The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

tying seriously - he obviously puts a lot of effort into it, as he tends to come out from a knot-tying lesson looking quite exhausted.'

The pirate with a scarf wondered if it were perhaps time to sit down with some of the crew and set them straight on a couple of matters.

'So eventually I decided to follow you into the tent myself,' continued the pirate with an accor­dion. 'But you were nowhere to be seen! It was completely empty, except for a half-used-up bottle of chloroform. I looked about for a while, and then I found there was a trapdoor hidden in the floor, which led to some steps. And the steps led to a creepy-looking tunnel. Well, that all seemed rather rum. I think it was part of an old sewer system, and you know how you're always reading about people flushing away baby alliga­tors which then grow to gigantic proportions, so - given that alligators and us pirates have got a bit of a troubled history - I was pretty fright­ened, but I played the most upbeat shanties I could think of to keep myself calm. The tunnel went on for a few hundred yards, and then I got to more stairs, lots of them this time, and they

led up here. Now I've found you I suppose I should probably—'

But, without saying another word, the pirate with an accordion died of scurvy, right there and then.

'Blast,' said Erasmus.

'I wasn't expecting that,' said Jennifer miserably.

'Idiot!' said the pirate with a scarf. T told him what would happen if he just ate chocolate all the time instead of limes.'

Scurvy Jake and the Pirate Captain had gone on signing autographs for most of the afternoon. Occasionally the Pirate Captain got a bit annoyed to hear Scurvy Jake passing off one of the Pirate Captain's exciting anecdotes as if it was his own, but he decided to let it slide. After they had both run out of photographs - the Pirate Captain was pleased to have pocketed over sixty doubloons for his efforts - they decided to wander over to the part of the convention where several stalls were selling piratical equipment at trade prices. There

was a lot of good-natured bargaining going on, as pirates jostled each other for the best deals. The Pirate Captain picked up a job lot of thirty port­holes for just twenty-eight pounds - less than a pound per porthole! He also bought a barrel of tar, six bottles of Pirate Rum, and a few tricorn hats just to spite everybody. Satisfied with his purchases, he and Scurvy Jake headed over to the Metropolitan's bar to drink and reminisce.

Pretty soon Scurvy Jake was a bit worse the wear from all the grog.

'I was a terrible pirate,' he said, in a cracked voice. 'You were always a much better pirate than me.'

It was true, thought the Pirate Captain. Scurvy Jake had always been a rubbish pirate. With his lumbering lack of coordination and his giant hands, he was no good at tying knots, and he was famous for repeatedly burying treasure and then forgetting where he'd left it. But the Pirate Captain didn't like to see his old friend upset.

'Pfft! I've made a few mistakes myself,' said the Pirate Captain, trying to console him. 'Like that time I let a cannibal join the crew. And that other time when I said 'Well, I don't see any hurricane.' I'm not perfect.'

'But I'm the worst pirate ever. I'm so clumsy,' sobbed Scurvy Jake.

'What about Courteous Frank? He was easily a worse pirate than you ever were. I heard he refused to let his crew cure the ship's meat with salt, because he'd read that a high sodium intake had been linked to heart disease. Died eating a slice of rancid ham. You're not even close!'

'It's kind of you to say so, Pirate Captain. You know, if there's anything I can do to help, you just have to ask. Are you on holiday, or are you on an adventure?'

Adventure. And you can help, Scurvy Jake!' The Pirate Captain's beard glittered with pirati­cal cunning. 'Do you know where I could get hold of a big white sheet?'

Eleven

_MAROONED!

'He's not just evil! He's insane! A 100 percent Grade-A lunatic!' shouted Darwin, flinging the evening edition of the Mail at the Pirate Captain, who had returned from his Pirate Convention and was helping set up the stage of the Natural History Museum's lecture room for the evening's performance. 'The Bishop of Oxford has persisted with his ridicu­lous scare-mongering. Now he's saying that if I go ahead with my Man-panzee demonstration, the Holy Ghost - the Holy Ghost! - will person­ally make an appearance at my lecture, and wrestle me and Mister Bobo to the ground! Really, it's too much!'

'It's not the Bishop's work. It's mine,' said the Pirate Captain, chewing the end off a fat cigar, and looking smug. Sometimes the Pirate Captain found himself thinking what a fantas­tic, hard-bitten and wily newspaper mogul he would have made, had he not taken up piracy

instead. Darwin slumped into one of the audito­rium's seats.

'I'm not sure I follow,' he said weakly.

'I'm the one who started the rumour. And -even though I say it myself - it's a stroke of genius.'

'For pity's sake, why?'

'Listen, Charles. You've got a lot to learn about this science business. It's not all about test tubes and creatures and bits of gauze.'

'It isn't?'

'No, it isn't. The whole thing became clear to me when I was talking to an old friend of mine. He was telling me how great at pirating he always thought I was,' explained the Pirate Captain. And the fact is, I have made something of a name for myself in nautical circles. But why do you think that is?'

Darwin scratched his head thoughtfully. 'Your luxuriant beard?'

Aaarrr,' said the Pirate Captain. 'That proba­bly plays a part in it. But more than that, I think it's because of my gift for showmanship. Like the way I drink ram mixed with gunpowder,

even though it tastes disgusting. And the way I run people through in such a grisly manner.'

'Surely,' said Darwin, 'it's not possible to be run through in any manner other than a grisly one?'

'Now, a lot of people will tell you that. But it's not the case. You take the pirate with a scarf. He's such a proficient swordsman that I've seen him run a man through without spilling a drop of blood,²⁵ and the fellow on the receiving end dies in a speedy and humane fashion. Me on the other hand, I'm forever making a mess of it, hacking about all over the shop, getting my cutlass stuck in a particularly tough bit of gris­tle. Yet, quite inadvertently, this has all added to my fearsome reputation! And with pirating, reputation is everything.'

25 There are roughly eight pints of blood in the average human. Blood contains red cells, white cells and platelets suspended in a proteinacious fluid called plasma. The first dog biscuit to be made entirely out of blood was invented by Tamsin Virgo, a young woman from Stoke, England.

'I'm still not sure I follow you,' said the puzzled young scientist.

'Mister Bobo is a fantastic achievement. But there's a thousand other scientists out there trying to make a name for themselves. So if you're going to stand out and impress the stony-faced Victorian establishment, you need a gimmick! A bit of controversy! It's all about the presentation.'

So the Pirate Captain explained his latest plan. Though perhaps it was a little more complicated than his usual plans, which tended to involve how much ham to eat, the Pirate Captain was confident of success. Darwin was less certain.

'I don't know, Pirate Captain,' he said with a sad shake of his head, once the Captain had finished. 'It all seems such a risk. This lecture is expressly against the Bishop's wishes. I can't help but think something truly terrible will befall my poor brother.'

'Well, I'm in the same boat myself,' said the Pirate Captain with a shrug. 'Two of my pirates never returned from investigating that sinister circus. There's a good chance the Bishop has some evil fate planned for them too.