Armaments Race

Armaments Race Arthur C. Clarke

As I've remarked on previous occasions, no-one has ever succeeded in pinning-down Harry Purvis, prize raconteur of the 'White Hart', for any length of time. Of his scientific knowledge there can be no doubt-but where did he pick it up? And what justification is there for the terms of familiarity with which he speaks of so many Fellows of the Royal Society? There are, it must be admitted, many who do not believe a single word he says. That, I feel, is going a little too far, as I recently remarked somewhat forcibly to Bill Temple.

'You're always gunning for Harry,' I said, 'but you must admit that he provides entertainment. And that's more than most of us can say.'

'If you're being personal,' retorted Bill, still rankling over the fact that some perfectly serious stories had just been returned by an American editor on the grounds that they hadn't made him laugh, 'step outside and say that again.' He glanced through the window, noticed that it was still snowing hard, and hastily added, 'Not today, then, but maybe sometime in the summer, if we're both here on the. Wednesday that catches it. Have another of your favorite shots of straight pineapple juice?'

'Thanks,' I said. 'One day I'll ask for a gin with it, just to shake you. I think I must be the only guy in the White Hart who can take it or leave it-and leaves it.'

This was as far as the conversation got, because the subject of the discussion then arrived. Normally, this would merely have added fuel to the controversy, but as Harry had a. stranger with him we decided to be polite little boys.

'Hello, folks,' said Harry. 'Meet my friend Solly Blumberg. Best special effects man in Hollywood .'

'Let's be accurate, Harry,' said Mr. Blumberg sadly, in a voice that should have belonged to a whipped spaniel. 'Not in Hollywood . out of Hollywood .'

Harry waved the correction aside.

'All the better for you. Sol's come over here to apply his talents to the British film industry.'

'There is a British film. industry?' said Solly anxiously. 'No one seemed very sure round the studio.'

'Sure there is. It's in a very flourishing condition, too. The Government piles on an entertainments tax that drives it to bankruptcy, then keeps it alive with whacking big grants. That's the way we do things in this country. Hey, Drew, where's the Visitor's Book? And a double for both of us. Solly's had a terrible time-he needs a bit of building up.'

I cannot say that, apart from his hang-dog look, Mr. Blumberg had the appearance of a man who had suffered extreme hardships. He was neatly dressed in a Hart, Schaffner and Marx suit, and the points of his shirt collar buttoned down somewhere around the middle of his chest. That was thoughtful of them as they thus concealed something, but not enough, of his tie. I wondered what the trouble was. Not un-American activities again, I prayed: that would trigger off our pet communist, who at the moment was peaceably studying a chess-board in the corner.

We all made sympathetic noises and John said rather pointedly: 'Maybe it'll help to get it off your chest. It will be such a change to hear someone else talking around here.'

'Don't be so modest, John,' cut in Harry promptly. 'I'm not tired of hearing you yet. But I doubt if Solly feels much like going through it again. Do you, old man?'

'No,' said Mr. Blumberg. 'You tell them.'

('I knew it would come to that,' sighed John in my ear.)

'Where shall I begin?' asked Harry. 'The time Lillian Ross came to interview you?'

'Anywhere but there,' shuddered Solly. 'It really started when we were making the first 'Captain Zoom' serial.'

''Captain Zoom'?' said someone ominously. 'Those are two

very rude words in this place. Don't say you were responsible for that unspeakable rubbish!'

'Now boys!' put in Harry in his best oil-on-troubled-waters voice. 'Don't be too harsh. We can't apply our own high standards of criticism to everything. And people have got to earn a living. Besides, millions of kids like Captain Zoom. Surely you wouldn't want to break their little hearts-and so near Xmas, too!'

'If they really liked Captain Zoom, I'd rather break their little necks.'

'Such unseasonable sentiments! I really must apologize for some of my compatriots, Solly. Let's see, what was the name of the first serial?'

''Captain Zoom and the Menace from Mars'.'

'Ali yes, that's right. Incidentally, I wonder why we always are menaced by Mars? I suppose that man Wells started it. One day we may have a big interplanetary libel action on our hands-unless we can prove that the Martians have been equally rude about us.

'I'm very glad to say that I never saw 'Menace From Mars' ('I did;' moaned somebody in the background. 'I'm still trying to forget it.')-but we are not concerned with the story, such as it was. That was written by three men in a bar on Wilshire Boulevard . No-one is sure whether the Menace came out the way it did because the script writers were drunk, or whether they had to keep drunk in order to face the Menace. If that's confusing, don't bother. All that Solly was concerned with were the special effects that the director demanded.

'First of all, he had to build Mars. To do this he spent half an hour with 'The Conquest of Space', and then emerged with a sketch which the carpenters turned into an over-ripe orange floating in nothingness, with an improbable number of stars around it. That was easy. The Martian cities weren't so simple. You try and think of completely alien architecture that still makes sense. I doubt if it's possible-if it will work at all, someone's already used it here on Earth. What the studio finally built was vaguely Byzantine with touches of Frank Lloyd Wright. The fact that none of the doors led anywhere didn't really matter, as long as there was enough room on the sets for the swordplay and general acrobatics that the script demanded.

'Yes-swordplay. Here was a civilization which had atomic

power, death-rays, spaceships, television and suchlike modem conveniences, but when it came to a fight between Captain Zoom and the evil Emperor Klugg, the clock went back a couple of centuries. A lot of soldiers stood round holding deadly-looking ray-guns, but they never did anything with them. Well, hardly ever. Sometimes a shower of sparks would chase Captain Zoom and singe his pants, but that was all. I suppose that as the rays couldn't very well move faster than light, he could always outrun them.

'Still, those ornamental ray-guns gave everyone quite a few headaches. It's funny how Hollywood will spend endless trouble on some minute detail in a film which is complete rubbish. The director of Captain Zoom had a thing about ray-guns. Solly designed the Mark 1, that looked like a cross between a bazooka and a blunderbuss. He was quite satisfied with it, and so was the director-for about a day. And then the great man came raging into the studio carrying a revolting creation of purple plastic with knobs and lenses and levers.

''Lookit this, Solly!' he puffed. 'Junior got it down at the Supermarket-they're being given away with packets of Crunch. Collect ten lids, and you get one. Hell, they're better than ours! And they work!'

'He pressed a lever, and a thin stream of water shot across the set and disappeared behind Captain Zoom's spaceship, where it promptly extinguished a cigarette that had no right to be burning there. An angry stage-hand emerged through the airlock, saw who it was had drenched him, and swiftly retreated, muttering things about his Union .

'Solly examined the ray-gun with annoyance and yet with an expert's discrimination. Yes, it was certainly much more impressive than anything he'd put out. He retired into his office and promised to see what he could do about it.

'The Mark 11 had everything built into it, including a television screen. If Captain Zoom was suddenly confronted by a charging hickoderm, all he had to do was to switch on the set, wait for the tubes to warm up, check the channel selector, adjust the fine tuning, touch up the focus, twiddle with the Line and Frame holds-and then press the trigger. He was, fortunately, a man of unbelievably swift reactions.

'The director was impressed, and the Mark 11 went into

production. A slightly different model, the Mark Ila, was built for the Emperor Klugg's diabolical cohorts. It would never do, of course, if both sides had the same weapon. I told you that Pandemic Productions were sticklers