“That is one possible profile.” Miss Ferrell drew her mouth into a rosebud of tiny wrinkles.
Hank Dawson raised his hand. “I heard that the top applicants had to do volunteer work. I don’t think it’s safe for Greer to hang around some soup kitchen with a bunch of welfare types.”
“Nobody has to do anything,” replied Miss Ferrell crisply. “We’re looking for a fit between a student and a school… .”
Rhoda Marensky raised her hand. Her rings flashed. She’d draped her fur over her lap. “Is it appropriate for the applicant to discuss minority connections? I understand there is renewed interest in applicants with Slavic surnames.”
Hank Dawson bellowed: “What a crock!”
Greer Dawson cried, “Daddy!” Caroline Dawson gave her husband and daughter a be-quiet look which made both droop obediently.
Macguire Perkins swiveled his long neck and smirked at his classmates. “I flunk. I quit. Guess I’ll be at Elk Park forever. You can all come visit me here. There’s no way any school’s going to let me in.”
“You’ve already demonstrated how not to get in,” said Miss Ferrell quietly. There were snickers from the listeners, but I missed the joke. Miss Ferrell demanded of Macguire, “Did you write to Indiana? I asked you to have it ready by today, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said under his breath. “I would like you to share it with us, please.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Macguire, let’s go.”
Macguire grumbled and slapped through an untidy folder until he found some papers.
“Up here, please,” commanded Miss Ferrell. “Now, everyone, quiet, please. As I’ve said numerous times, honesty and creativity are what we value in these essays. Parents” ? she nodded meaningfully at the tense adults in the back of the room ? “would do well to remember that.”
Macguire groaned again. Then he unfolded his long body from his desk and slouched to the front of the class, where he towered over the diminutive Miss Ferrell. The holes in his tight jeans showed muscled flesh. His oversize shirttails hung from beneath his sweatshirt. He gave a self-deprecating grin and blushed beneath his acne. It was painful.
Miss Ferrell warned, “If there is any disturbance during Macguire’s presentation, the offender will be excused.”
Macguire gave a beseeching look to the class. Then, reluctantly, he lifted several crumpled pages and started reading.
“‘I want to go to Indiana University because their basketball team needs me. I have always been a fan. I mean, you’d never catch me yelling at the TV during the NCAA finals, “Hoosier mother? Hoosier father?”
Someone snickered. Macguire cleared his throat and continued.
? ‘I’m using my essay to apologize for the way I acted when I came for my campus visit. And also to set the record straight.
” ‘It started off because some of my basketball teammates from last year’s senior class are at I.U., and they all pledged SAE. And also, I didn’t get along with my campus host. I mean, in the real world we wouldn’t have been friends, so why pretend? I’m just trying to explain how everything went so wrong, for which I am sincerely sorry.
” ‘After my campus host and I parted company ? I did not ditch him, as he claimed ? I went over to SAE to see the guys. They were having a keg party and invited me to join in. I didn’t want to be rude and I did sort of feel bad about the campus-host situation. So I thought, well, this time I would be polite.’ “
The laughter grew louder. Macguire looked up. To Miss Ferrell, he said in a low voice, “I know you jus said one page for the essay, but this is a long story. I had to add extra sheets.”
“Just read,” ordered Miss Ferrell. She gave the giggling mass of students a furious look. They fell silent.
” ‘So anyway,’ ? Macguire resumed with a twitch of his lanky body, ” ‘there we were, and I was being polite and a good guest. Yes, I know I am underage, but as I said, I was trying to be polite. Now, after I was polite for all those hours, of course I couldn’t find my way back to the dorm, because you’ve built all those buildings out of Indiana limestone, and to be perfectly honest, they all look alike. While I was lost I was real sorry I had dumped my campus host.
