all, a greater sinner than all men in the world.' And all at once the whole truth in its full light appeared to me: what was I going to do? I was going to kill a good, clever, noble man, who had done me no wrong, and by depriving his wife of happiness for the rest of her life, I should be torturing and killing her too. I lay thus in my bed with my face in the pillow, heedless how the time was passing. Suddenly my second, the ensign, came in with the pistols to fetch me.
'Ah,' said he, 'it's a good thing you are up already, it's time we were off, come along!'
I did not know what to do and hurried to and fro undecided; we went out to the carriage, however.
'Wait here a minute,' I said to him. 'I'll be back directly, I have forgotten my purse.'
And I ran back alone, to Afanasy's little room.
'Afanasy,' I said, 'I gave you two blows on the face yesterday, forgive me,' I said.
He started as though he were frightened, and looked at me; and I saw that it was not enough, and on the spot, in my full officer's uniform, I dropped at his feet and bowed my head to the ground.
'Forgive me,' I said.
Then he was completely aghast.
'Your honour... sir, what are you doing? Am I worth it?'
And he burst out crying as I had done before, hid his face in his hands, turned to the window and shook all over with his sobs. I flew out to my comrade and jumped into the carriage.
'Ready,' I cried. 'Have you ever seen a conqueror?' I asked him. 'Here is one before you.'
I was in ecstasy, laughing and talking all the way, I don't remember what about.
He looked at me. 'Well, brother, you are a plucky fellow, you'll keep up the honour of the uniform, I can see.'
So we reached the place and found them there, waiting us. We were placed twelve paces apart; he had the first shot. I stood gaily, looking him full in the face; I did not twitch an eyelash, I looked lovingly at him, for I knew what I would do. His shot just grazed my cheek and ear.
'Thank God,' I cried, 'no man has been killed,' and I seized my pistol, turned back and flung it far away into the wood. 'That's the place for you,' I cried.
I turned to my adversary.
'Forgive me, young fool that I am, sir,' I said, 'for my unprovoked insult to you and for forcing you to fire at me. I am ten times worse than you and more, maybe. Tell that to the person whom you hold dearest in the world.'
I had no sooner said this than they all three shouted at me.
'Upon my word,' cried my adversary, annoyed, 'if you did not want to fight, why did not you let me alone?'
'Yesterday I was a fool, to-day I know better,' I answered him gaily.
'As to yesterday, I believe you, but as for to-day, it is difficult to agree with your opinion,' said he.
'Bravo,' I cried, clapping my hands. 'I agree with you there too, I have deserved it!'
'Will you shoot, sir, or not?'
'No, I won't,' I said; 'if you like, fire at me again, but it would be better for you not to fire.'
The seconds, especially mine, were shouting too: 'Can you disgrace the regiment like this, facing your antagonist and begging his forgiveness! If I'd only known this!'
I stood facing them all, not laughing now.
'Gentlemen,' I said, 'is it really so wonderful in these days to find a man who can repent of his stupidity and publicly confess his wrongdoing?'
'But not in a duel,' cried my second again.
'That's what's so strange,' I said. 'For I ought to have owned my fault as soon as I got here, before he had fired a shot, before leading him into a great and deadly sin; but we have made our life so grotesque, that to act in that way would have been almost impossible, for only after I had faced his shot at the distance of twelve paces could my words have any significance for him, and if I had spoken before, he would have said, ‘He is a coward, the sight of the pistols has frightened him, no use to listen to him.’ Gentlemen,' I cried suddenly, speaking straight from my heart, 'look around you at the gifts of God, the clear sky, the pure air, the tender grass, the birds; nature is beautiful and sinless, and we, only we, are sinful and foolish, and we don't understand that life is heaven, for we have only to understand that and it will at once be fulfilled in all its beauty, we shall embrace each other and weep.'
I would have said more but I could not; my voice broke with the sweetness and youthful gladness of it, and there was such bliss in my heart as I had never known before in my life.
'All this is rational and edifying,' said my antagonist, 'and in any case you are an original person.'
'You may laugh,' I said to him, laughing too, 'but afterwards you will approve of me.'
'Oh, I am ready to approve of you now,' said he; 'will you shake hands? for I believe you are genuinely sincere.'
'No,' I said, 'not now, later on when I have grown worthier and deserve your esteem, then shake hands and you will do well.'
We went home, my second upbraiding me all the way, while I kissed him. All my comrades heard of the affair at once and gathered together to pass judgment on me the same day.
'He has disgraced the uniform,' they said; 'Let him resign his commission.'
Some stood up for me: 'He faced the shot,' they said.
'Yes, but he was afraid of his other shot and begged for forgiveness.'
'If he had been afraid of being shot, he would have shot his own pistol first before asking forgiveness, while he flung it loaded into the forest. No, there's something else in this, something original.'
I enjoyed listening and looking at them. 'My dear friends and comrades,' said I, 'don't worry about my resigning my commission, for I have done so already. I have sent in my papers this morning and as soon as I get my discharge I shall go into a monastery--it's with that object I am leaving the regiment.'
When I had said this every one of them burst out laughing.
'You should have told us of that first, that explains everything, we can't judge a monk.'
They laughed and could not stop themselves, and not scornfully, but kindly and merrily. They all felt friendly to me at once, even those who had been sternest in their censure, and all the following month, before my discharge came, they could not make enough of me. 'Ah, you monk,' they would say. And everyone said something kind to me, they began trying to dissuade me, even to pity me: 'What are you doing to yourself?'
'No,' they would say, 'he is a brave fellow, he faced fire and could have fired his own pistol too, but he had a dream the night before that he should become a monk, that's why he did it.'
It was the same thing with the society of the town. Till then I had been kindly received, but had not been the object of special attention, and now all came to know me at once and invited me; they laughed at me, but they loved me. I may mention that although everybody talked openly of our duel, the authorities took no notice of it, because my antagonist was a near relation of our general, and as there had been no bloodshed and no serious consequences, and as I resigned my commission, they took it as a joke. And I began then to speak aloud and fearlessly, regardless of their laughter, for it was always kindly and not spiteful laughter. These conversations mostly took place in the evenings, in the company of ladies; women particularly liked listening to me then and they made the men listen.
'But how can I possibly be responsible for all?' everyone would laugh in my face. 'Can I, for instance, be responsible for you?'
'You may well not know it,' I would answer, 'since the whole world has long been going on a different line, since we consider the veriest lies as truth and demand the same lies from others. Here I have for once in my life acted sincerely and, well, you all look upon me as a madman. Though you are friendly to me, yet, you see, you all laugh at me.'
'But how can we help being friendly to you?' said my hostess, laughing. The room was full of people. All of a sudden the young lady rose, on whose account the duel had been fought and whom only lately I had intended to be my future wife. I had not noticed her coming into the room. She got up, came to me and held out her hand.
'Let me tell you,' she said, 'that I am the first not to laugh at you, but on the contrary I thank you with tears and express my respect for you for your action then.'
Her husband, too, came up and then they all approached me and almost kissed me. My heart was filled with
