“I was really scared.”
“This was a small town. I knew you'd be okay.”
“Why didn't you try to find me, Mom?”
“But I did. I searched for hours.”
“Then you gave up.”
“I waited for you at home. I hoped you'd find your way back. And you did, didn't you?”
As time went by, and the phone calls grew ever more erratic, she lost interest in gardening. She would force herself outside, but the leaves became dry and brittle before her eyes, the landscape drained of its usual colors. She called old friends, but found herself wanting to hang up almost immediately. Their conversation, friendly enough, proved as insubstantial as the local ocean fogs. There was no intrinsic value in these relationships, she realized, letting them lag. She quit reading the news, stopped watching her evening shows. Life reduced itself to an egg in the morning, cleanup, sandwich, cleanup, and long periods when she stared out the window, mentally vacant.
Then one night, she took out some pills and set them on her bed stand. She poured herself a glass of water, opened the bottle, and hesitated.
She would wait for one more phone call, then end it.
Strangely, the sight of the pills on her bureau gave her strength. Over the next few days, she conversed cheerfully with neighbors, and, full of purpose for a change, tidied her papers and her life. Her home looked almost happy.
On her birthday, an intolerably smoggy day a month after he graduated from college, he called.
“Happy birthday!”
She couldn't speak for a minute. Sitting down on the bed, she fingered the pills. Her last day. He would be sad, but he would rough it, as she had. These blows that knocked you down only bruised and battered. They did not stop you cold. You went on. He was so young still.
She roused herself. She knew what she should say, but they didn't have that kind of a relationship. Maybe, she decided, as he told her about what he was up to, she would leave him a letter. She could write at her leisure, explain things somehow.
He talked, and she found herself nervous, the warm ocean wave of his voice on the other end, usually so important, receding on a tide. She found his meaning hard to extract, although she tried, shifting her attention from the pills, from the window and the clearing of the sky outside, white clouds consuming the yellow haze, back to him.
Odd the way the usual quick hang up did not happen. He talked about the smell of the ocean breezes and the din of the weed cutters in early summer. She couldn't help noticing how remarkably like his father he sounded, picking up on the sensory details of life as though entirely untouched by them. The similarity unsettled her, reminding her of another leaving a long time ago. This was different, she told herself, because his reaction would be different. Hardy, she hoped. He was an independent soul, she felt, although she was guessing.
She listened now without listening for content. She pressed her ear to the receiver, eager for something besides words. She listened for rhythm, for a thrumming, for a bigger meaning. It took a minute for her to realize what she wanted. She was asking a lot of this final conversation, wasn't she? She urgently wanted to make final contact with his heart.
What she heard instead was a young man's awkward voice, her distracted chat, and punctuating silences between them. But that was who they were, she thought, realizing she didn't have to hear its beat through the phone, or even in the words he said. His heart continued to beat inside her, alongside her own, out of sync.
She knew she must sound funny, but she couldn't help it, as things large and painful moved inside her own heart.
She swung her attention back to the conversation. She had expected to say good-bye by now, but then questions began, like, what was the weather like there today, and how big were her beefsteak tomatoes this year?
She wouldn't tell him she hadn't planted any. “Oh, not as big as last year's. But when did you start to worry about my garden?”
She could hear the silence ballooning, as it so often did, full of all the things they would never say to each other.
Then, he exhaled. “I've met someone.”
“Someone?” she asked stupidly.
“A girl named Tammy.”
A gusher of something, her blood pumping perhaps, made her suddenly dizzy. “Hang on,” she said, then took a sip of water and four deep breaths. “Honey,” she said, “what does that have to do with my garden?”
He wanted to tell Tammy about her tomatoes, he said, because she complained that all they could get were ones that tasted like cardboard.
He had a girlfriend.
How long was her hair? What kind of clothes did she wear? Was she tall? Thin? Pretty? Freckled? Plump? Sweet-natured or cross? Smart? Foolish? Fun? Serious?
A student? Older than him? Younger? An only child?
Sterile?
Sick?
Big-bosomed?
But he would hate her questions, and so she didn't ask them. “I've got to go,” he said, as he always did when he had had enough.
“Okay, dear,” she said, as she always did, careful to keep the leap of frustration she felt at this abrupt pronouncement out of her voice. This time something new crept upon her-fear. She stopped all such feelings and thought about her last words to him. Nothing came to mind. She couldn't show what she felt without scaring him, too. “Have a good evening.”
“Oh, that's weird.” He laughed slightly. “I almost forgot to say why I called! We're flying out for her dad's birthday next weekend. Would you come?”
“Her folks live out here?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Real close to you, actually.”
Surprising herself even more, she said immediately, “Of course I will.”
“I'll pick you up.”
“Okay, honey.” She waited for his good-bye, picking up his picture to look at, hoping she would not cry.
He hovered on the phone. She could hear him breathing. “Honey, are you still there?”
“Yeah.”
He breathed in and out, and she followed the rhythm like a jumpy little tune. Why didn't he hang up?
“It's a double celebration. Mom, we're getting engaged.”
“Oh, honey!”
“Marriage next June, if that works out.”
“That's wonderful news.”
“And she wants to settle near her parents. We'll be able to visit more often than I have lately.”
“That would be really nice, dear.” A vague picture arose and sharpened in her mind, of roses, of arbors, sunshine, smiling people, a happy event in her very own beautiful, flower-soaked yard. “How did you meet? At school?”
“No, she worked in a copy place at night putting herself through college. I was always in there in the middle of the night.”
“Who spoke first?”
“You obviously don't know her or you wouldn't bother to ask.”
She heard a tinkle of laughter in the background. So Tammy was there, listening. “What's she like?”
“Oh, she's a riot. Has a story about everything. Kind of like you, Mom, although she talks more. Much, much more.”
He yelped and dropped the phone. “Oops,” he said, “sorry.”
“Will she be with you when you come?”
“Yes. And, Mom. I tried to resist, but she begged me. And I gave in. I told her all about you.”
“You have?”
“She knows all your secrets.”
“Really.”
He laughed. “I'm sure there are a few left you can tell her yourself, if you can get a word in edgewise. You two are gonna get along like a house afire, Mom. That, I promise you.”
He kept her on the phone for a very long time. She heard love in his voice, and hope. Listening to the emotional outpouring, her heart pumped faster. Her eyes welled up. They made plans for his visit, then she said good-bye and hung up.
Sun came through the window, spilling butter on the bed, warming the skin of her arm. Outside, blue skies, puff clouds, all kinds of prettiness.
Plans to make.
She needed to make the place beautiful with her flowers. It wasn't too late to put in some azaleas for a fall bloom. She stuck the pills into her bedside drawer. Dusting his picture with a dishrag, she gave it a kiss and put it back on the desk.
She remembered the day the photograph had been taken, how eager he had been to change the oil on his first car, how she had begged him to read the instructions in the manual first, how he had gone ahead and got more of it on himself than into the pan. How hard she had laughed.
When they came, she would show the picture to Tammy. And then, Tammy would ask about her son's interesting expression. She would tell her all about it.
And then, Tammy would talk.
His Master's Hand
I am a cultured man. I am a lonely man. I am a nefarious man. My liver is healthy, and I expect to live well into my eighties.
I have my pleasures, and I enjoy my work.
Have you heard of Peter the Gravedigger? No, you have not and you never will because if the authorities ever realized I existed, they would staple my face onto every post office wall.
My profession is a solitary one. Oh, I am not the first. There are a few rudimentary practitioners in the Valley of the Kings, where there is a long history of my line of work. And of course, there is
