The Eternal Husband and Other Stories

“You’re drunk, and therefore I don’t understand in what sense you’re speaking,” he remarked severely. “I am always ready to have a talk with you; the sooner the better, even… I came so as… But before all you must know that I’m taking measures: you must spend the night here! Tomorrow morning I take you and off we go. I won’t let you out!” he screamed again. “I’ll tie you up and bring you with my own hands!… Does this sofa suit you?” Breathless, he pointed to the wide and soft sofa that stood opposite the sofa on which he himself slept, against the other wall.

“Good heavens, sir, but for me, anywhere…”

“Not anywhere, but on this sofa! Here’s a sheet for you, a blanket, a pillow, take them” (Velchaninov took it all out of a wardrobe and hurriedly threw it to Pavel Pavlovich, who obediently held out his arms). “Make your bed immediately, im-med-iate-ly!”

The loaded-down Pavel Pavlovich stood in the middle of the room, as if undecided, with a long, drunken smile on his drunken face; but at Velchaninov’s repeated menacing cry, he suddenly started bustling about as fast as he could, moved the table aside, and, puffing, began to spread and smooth out the sheet. Velchaninov came over to help him; he was partly pleased with his guest’s obedience and fright.

“Finish your glass and lie down,” he commanded again; he felt he could not help but command. “Was it you who ordered wine sent for?”

“Myself, sir, for wine… I knew, Alexei Ivanovich, that you wouldn’t send for more, sir.”

“It’s good that you knew that, but you need to learn still more. I tell you once again that I’ve taken measures now: I’ll no longer suffer your clowning, nor yesterday’s drunken kisses!”

“I myself understand, Alexei Ivanovich, that it was possible only once, sir,” Pavel Pavlovich grinned.

Hearing this answer, Velchaninov, who was pacing the room, suddenly stopped almost solemnly in front of Pavel Pavlovich:

“Pavel Pavlovich, speak directly! You’re intelligent, I acknowledge it again, but I assure you that you are on a false path! Speak directly, act directly, and, I give you my word of honor—I will answer to anything you like!”

Pavel Pavlovich again grinned his long smile, which alone was enough to enrage Velchaninov.

“Wait!” he cried again, “don’t pretend, I can see through you! I repeat: I give you my word of honor that I am ready to answer to everything, and you will receive every possible satisfaction, that is, every, even the impossible! Oh, how I wish you would understand me!…”

“If you’re so good, sir,” Pavel Pavlovich cautiously moved closer to him, “then, sir, I’m very interested in what you mentioned yesterday about the predatory type, sir!…”

Velchaninov spat and again began pacing the room, still quicker than before.

“No, Alexei Ivanovich, sir, don’t you spit, because I’m very interested and came precisely to verify… My tongue doesn’t quite obey me, but forgive me, sir. Because about this ‘predatory’ type and the ‘placid’ one, sir, I myself read something in a magazine, in the criticism section⁷—I remembered it this morning… I’d simply forgotten it, sir, and, to tell the truth, I didn’t understand it then, either. I precisely wished to clarify: the late Stepan Mikhailovich Bagautov, sir—was he ‘predatory’ or ‘placid’? How to reckon him, sir?”

Velchaninov still kept silent, without ceasing to pace.

“The predatory type is the one,” he suddenly stopped in fury, “is the man who would rather poison Bagautov in a glass, while ‘drinking champagne’ with him in the name of a pleasant encounter with him, as you drank with me yesterday—and would not go accompanying his coffin to the cemetery, as you did today, devil knows out of which of your hidden, underground, nasty strivings and clowning which besmirch only you yourself! You yourself!”

“Exactly right, he wouldn’t go, sir,” Pavel Pavlovich confirmed, “only why is it me, sir, that you’re so…”

“It’s not the man,” Velchaninov, excited, was shouting without listening, “not the man who imagines God knows what to himself, sums up all justice and law, learns his offense by rote, whines, clowns, minces, hangs on people’s necks, and—lo and behold—all his time gets spent on it! Is it true that you wanted to hang yourself? Is it?”

“Maybe I blurted something out when I was drunk—I don’t remember, sir. It’s somehow indecent, Alexei Ivanovich, for us to go pouring poison into glasses. Besides being an official in good standing—I’m not without capital, and I may want to get married again, sir.”

“And you’d be sent to hard labor.”

“Well, yes, there’s also that unpleasantness, sir, though in the courts nowadays they introduce lots of mitigating circumstances. But I wanted to tell you a killingly funny little anecdote, Alexei Ivanovich, I remembered it in the coach earlier, sir. You just said: ‘Hangs on people’s necks.’ Maybe you remember Semyon Petrovich Livtsov, sir, he visited us in T———while you were there; well, he had a younger brother, also considered a Petersburg young man, served in the governor’s office in V——— and also shone with various qualities. He once had an argument with Golubenko, a colonel, at a gathering, in the presence of ladies, including the lady of his heart, and reckoned himself insulted, but he swallowed his offense and concealed it; and Golubenko meanwhile won over the lady of his heart and offered her his hand. And what do you think? This Livtsov—he even sincerely started a friendship with Golubenko, was reconciled with him completely, and moreover, sir—got himself invited to be best man, held the crown,⁸ and once they came back from church, went up to congratulate and kiss Golubenko, and in front of the whole noble company, in front of the governor, in a tailcoat and curled hair himself, sir—he up and stabbed him in the gut with a knife—Golubenko went sprawling! His own best man, it’s such a shame, sir! But that’s not all! The main thing was that after stabbing him with the knife, he turned around: ‘Ah, what have I done! Ah, what is it I’ve done!’—tears flow, he shakes, throws himself on all their necks, even the ladies’, sir: ‘Ah, what have I done! Ah, what is it I’ve done now!’ heh, heh, heh! it’s killing, sir. Only it was too bad about Golubenko; but he recovered from it, sir.”

“I don’t see why you’ve told this to me,” Velchaninov frowned severely.

“But it’s all on account of that, sir that he did stab him with a knife, sir,” Pavel Pavlovich tittered. “You can even see he’s not the type, that he’s a sop of a man, if he forgot decency itself out of fear and threw himself on ladies’ necks in the presence of the governor—and yet he did stab him, sir, he got his own! It’s only for that, sir.”

“Get the hell out of here,” Velchaninov suddenly screamed in a voice not his own, just as if something had come unhinged in him, “get out of here with your underground trash, you’re underground trash yourself—thinks he can scare me—child-tormentor—mean man—scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel!” he shouted, forgetting himself and choking on every word.