You Against Me

‘Anyway,’ Mum said, ‘he’s getting his last few things together up there, so I’ll make him some sandwiches in a minute and he can eat them in the car. I don’t want them saying we sent him away hungry.’

‘Mum?’

‘Perhaps I should pack him some snacks for later, some crisps and things. Then it would be like he was going on a sleepover.’ She smiled as if she didn’t really believe it. ‘I spoke to Ben’s mother on the phone – did I tell you? She was very reassuring. She’s a nice woman actually, I thought that when I met her at the party – we were chatting most of the night. Anyway, Dad’s going to give them money, so they won’t be out of pocket. It helps that they live out of town, I suppose, makes it less daunting for them. Your father thinks there may be media attention when the court case starts, and I’d hate them to feel awkward.’

‘Mum, are you OK?’

She took a breath in and held it, blinked several times. ‘You know, I can’t help thinking that if we’d stayed in London, this wouldn’t’ve happened.’

Ellie passed her a tissue and watched silently as she dabbed at her face.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get upset.’ She leaned forward, gripping her stomach as if it hurt. ‘He seemed so vulnerable up there, packing his things away. I looked at him and I thought, How could he harm anyone? He’s just a boy.’ She stared at the carpet, at her feet, still in her gardening shoes from earlier. Scuffed old familiar garden shoes. ‘I still remember his first steps, his first words, all of it.’

Ellie passed her another tissue. ‘Here.’

‘He had such beautiful golden curls. You won’t remember of course, you weren’t born, but they were stunning.’ She wiped her face roughly with the tissue. ‘Oh God, I want to be stronger than this. I don’t want him to see me like this when he comes down.’ She turned to Ellie suddenly, as if seeing her for the first time. ‘I know you love him and I know you wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t have to, but he’s not a monster, Ellie. I don’t want anyone thinking that.’

‘I know.’

‘He’s just a scared little boy. He’s my scared little boy.’

Ellie nodded very slowly. ‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to him either.’

‘I know you don’t.’

‘Maybe I handled this all wrong, but what I said in the police station was true. It is what I saw, Mum, it truly is.’

She nodded, patted Ellie’s hand again. ‘Well, that’s all right then.’

Dad marched back in. ‘I’m going to start packing the car.’

‘You do that,’ Mum said, smiling through tears at him. ‘I’ll go and make some sandwiches.’

He frowned at her, but she went off to the kitchen before he could say anything, so he frowned at Ellie instead.

‘You should go to your room,’ he told her. ‘You shouldn’t be here when Tom comes down.’

‘Can’t I say goodbye?’

‘No, you’re a witness for the police. If your brother so much as speaks a word to you, you could twist it and say he tried to pressurize you. He’d have his bail revoked and be back in jail quicker than I could spit.’

‘I wouldn’t do that.’

‘Wouldn’t you? I don’t know what you’re capable of any more.’

She crept up the stairs, holding on tight to the banister. Across the landing, Tom’s door was shut. She went to the bathroom and rinsed her face, dried it at the mirror. It was the first time she’d seen herself for hours. She looked tired and older. She rubbed her face to check she was real. Yes, she was Ellie Parker, the girl who betrayed her family.

Maybe Dad was right and she was capable of anything.

She didn’t knock, simply opened Tom’s bedroom door and went in. He was sprawled on the bed, sorting through stuff in a shoebox; photos and bits of paper were scattered all over the duvet. There was a new darkness in his eyes, like something inside him had broken and spilled.

‘Shut the door,’ he said.

She stood with her back against it and watched him sift through photos. He glanced at several quickly, stopped at one and examined it thoroughly before passing it to her. ‘Remember this?’

It was the four of them in Austria on a skiing holiday. Ellie was about ten, wearing the whole outfit – salopettes, goggles, everything. Tom was next to her. Both of them had massive grins on their faces.

‘It was Christmas Eve,’ he said, ‘and the hotel was laying on a visit from Santa – sleigh ride, reindeer, the works. You remember?’

She nodded, passed it back. He put it on top of the suitcase, picked up a fresh handful from the box and shuffled through them.

‘I didn’t do it to hurt you,’ she said.

He passed her another photo. ‘You on a farm. That horse stood on your foot.’

It was winter again – different country, different year. She was twelve and the horse had broken three of her toes. She barely glanced at it, didn’t take it from him. She had to get through this; she was determined.

‘I had to say what really happened. I couldn’t hold it in any more.’

‘Evidently.’

‘Please say it’s OK.’

‘You want me to say I don’t mind?’ His voice was low, hardly more than a whisper. ‘How do you want me to answer?’

‘I want you to say you understand.’

He stood up, walked over to the window and opened the curtains an inch to look out. ‘You know Dad’s going to hire some top-quality barrister and make you look like a liar.’

‘He told me.’

‘I bet he did.’ He turned from the window and looked at her in such a soft and terrible way that she barely recognized him. ‘The barrister will ask you really personal stuff. He’ll want to know everything you did with Karyn’s brother and every word that passed between you. He’ll say her brother threatened you, and if you say he didn’t, the barrister will say he seduced you and you’re completely gullible. And if you say that’s not how it was either, then you’ll leave him no option but to make out you’re a slut and a liar.’

‘Dad said that too.’

He shook his head. ‘I don’t want them to do that to you.’

‘Then don’t let them.’

‘There’s only one way to stop them though, isn’t there?’

She nodded.

He watched her steadily for a second, as if he was weighing it up. ‘I’m not brave enough.’

She went over and hugged him. He smelled of cigarettes and her arms reached all the way round. She closed her eyes and held him, and eventually he put his arms round her too.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

She held him closer. ‘It’s OK. Whatever you do, I’ll always love you.’

The rough brush of his skin on her cheek was shocking as he buried himself in her shoulder and a great sob welled up from deep inside him.

‘I’m scared,’ he said. ‘I’m really fucking scared!’

She held him closer as he cried, huge sobs racking through him, like a child. She was crying too now, to be with him like this. She stroked his back. They stood swaying together. Her brother, her beautiful crying brother.

The door opened. ‘What the hell’s going on?’

Tom pulled away, wiped his hands quickly over his face. ‘Nothing. We’re saying goodbye.’

Dad strode across the room. ‘What have you done to him? What did I tell you about coming in here?’ He gripped Tom’s shoulders and made him look at him. ‘You have to be stronger than this.’

Tom winced under his scrutiny. ‘I can’t do it to her, Dad.’

‘You can. You have to.’

He shook his head. ‘You said yourself, it’ll be terrible. You said they’ll break her apart.’

‘Nonsense, it won’t be like that at all.’

‘You said they’ll make her stand in front of everyone and ask her really personal questions.’