“No.”
I pounced. “Then how can you say your wife has never engaged in oral-genital sex practices with you?”
“I… I never… Charlie…”
“Where did you do your basic training?”
“F-Fort Benning.”
“What year?”
“I don’t remem-”
“
“Nineteen-fifty-six.”
“Were you a grunt?”
“I… I don’t-”
“Were you a grunt? Were you a dogface?”
“I was… I was an officer. First lieu-”
“
“Charlie… Charlie, for God’s sake, calm down-”
“What year was your military obligation fulfilled?”
“N-Nineteen-sixty.”
“You owe your country six years! You’re lying! I’m going to shoot-”
“No!” He cried. “National Guard! I was in the Guard!”
“What was your mother’s maiden name?”
“G-G-Gavin.”
“Why?”
“Wh… I don’t know what you m-”
“Why was her maiden name Gavin?”
“Because her father’s name was Gavin. Charlie-”
“In what year did you do your basic training?”
“Nineteen-fifty-sev-six!”
“You’re lying. Caught you, didn’t I, Don?”
“No! I-I-”
“You started to say
“I’m going to shoot somebody. In the guts, I think. Yes.”
“
“Yes-no-I was an officer…”
“What was your father’s middle name?”
“J-John. Chuh-Charlie, get hold of yourself. D-D-Don’t-”
“Ever gobbled your wife, my man?”
“No!”
“You’re lying. You said you didn’t know what that meant.”
“You explained it to me!” He was breathing in fast little grunts. “Let me go, Charlie, let me g-”
“What is your religious denomination?”
“Methodist.”
“In the choir?”
“No.”
“Did you go to Sunday school?”
“Yes.”
“What are the first three words in the Bible?”
Pause. “In the beginning.”
“First line of the Twenty-third Psalm?”
“The… um… The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”
“And you first ate your wife in 1956?”
“Yes-no… Charlie, let me alone…”
“Basic training, what year?”
“Nineteen-fifty-six!”
“You said fifty-seven before!” I screamed. “Here it goes! I’m going to blow someone’s head off right now!”
“
“What happened to Jonah, Don?”
“He was swallowed by a whale.”
“The Bible says big fish, Don. Is that what you meant?”
“Yeah. Big fish. ’course it was.” Pitifully eager.
“Who built the ark?”
“Noah.”
“Where did you do your basic?”
“Fort Benning.”
More confident; familiar ground. He was letting himself be lulled. “Ever eaten your wife?”
“No.”
“What?”
“No!”
“What’s the last book in the Bible, Don?”
“Revelations.”
“Actually it’s just Revelation. No s. Right?”
“Right, sure, right.”
“Who wrote it?”
“John.”
“What was your father’s middle name?”
“John.”
“Ever get a revelation from your father, Don?”
A strange, high, cackling laugh from Don Grace. Some of the kids blinked uneasily at the sound of that laugh. “Uh… no… Charlie… I can’t say that I ever did.”
“What was your mother’s maiden name?”
“Gavin.”
“Is Christ numbered among the martyrs?”
“Ye-ess…” He was too Methodist to really be sure.
“How was he martyred?”
“By the cross. Crucified.”
“What did Christ ask God on the cross?”
“My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”
“Don?”
“Yes, Charlie.”
“What did you just say?”
“I said ’my God, my God, why…'” Pause. “Oh, no, Charlie. That’s not fair!”
“You asked a question.”
“
“No!”
I fired the pistol into the floor. The whole class, which had been listening with taut, hypnotic attention, flinched. Several people screamed. Pig Pen fainted again, and he struck the floor with a satisfying meat thump. I don’t know if the intercom picked it up, but it really didn’t matter.
Mr. Grace was crying. Sobbing like a baby.
“Satisfactory,” I said to no one in particular. “Very satisfactory.”
