“Oh, that’s all right,” he commented, “but we’d better look out. If he sees us he’ll be as sore as the devil.”
This system worked well enough for a time, and for days I was getting all the potato I wanted and congratulating myself on my skill, when one day as I was slyly forking potatoes out of his dish, moved helpfully in my direction, I saw Culhane approaching and feared that our trick had been discovered. It had. Perhaps some snaky waitress has told on us, or he had seen us, even from his table.
“Now I know what’s going on here at this table,” he growled savagely, “and I want you two to cut it out. This big boob here” (he was referring to my esteemed self) “who hasn’t strength of will or character enough to keep himself in good health and has to be brought up here by his brother, hasn’t brains enough to see that when I plan a thing for his benefit it is for his benefit, and not mine. Like most of the other damned fools that come up here and waste their money and my time, he thinks I’m playing some cute game with him—tag or something that will let him show how much cuter he is than I am. And he’s supposed to be a writer and have a little horse-sense! His brother claims it, anyhow. And as for this other simp here,” and now he was addressing the assembled diners while nodding toward my friend, “it hasn’t been three weeks since he was begging to know what I could do for him. And now look at him—entering into a petty little game of potato-cheating!
“I swear,” he went on savagely, talking to the room in general, “sometimes I don’t know what to do with such damned fools. The right thing would be to set these two, and about fifty others in this place, out on the main road with their trunks and let them go to hell. They don’t deserve the attention of a conscientious man. I prohibit gambling—what happens? A lot of nincompoops and mental lightweights with more money than brains sneak off into a field of an afternoon on the excuse that they are going for a walk, and then sit down and lose or win a bucket of money just to show off what hells of fellows they are, what sports, what big ‘I ams.’ I prohibit cigarette-smoking, not because I think it’s literally going to kill anybody but because I think it looks bad here, sets a bad example to a lot of young wasters who come here and who ought to be broken of the vice, and besides, because I don’t like cigarette-smoking here—don’t want it and won’t have it. What happens? A lot of sissies and mamma’s boys and pet heirs, whose fathers haven’t got enough brains to cut ‘em off and make ‘em get out and work, come up here, sneak in cigarettes or get the servants to, and then hide out behind the barn or a tree down in the lot and sneak and smoke like a lot of cheap schoolboys. God, it makes me sick! What’s the use of a man working out a fact during a lifetime and letting other people have the benefit of it—not because he needs their money, but that they need his help—if all the time he is going to have such cattle to deal with? Not one out of twenty or forty men that come here really wants me to help him or to help himself. What he wants is to have some one drive him in the way he ought to go, kick him into it, instead of his buckling down and helping himself. What’s the good of bothering with such damned fools? A man ought to take the whole pack and run ‘em off the place with a dog-whip.” He waved his hand in the air. “It’s sickening. It’s impossible.
“As for you two,” he added, turning to us, but suddenly stopped. “Hell, what’s the use! Why should I bother with you? Do as you damned well please, and stay sick or die!”
He turned on his heel and walked out of the dining-room, leaving us to sit there. I was so dumbfounded by the harangue our pseudo-cleverness had released that I could scarcely speak. My appetite was gone and I felt wretched. To think of having been the cause of this unnecessary tongue-lashing to the others! And I felt that we were, and justly, the target for their rather censorious eyes.
“My God!” moaned my companion most dolefully. “That’s always the way with me. Nothing that I ever do comes out right. All my life I’ve been unlucky. My mother died when I was seven, and my father’s never had any use for me. I started in three or four businesses four or five years ago, but none of them ever came out right. My yacht burned last summer, and I’ve had neurasthenia for two years.” He catalogued a list of ills that would have done honor to Job himself, and he was worth nine millions, so I heard!
Two or three additional and amusing incidents, and I am done.
One of the most outre things in connection with our rides about the countryside was Culhane’s attitude toward life and the natives and passing strangers as representing life. Thus one day, as I recall very well, we were riding along a backwoods country road, very shadowy and branch-covered, a great company of us four abreast, when suddenly and after his very military fashion there came a “Halt! Right by fours! Right dress! Face!” and presently we were all lined up in a row facing a greensward which had suddenly been revealed to the left and on which, and before a small plumber’s stove standing outside some gentleman’s stable, was stretched a plumber and his helper. The former, a man of perhaps thirty-five, the latter a lad of, say, fourteen or fifteen, were both very grimy and dirty, but taking their ease in the morning sun, a little pot of lead on the stove being waited for, I presume, that it might boil.
Culhane, leaving his place at the head of the column, returned to the center nearest the plumber and his helper and pointing at them and addressing us in a very clear voice, said:
“There you have it. There’s American labor for you, at its best—union labor, the poor, downtrodden workingman. Look at him.” We all looked. “This poor hard-working plumber here,” and at that the latter stirred and sat up, scarcely even now grasping what it was all about, so suddenly had we descended upon him, “earns or demands sixty cents an hour, and this poor sweating little helper here has to have forty. They’re working now. They’re waiting for that little bit of lead to boil, at a dollar an hour between them. They can’t do a thing, either of ‘em, until it does, and lead has to be well done, you know, before it can be used.
“Well, now, these two here,” he continued, suddenly shifting his tone from one of light sarcasm to a kind of savage contempt, “imagine they are getting along, making life a lot better for themselves, when they lie about this way and swindle another man out of his honest due in connection with the work he is paying for. He can’t help himself. He can’t know everything. If he did he’d probably find what’s wrong in there and fix it himself in three minutes. But if he did that and the union heard of it they’d boycott him. They’d come around and blackmail him, blow up his barn, or make him pay for the work he did himself. I know ‘em. I have to deal with ‘em. They fix my pipes in the same way that these two are fixing his—lying on the grass at a dollar an hour. And they want five dollars a pound for every bit of lead they use. If they forget anything and have to go back to town for it, you pay for it, at a dollar an hour. They get on the job at nine and quit at four, in the country. If you say anything, they quit altogether—they’re
The plumber and his assistant, fully awake now to the import of what had occurred, stared after us. The journeyman plumber, who was short and fat, sat and blinked. At last he recovered his wits sufficiently to cry, “Aw, go to hell, you ---- ---- ----!” but by that time we were well along the road and I am not sure that Culhane even heard.
Another day as we were riding along a road which led into a nearby city of, say, twenty thousand, we encountered a beer truck of great size and on its seat so large and ruddy and obese a German as one might go a long way and still not see. It was very hot. The German was drowsy and taking his time in the matter of driving. As we drew near, Culhane suddenly called a halt and, lining us up as was his rule, called to the horses of the brewery wagon, who also obeyed his lusty “Whoa!” The driver, from his high perch above, stared down on us with mingled
