You Against Me

‘You know,’ he said, ‘maybe I want that cup of tea after all.’

Holly scrambled up. ‘I’ll tell Mum.’

He really didn’t want to be left alone with Karyn, but Holly insisted. She pressed past him and disappeared into the flat.

Karyn turned another page.

He lit a new cigarette from the old one and inhaled, long and deep. He knew he should give talking another try, but didn’t know where to begin. There were so many things he wanted to tell her – all the stuff he’d realized recently about how much she did, had always done in fact. She’d been taking Holly to school for years, collecting her too, doing the shopping and washing and keeping Mum in line. All he’d ever done was go to work, hang out with Jacko and pick up girls. Even his great scheme of becoming a chef had crumbled to nothing. The last few weeks, it was as if someone had taken his life to pieces and let him see the way it worked. And what he’d realized was that he wasn’t the heroic big brother who could solve every problem and hold a family together; he was, in fact, an idiot, and of course his sister wasn’t going to bother speaking to him.

He took a breath. Now or never.

‘Karyn,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry.’

She looked over the top of her sunglasses at him.

‘I wanted to help you, but I got it wrong.’

She smiled. A tiny shadow of a smile, creeping along her lips from the edge of her mouth. ‘I’ll think about it.’

‘About what?’

‘Whether to forgive you or not.’ She pushed her glasses back up her nose and turned another page of her magazine.

Mum brought out the tea. She sat on a deckchair, her feet in the sun. Holly came out with a satsuma and peeled it carefully, sucked each segment dry of juice and left the empty skin on the step next to Mikey.

‘It’s got pips in,’ she told him, ‘and I don’t like pips.’

Karyn smiled at her. ‘You could make a bracelet out of them if there’s enough. I did it at school once. You use food colouring to dye them, then string them together. Stacey’s coming over later and we’ll help you if you like.’

‘Cool.’ Holly held a piece of satsuma up to the light to examine it.

It was nice sitting there, sipping tea. Mikey felt as if he hadn’t done something so simple for months. Holly fiddled about with the pips, Karyn turned pages, Mum ate a biscuit. Was that all it took to feel better about yourself – an apology? He still had no way of telling Karyn the things he felt, but it didn’t seem to matter so much now. Maybe if he just sat there with her, she’d know it anyway. And maybe, later, the right words would come.

‘Hey,’ Mum said after a while, ‘I know what I didn’t tell you, Mikey. You remember that social worker who came round when no one was here?’

Holly frowned. ‘Me and Karyn were here. I opened the door and everyone told me off.’

Mikey reached out and stroked her back. ‘What about her?’

‘She’s got Holly a place in an after-school club.’

‘I’m going to do football and street dancing,’ Holly told him.

‘At the same time?’

‘No, silly. And when it’s raining I’m going to make puppets.’

Karyn twisted round to look at Mikey. ‘And I’m getting a computer.’

Mikey was tempted to ask what he was going to get, but managed to keep his mouth shut.

‘It’s from a charity,’ Mum told him. ‘They give old ones a service and hand them out again, good as new. The social worker reckons we might get a desk for the girls’ room as well – I just have to write a letter and say why we need it.’

Mikey laughed. ‘Remember when you got that paint for Holly?’

‘For me?’ Holly’s whole face gleamed. ‘What paint? When?’

‘You were just born,’ Mikey told her, ‘and the council said Mum could have a budget to paint the bedroom, but they said the paint had to be white and she wanted yellow.’

Mum laughed out loud. ‘Yellow and blue. I stood in that office and told them I wasn’t leaving until they agreed. It was a ridiculous policy – everyone having white walls – what rubbish. I said, why should my kids have to stare at four plain walls, when they can have the colour of sunshine and sky in their rooms?’

Holly plonked herself on her mother’s lap and gave her a hug that was so brand new and abandoned that Mikey wanted one for himself. Karyn shot him a shy smile over their heads and he felt a rush of something for them all – love? Shame? He actually felt like he might cry. It was crazy – the four of them having an OK time together for once, and here he was, choking up.

‘Uh-oh,’ Mum said, ‘here comes trouble.’

Mikey peered over the balcony, glad of a distraction. Jacko was pulling up in his car, reversing into a space over by the bins.

‘He’ll get clamped there,’ Mum said. ‘Run and tell him, Holly. Tell him they’ve clamped three cars down there today.’

‘I’ll go,’ Karyn said. ‘I could do with a walk.’

She slipped on her sandals and the three of them watched as she got up from the deckchair and walked slowly, as if walking was a new thing, along the balcony to the lift door. When she pressed the button, Holly scrambled after her and took her hand. When the lift came they stepped in together.

Mum got herself a new cigarette and offered Mikey one. Their eyes met across the lighter.

‘So,’ he said, ‘she’s outside then.’

‘Ever since Gillian left.’

‘Amazing.’

‘She’s invited her mates over later as well. I think something very important happened when your friend swapped sides.’

‘Swapped sides?’

Mum shrugged. ‘You know what I mean.’

They looked down at Karyn together. She was leaning into the car window, talking to Jacko. Holly was walking across to the boy with the ball.

Mum said, ‘Have you spoken to your friend today?’

‘She rang me from a phonebox when she got out of the police station.’

‘Is she OK?’

‘Not really. Her brother’s not allowed to live in the same house now she’s a witness for the police.’

‘You’re worried about her?’

‘She says her dad’s going to go crazy when he finds out. She was going to a cafe with her mum to work out how to tell him.’

‘At least she’s got her mum with her.’

‘I suppose.’

Though Mikey wasn’t sure that skinny woman he’d met all those weeks ago would be any help. He took a long drag of his cigarette and exhaled slowly. Ellie had had a weird calm about her on the phone, and when she’d said goodbye, she’d made it sound like for ever. Never before had he been so hungry for someone – never so specifically, so desperately. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw her, her arms spread above her head, her legs wrapping him warm.

He wiped his face with his sleeve and took another puff on his cigarette.

His mum was staring at him.

‘What?’

‘If you hadn’t got to know this girl, Karyn wouldn’t be outside today. You think about that.’

‘You’re saying me knowing Ellie is a good thing?’

‘I’m saying you tried to help your sister and that’s a good thing. I’m not sure any of us would have done any different if we’d been in your little friend’s shoes.’

‘Yeah, well I don’t think Karyn sees it like that.’

‘Give her time.’