially, 'I've been dramatising myself again.'
'It's rather a habit of yours, I suspect,' said Calgary .
'That's why I thought I should do well on the stage,' said Hester. 'But I didn't. I was no good at all. Oh, I was a lousy actress.'
'You'll get all the drama you want out of ordinary life, I should say,' said Calgary . 'Now I'm going to put you in a taxi, my dear, and you go off to Curtis's. And wash your face and brush your hair,' he went on. 'Have you got any luggage with you?'
'Oh, yes. I've got a sort of overnight bag.'
'Good.' He smiled at her. 'Don't worry, Hester,' he said again. 'We'll think of something.'
Chapter 19
'I want to talk to you, Kirsty,' said Philip. 'Yes, of course, Philip.'
Kirsten Lindstrom paused in her task. She had just brought in some washing which she was putting away in
