'She owed money to the madam,' I objected, egged on more and more by the argument, 'and worked for her almost to the end, even though she had consumption. The cabbies around there were talking with the soldiers and told them about it. Probably her old acquaintances. They were laughing. They wanted to go and commemorate her in a pot-house.' (Here, too, I was laying it on thick.)
Silence, deep silence. She did not even stir.
'So it's better to die in a hospital, is it?'
'What's the difference… Anyway, who says I'm going to die?' she added irritably.
'If not now, then later?'
'Well, and later…'
'That's easy to say! You're young now, good-looking, fresh -so you're worth the price. But after a year of this life you won't be the same, you'll fade.'
'In a year?'
'At any rate, in a year you'll be worth less,' I went on, gloatingly. 'So you'll go from here to somewhere lower, another house. A year later - to a third house, always lower and lower, and in about seven years you'll reach the Haymarket and the basement. That's still not so bad. Worse luck will be if on top of that some sickness comes along, say, some weakness of the chest… or you catch cold, or something. Sickness doesn't go away easily in such a life. Once it gets into you, it may not get out. And so you'll die.'
'Well, so I'll die,' she answered, very spitefully now, and stirred quickly.
'Still, it's a pity.'
'For who?'
'A pity about life.'
Silence.
'Did you have a fiance? Eh?'
'What's it to you!'
'But I'm not questioning you. It's nothing to me. Why get angry? Of course, you may have had your own troubles. What's that to me? It's just a pity.'
'For who?' 'For you.
'Don't bother…' she whispered, barely audibly, and stirred again.
This immediately fueled my anger even more. What! I was trying to be so gentle, and she…
'But what do you think? Is it a good path you're on, eh?'
'I don't think anything.'
'And that's what's bad, that you don't think. Wake up while you have time. And you do have time. You're still young, good-looking; you could find love, marry, be happy…'
'Not all the married ones are happy,' she snapped, in the same rude patter.
'Not all, of course - but even so it's much better than here. A whole lot better. And with love one can live even without happiness. Life is good even in sorrow, it's good to live in the world, no matter how. And what is there here except… stench. Phew!'
I turned to her with loathing; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I myself began to feel what I was saying, and became excited. I already thirsted to expound my cherished 'little ideas,' lived out in my corner. Something in me suddenly lit up, some goal 'appeared.'
'Never mind my being here, I'm no example for you. Maybe I'm even worse than you. Anyway, I was drunk when I stopped here,' I still hastened to justify myself. 'Besides, a man is no sort of example for a woman. It's a different thing; I may dirty and befoul myself, but all the same I'm nobody's slave; I'm here, then I'm gone, and that's all. I've shaken it off, and it's no longer me. But let's admit that you're a slave from the first beginning. Yes, a slave! You give up everything, all your will. Later you may want to break these chains, but no: they'll ensnare you more and more strongly. That's how this cursed chain is. I know it. I won't even speak about other things, you perhaps wouldn't understand me, but just tell me: no doubt you're already in debt to the madam? So, you see!' I added, though she did not answer me, but only listened silently, with her whole being; 'there's a chain for you! Now you'll never get it paid off. That's how they do it. The same as selling your soul to the devil…
'… Besides, I… how do you know, maybe I'm just as unfortunate as you are, and so I get into the muck on purpose, from misery. People do drink from grief: well, so I'm here - from grief. Now tell me, where's the good in it: here you and I… came together… tonight, and we didn't say a word to each other all the while, and only afterwards you started peering at me like a wild thing, and I at you. Is that any way to love? Is that any way for two human beings to come together? It's simply an outrage, that's what!'
'Yes!' she agreed, abruptly and hastily. I was even surprised by the hastiness of this 'yes.' So perhaps the same thought was wandering through her mind as she was peering at me just now? So she, too, is already capable of certain thoughts?… 'Devil take it, that's curious, it's - akin' I reflected, almost rubbing my hands. 'No, how can I fail to get the better of such a young soul?…'
It was the game that fascinated me most of all.
She turned her head closer to me and, it seemed to me in the darkness, propped it with her hand. Perhaps she was peering at me. How sorry I was that I couldn't make out her eyes. I heard her deep breathing.
'Why did you come here?' I began, now with a sense of power. I just…
'And how good it would be to be living in your father's house! Warm, free; your own nest.'
'And what if it's worse than that?'
