'Oh, hell, never mind. I wouldn't think of charging them room and board. What am I thinking of? None asked to come here, and most can't find their way back.'
'You are a most gracious host, Majesty.'
'Well, we're just going to have to raise quitrents.'
Tremaine took a long breath. He cleared his throat. 'Sire,' he began.
His Serene and Transcendent Majesty raised a hand. 'Don't say it. It's politically impossible. Gods damn it all, am I an absolute monarch or am I not an absolute monarch?'
'You, sire, are the absolutest monarch of them all.'
'You bet your sweet ass I am. All right, then why can't I- What fresh hell is this, now?'
Tremaine turned toward the commotion, which was not really a commotion, just a group of people coming through the double doors of the great office.
'— and these are the Royal Chambers, the executive offices of the castle. If you'll step right through here, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and lords-'
The king threw down his quill. 'What the blue blazes is going on?'
Tremaine said, 'I'll see, sire.'
The leader of the group was about to go on with his spiel, but espying Tremaine's approach, he stopped. Then he saw the king.
'Oh! Your Majesty! I thought office hours ended at five of the clock. We did not mean to intrude.'
'Thank you for visiting us, my ladies, my lords,' Tremaine said, approaching the group. 'His Serene Majesty bids you welcome. However, there is much pressing business of state today. As you can see, we are working after hours. If it is not too much trouble, His Majesty requests that you look once around; and then leave.'
'He is handsome, isn't he?' said one coiffed dame to another.
'For as old as he is,' was the second dame's opinion.
'Ye gods,' the king muttered.
The tour group took its time leaving.
'By your leave, sire!' the tour guide said as he backed out.
The doors swung shut.
The king was glaring at Tremaine.
'Sire, I believe you authorized these guided tours last quarter to raise additional revenue.'
His Majesty scowled. 'Pfui. I did no such thing.'
'I believe you did, sire. Yes, I am almost sure of it. In fact, I quite remember looking over the signed edict.'
'But I-'
'Yes, I'm quite sure you authorized the guided tours, sire.'
The King of the Realms Perilous got up slowly. 'I need a vacation.'
'Sire, you just returned from a long journey.'
'I'm going back, pronto. First, though, I'm going to hire me some help.'
'Oh?'
The king walked to the center of the room, stopped, then took two steps to the right and one back, as if sensing some optimal position. Satisfied as to his whereabouts, he began to make motions, tracing the air with his fingers. He sketched whorls and arabesques, circles and oblongs. Then he turned three times around while uttering a series of phrases in a language unfamiliar to his amanuensis.
On the third turnabout, he ended up facing the desk, right foot out, arms extended, fingers splayed.
'Appear!' he shouted, this time in his and Tremaine's native tongue.
A brief burst of flame enveloped the desk, and a puff of smoke rose. When the smoke cleared, there, seated where the king had been moments before, was the king's double, smiling, ready to serve.
Tremaine had stepped warily back, but now edged forward, studying the royal doppelganger.
'Majesty, for the thousandth time, I am in awe of your skill.'
'Pretty good job, eh?'
'Marvelous. Does it speak?-'
'Sure I do,' the double said.
'You'll take care of everything?' the king asked his conjured twin.
'Don't worry about it. Go ahead, take off.'
'Right, thanks.'
The king pulled out of his robes, revealing the purple jogging suit that he wore underneath, and his yellow- andpurple running shoes. He bundled up the robes and tossed them at Tremaine. The crown went a second later.
'Whoa!' Tremaine said, dropping the robes to catch the electrum crown. 'Sire, please be careful!'
The king went to a wall and cast another spell, and in no time an opening, in the form of an arched doorway, appeared in what had been an expanse of bare stone. Beyond stood tall trees, green grass spreading from their bases.
'Look, I'm out of here. My duplicate will handle things. His signature is as good as mine.'
'Sire, do you really think you ought to?'
'Tremaine, indulge me in this.'
'Very well, sire.'
'Good. I going out for my usual afternoon run, which I've skipped for the past thirty-one years, and then I have a bachelor party to show up at. See you later.'
Incarnadine, Lord of the Western Pale and King of the Realms Perilous, walked through the arch. After giving a look around, he broke into a run and was off into dappled sunlight.
Tremaine sighed. He took up a sheaf of papers from the desk.
'And now, sire, I bring up the issue of pay raises for the staff.'
The royal stand-in nodded emphatically. 'It's about time the staff had a raise.'
'But, sire, they are cost-of-living escalators that you yourself authorized-' Tremaine did a take. 'Pardon, sire. Did you just say-?'
The doors banged open.
'Oh, dear,' Tremaine said.
'And this, gentlefolk, is the Royal Office itself!' Heads poked in and necks craned.
'It's the king!'
'The king is here!'
His Serene and Transcendent Majesty rose from his oaken desk and strode toward the door, smiling, arms out and open.
'Welcome, welcome! Come right in, good my lords and ladies!'
'Now, this has possibilities,' Tremaine mused to himself.
CHAPTER TWO
His name was rance of Corcindor and he robbed graves for a living. Times were difficult.
He was hard up for a grave.
He came down from the mountains above Garlanis into the foothills of Midresh, through which a mighty river raced and crashed as it followed a winding course ever downward, tumbling over cataract and rapids until it spilled into the Valley of Goan and the marshy plains of Veklin, there to swell wide and slow to a lazy crawl and flow past the fertile fields of Gan, the grassy knolls of Tabor and the dusty flats of Vilben. Farther along the river narrowed and rushed again at the foot of the cliffs of Heeth. Then, finally, it slowed and widened once more to flow gently by a huge boulder called, for some reason, Weird Larry.
But he didn't go there.
He came down from the mountains and went the other way, descending into rough land, black rocks breaking up through blacker earth. The air hung thick and fetid, palpable, cloying. Dark clouds hovered. Stale odors seeped
