of the others. Now everyone was interested in her.
She looked at him with hatred. Why did he hurt her? Couldn’t any of them see how fragile she was? Now look at him, making out he is so upset, putting everyone through a week’s rota of trancing. Amber felt like she was seeing everyone for the first time; if it wasn’t for Hawk’s vision, they wouldn’t have given Nevaeh a second glance. She hadn’t even inherited anything. Everyone here had at least one totem family member to vouch for them. Amber’s father, the one she never saw since he ran out on them, was one, although he was exiled because of bad behaviour. Nevaeh was adopted, she could be anyone. So could Hawk, and his family were Sioux Indians - for crying out loud. When she heard Hawk was teaching trancing to Nevaeh, she couldn’t believe it.
Pretending to be happy, for a non-totem when you were waiting for initiation was difficult enough. Amber’s anger turned to rage.
This was complete bullshit!
She spoke so softly at first that her voice almost dissolved in the rumble of voices.
‘I don’t understand…you’re supposed to help her.’ Andrea and Nettles were the only ones to turn towards her frowning. The fire inside her blazed while she continued to stare at him.
‘Did you hear me? Yes. You - the great trancer.’ She ignored the intake of breath from everyone. ‘You might as well have let her die!’ Her voice rose as she pushed herself back up to a standing position.
The rest of the group held their breath looking from Amber to Hawk. After staring at her for a deathly few minutes, Hawk turned on his heels slamming the door. She felt cheated, and it inflamed her anger even more. Without thinking, she ran after him as he was getting into his car.
‘Run, you coward – you did this to her and you made me do the same. We both might as well have killed her.’ She screamed. Hawk swung round to face her, his keys jingling in his hand as he strode back.
‘You’re right – we did!’ His voice was hard and fixed like his grim face, and it felt like forever before he pulled his eyes away. Amber felt like cold water had been thrown onto her, and reeled with the effects. By agreeing, he had just pronounced her a murderer.
16
Challenges
The group broke into a frenzy with everyone talking at once. She closed the door quietly before leaning against it. She didn’t expect to find the entire group standing there. Seth was the first to speak.
‘Are you insane? Can’t you see how broken up the guy is Amber?’ Seth pushed his hand through his striped hair while Claudine and Caro spat at her angrily. Seth stopped when she turned towards him with tortured eyes, looking away. Amber looked scarier than normal with her black eyeliner smudged down her face. Her voice was quiet even though her breathing was shallow as she looked at everyone.
‘I just did what you asked. I made friends with Nevaeh. And now I’m a murderer, not you – me. I’m not even a full member. I’m just me – Amber, the one you won’t teach to trance. You never intended to teach me did you, any of you? Just wanted me to bring in Nevaeh, but for what? You never told me anything, just that Hawk had a vision, that she was important. Look at what we’ve all done.’
She held her hands out as if they had blood on them and they were trembling. The silence told her all she needed to know. Only Andrea tried to reach out to her, concern etched on her face. Amber waved her away, before bunching her fists against her temples. She groped blindly for her bag, trying to free it from the cushions on the couch which knocked over a lit candle. Claudine immediately stamped it out, but Amber didn’t notice, she just wanted to escape. She knew where she was really wanted, and it wasn’t here.
Nettles pulled away from Seth’s grasp, positioning herself in front of Amber.
‘Before you leave Amber, you need to remember one thing. We are family here, all of us and just because you’re not ready yet, does not mean that we don’t count you as one of our own.’ Nettles’ voice was stern and normally the voice of reason. Now it irritated her.
Amber looked at her moodily.
She noticed how Claudine and Caro stepped behind Nettles, forming a battle group. Even Seth looked smug as he wound his arms round Nettles’ waist. She felt her temper flare again. The idea of being part of another group was starting to become tempting, really tempting.
‘Are you finished?’ Amber whispered gritting her teeth. She heard the group breath in together. Andrea moved between them, Nettles was known for her temper. She kept her voice soft.
‘Amber you can’t change yet, you’re not ready and even if you are, the totem initiation is a big deal. It takes weeks of planning and council members need to be present.’
She tried to put her hand on her shoulder, but Amber pulled away. Deep down, she knew what Andrea was saying was true, but she did feel ready. She had read the sacred rites until she knew them by heart. The only part she didn’t like was being naked outside. When a totem joined with you for the first time it was because you were chosen. Clothes, she was told, always confused the totem when it was released from Gaia. No-one knew how she had planned and written her ideas for months. The initiation was the most important moment of her whole life. She dreamt of it, and imagined the three who would be part of the ceremony. There would also be a member of the council there which is why she had chosen to memorise everything. She dreamt about her totem and couldn’t wait for one to choose her. According to the book of Gaia, this happened when the doorway between the mortal and immortal world opened. Part of her was sad but today just confirmed her decision to go somewhere else.
Although the voice confirms what she felt, it also makes her flustered, and she drops her bag. They took this as a sign that she was staying, and she felt the atmosphere lighten. Before she could say anything, she was back on the couch and they were doing the hug pile up.
‘I’m so glad you’re staying, you’re not a murderer…no-one is. Only Gaia decides when life is taken or given.’ Nettles whispered before kissing her loudly on her cheek. She reddened then, doubt creeping in. Nettles sounded like she actually meant it and even Claudine and Caro seemed sincere.
‘We were only initiated just before you joined us, we’re still new. And we had to wait ages,’ Claudine said
