one else. It's folly, madness to others, all I've told you of the hymn. They'll say I'm out of my mind or a fool. I am not out of my mind and I am not a fool. Ivan understands about the hymn, too. He understands, only he doesn't answer--he doesn't speak. He doesn't believe in the hymn. Don't speak, don't speak. I see how you look! You have already decided. Don't decide, spare me! I can't live without Grusha. Wait till after the trial!'
Mitya ended beside himself. He held Alyosha with both hands on his shoulders, and his yearning, feverish eyes were fixed on his brother's.
'They don't let convicts marry, do they?' he repeated for the third time in a supplicating voice.
Alyosha listened with extreme surprise and was deeply moved.
'Tell me one thing,' he said. 'Is Ivan very keen on it, and whose idea was it?'
'His, his, and he is very keen on it. He didn't come to see me at first, then he suddenly came a week ago and he began about it straight away. He is awfully keen on it. He doesn't ask me, but orders me to escape. He doesn't doubt of my obeying him, though I showed him all my heart as I have to you, and told him about the hymn, too. He told me he'd arrange it; he's found out about everything. But of that later. He's simply set on it. It's all a matter of money: he'll pay ten thousand for escape and give me twenty thousand for America. And he says we can arrange a magnificent escape for ten thousand.'
'And he told you on no account to tell me?' Alyosha asked again.
'To tell no one, and especially not you; on no account to tell you. He is afraid, no doubt, that you'll stand before me as my conscience. Don't tell him I told you. Don't tell him, for anything.'
'You are right,' Alyosha pronounced; 'it's impossible to decide anything before the trial is over. After the trial you'll decide of yourself. Then you'll find that new man in yourself and he will decide.'
'A new man, or a Bernard who'll decide a la Bernard, for I believe I'm a contemptible Bernard myself,' said Mitya, with a bitter grin.
'But, brother, have you no hope then of being acquitted?'
Mitya shrugged his shoulders nervously and shook his head.
'Alyosha, darling, it's time you were going,' he said, with a sudden haste. 'There's the superintendent shouting in the yard. He'll be here directly. We are late; it's irregular. Embrace me quickly. Kiss me! Sign me with the cross, darling, for the cross I have to bear to-morrow.'
They embraced and kissed.
'Ivan,' said Mitya suddenly, 'suggests my escaping; but, of course, he believes I did it.'
A mournful smile came on to his lips.
'Have you asked him whether he believes it?' asked Alyosha.
'No, I haven't. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I hadn't the courage. But I saw it from his eyes. Well, good- bye!'
Once more they kissed hurriedly, and Alyosha was just going out, when Mitya suddenly called him back.
'Stand facing me! That's right!' And again he seized Alyosha, putting both hands on his shoulders. His face became suddenly quite pale, so that it was dreadfully apparent, even through the gathering darkness. His lips twitched, his eyes fastened upon Alyosha.
'Alyosha, tell me the whole truth, as you would before God. Do you believe I did it? Do you, do you in yourself, believe it? The whole truth, don't lie!' he cried desperately.
Everything seemed heaving before Alyosha, and he felt something like a stab at his heart.
'Hush! What do you mean?' he faltered helplessly.
'The whole truth, the whole, don't lie!' repeated Mitya.
'I've never for one instant believed that you were the murderer!' broke in a shaking voice from Alyosha's breast, and he raised his right hand in the air, as though calling God to witness his words.
Mitya's whole face was lighted up with bliss.
'Thank you!' he articulated slowly, as though letting a sigh escape him after fainting. 'Now you have given me new life. Would you believe it, till this moment I've been afraid to ask you, you, even you. Well, go! You've given me strength for to-morrow. God bless you! Come, go along! Love Ivan!' was Mitya's last word.
Alyosha went out in tears. Such distrustfulness in Mitya, such lack of confidence even to him, to Alyosha--all this suddenly opened before Alyosha an unsuspected depth of hopeless grief and despair in the soul of his unhappy brother. Intense, infinite compassion overwhelmed him instantly. There was a poignant ache in his torn heart. 'Love Ivan'-- he suddenly recalled Mitya's words. And he was going to Ivan. He badly wanted to see Ivan all day. He was as much worried about Ivan as about Mitya, and more than ever now.
Chapter 5
Not You, Not You!
ON the way to Ivan he had to pass the house where Katerina Ivanovna was living. There was light in the windows. He suddenly stopped and resolved to go in. He had not seen Katerina Ivanovna for more than a week. But now it struck him that Ivan might be with her, especially on the eve of the terrible day. Ringing, and mounting the staircase, which was dimly lighted by a Chinese lantern, he saw a man coming down, and as they met, he recognised him as his brother. So he was just coming from Katerina Ivanovna.
'Ah, it's only you,' said Ivan dryly. 'Well, good-bye! You are going to her?'
'Yes.'
'I don't advise you to; she's upset and you'll upset her more.'
A door was instantly flung open above, and a voice cried suddenly:
'No, no! Alexey Fyodorovitch, have you come from him?'
'Yes, I have been with him.'
'Has he sent me any message? Come up, Alyosha, and you, Ivan Fyodorovitch, you must come back, you must. Do you hear?'
There was such a peremptory note in Katya's voice that Ivan, after a moment's hesitation, made up his mind to go back with Alyosha.
'She was listening,' he murmured angrily to himself, but Alyosha heard it.
'Excuse my keeping my greatcoat on,' said Ivan, going into the drawing-room. 'I won't sit down. I won't stay more than a minute.'
'Sit down, Alexey Fyodorovitch,' said Katerina Ivanovna, though she remained standing. She had changed very little during this time, but there was an ominous gleam in her dark eyes. Alyosha remembered afterwards that she had struck him as particularly handsome at that moment.
'What did he ask you to tell me?'
'Only one thing,' said Alyosha, looking her straight in the face, 'that you would spare yourself and say nothing at the trial of what' (he was a little confused) '...passed between you... at the time of your first acquaintance... in that town.'
'Ah! that I bowed down to the ground for that money!' She broke into a bitter laugh. 'Why, is he afraid for me or for himself? He asks me to spare--whom? Him or myself? Tell me, Alexey Fyodorovitch!'
Alyosha watched her intently, trying to understand her.
'Both yourself and him,' he answered softly.
'I am glad to hear it,' she snapped out maliciously, and she suddenly blushed.
'You don't know me yet, Alexey Fyodorovitch,' she said menacingly. 'And I don't know myself yet. Perhaps you'll want to trample me under foot after my examination to-morrow.'
'You will give your evidence honourably,' said Alyosha; 'that's all that's wanted.'
'Women are often dishonourable,' she snarled. 'Only an hour ago I was thinking I felt afraid to touch that monster... as though he were a reptile... but no, he is still a human being to me! But did he do it? Is he the murderer?' she cried, all of a sudden, hysterically, turning quickly to Ivan. Alyosha saw at once that she had asked Ivan that question before, perhaps only a moment before he came in, and not for the first time, but for the hundredth, and that they had ended by quarrelling.
'I've been to see Smerdyakov.... It was you, you who persuaded me that he murdered his father. It's only you I believed' she continued, still addressing Ivan. He gave her a sort of strained smile. Alyosha started at her tone. He had not suspected such familiar intimacy between them.
'Well, that's enough, anyway,' Ivan cut short the conversation. 'I am going. I'll come to-morrow.' And turning at once, he walked out of the room and went straight downstairs.
With an imperious gesture, Katerina Ivanovna seized Alyosha by both hands.