” ‘I did finally find the dorm, and I am truly sorry for the guy on the first floor whose window I had to knock on so he could let me in. He was mad at me, but it wasn’t that cold out, I mean I’d just been lost out there for over an hour, and I wasn’t cold. So why should he have minded so much to come outside in his underwear? And why would you lock up the dorms on a Friday night, anyway? You must know people are going to stay out late partying.’ ?
I looked around. All the senior parents looked somewhat shellshocked. Macguire plunged on. ” ‘I don’t want to be, like, too graphic, but my college counselor is always telling us to write an honest essay. So to be perfectly honest, after I passed out for a couple of hours I woke up and had to puke. It was an overwhelming urge brought on by all that time I was being a good guest over at SAE, and you should be glad that I didn’t ruin all that nice Indiana limestone outside my window but instead hauled ass down to the bathroom.
” ‘After I hurled I felt better. I wanted to go right back to sleep so I could be on time for my interview the next morning and tell you how I helped bring Elk Park Prep to the state finals in basketball with my three-point shots, and not have to listen to you ask me a bunch of questions about Soviet foreign policy. Okay, I told you in my letter that I did a paper on it my junior year, but who cares now? I mean, the world has changed.
” ‘Anyway, at three A.M. I was in the bathroom ready to go back to bed. Here’s an honest question: Why do you put the exit to go back outside right next to the bathroom door? So there I was again, outside, and not smelling too good this time, knocking again on that guy’s window to be let in, and this time he was pissed.
? ‘You know really, now that I look back on it, he didn’t have to get that ticked off. It was Friday night! He didn’t have classes the next day! But as I told you…’ ?
Macguire looked hopefully at Miss Ferrell. “You see, I’m not one of those guys who use bad grammar and say, Like I told you. That ought to count for something.”
“Macguire! Read!”
Macguire cleared his throat and found his place. ” ‘I am sorry,’ ” he read. ” ‘I’m sorry to the guy in the underwear, I’m sorry for drinking when I was a minor, I’m sorry that when you asked me about Soviet foreign policy I said, Who gives a shit? and I’m sorry to my campus host, can’t remember his name. You can tell him that if he wants to come out to Colorado, I’ll show him a good time. Promise.’ “
The applause from the students was immediate and deafening. The parents sat in stunned silence. Macguire, flushed with pleasure, gave the class a broad smile. I began to clap too, until I saw Miss Ferrell’s frown. My hands froze in mid-clap. She rapped on her desk until she had quiet. “Can I go back to my desk?” implored Macguire.
“You may not. I will talk to you later about that… essay. Meanwhile, I want you and Greer Dawson to sit down and role-play an interview. Greer will be the director of admissions at … hmm … Vassar. Macguire, you will be the applicant.”
Macguire slumped unhappily into a chair while Greer Dawson walked primly to the front of the room. Today she was dressed like an L.L. Bean ad: impeccable white turtleneck, navy cardigan, Weejuns, and a tartan skirt. Being paired with Macguire Perkins obviously annoyed her. Miss Ferrell directed her to the desk at the front, then crossed her arms. Macguire gave Greer a goofy look. Greer closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. It seemed to me that Macguire would be better off auditioning with Bar-num and Bailey than trying to go to I.U., but I was not in the college advisement business.
Thank God.
“Gee,” said Macguire in a deep voice. He tilted his head and eyed Greer lovingly. “I’d really like to go to Vassar now that it’s coed. I want to watch the Knicks play in New York and I can’t get into Columbia.” Laughter erupted from the gallery.
“Miss Ferrell!” protested Greer with a shake of her straight, perfectly cut blond hair. “He’s not taking this seriously!”
“I am too!” said Macguire. “I really, really want to go to your school, Hammer, uh” ? he opened his eyes wide at Greer and she tsked ? “Miss Dawson.”
Miss Ferrell gestured to Greer to continue.
Greer’s sigh was worthy of any martyr. “I understand you are interested in basketball, Macguire, and foreign relations. We have a year-abroad program, as you know. Does that interest you?”
