who had taken her name and her heart.
Because he was so much older than her, she had feared that their time together must end this way, with him dying before her.
It seemed that would be the case.
“Are you in pain, love?” she asked, stroking his balding head, a few strands of gray-white hair clinging stubbornly to the crown. He shook his head without speaking-talking seemed to exhaust him. His breath was too fast and too shallow, almost a panting, as if clinging to life required all the effort he could muster. “No? That’s good. I have the healer’s brew right here if that changes. She said that a few sips would take away any pain and let you sleep. Just let me know if you need it-and don’t you dare try to be brave and ignore it.”
Varina smiled at him, stroking his sunken, stubbled cheek. She turned away because the tears threatened her again. She sniffed, taking in a long breath that shuddered with the ghost of the sobs that racked her when she was away from him, when she allowed the grief and emotions to take her. She brushed at her eyes with the sleeve of her tashta and turned back to him, the smile fixed again on her face. “The Kraljica sent over a letter, saying how much she missed us at the Gschnas last night. She said that her entrance went better than she could have wished, and that the globes I enchanted for her worked perfectly. And, oh, I forgot to tell you-a letter also came today from your son Colin. He says that your great-daughter Katerina is getting married next month, and that he wishes… he wishes you…” She stopped. Karl would not be going to the wedding. “Anyway, I’ve written back to him, and told him that you’re not… you’re not well enough to travel to Paeti right now.”
Karl stared at her. That was all he could do now. Stare. His skin was stretched tautly over the skull of his face, the eyes sunken into deep, black hollows; Varina wondered if he even saw her, if he noticed how old she’d become as well, how her studies of the Tehuantin magic had taken a terrible physical toll on her. Karl ate almost nothing-it was all she could do to get warm broth down his throat. He had difficulty swallowing even that. The healer only shook her head on her daily visits. “I’m sorry, Councillor ca’Pallo,” she said to Varina. “But the Ambassador is beyond any skill I have. He’s lived a good life, he has, and it’s been longer than most. You have to be ready to let him go.”
But she wasn’t ready. She wasn’t certain she would ever be, could ever be. After all the years she’d wanted to be with him, after all those years when his love for Ana ca’Seranta had blinded him to her, she was to be with him only for so short a time? Less than two decades? When he was gone, there’d be nothing left of him. Karl and Varina had no children of their own; despite being twelve years younger than Karl, she’d been unable to conceive with him. There’d been a miscarriage in their first year, then nothing, and her own monthly bleeding had ended five years ago now. There were times, in the last several weeks, when she’d envied those who could pray to Cenzi for a boon, a gift, a miracle. As a Numetodo, as a nonbeliever, she had no such solace herself; her world was bereft of gods who could grant favors. She could only hold Karl’s hand and gaze at him and hope.
You have to be ready to let him go…
She took his hand, pressed it in her fingers. It was like holding a skeleton’s hand; there was no returning pressure, his flesh was cold, and his skin felt as dry as brown parchment. “I love you,” she told him. “I always loved you; I will always love you.”
He didn’t answer, though she thought she saw his dry, cracked lips open slightly and then close again. Perhaps he thought he was responding. She reached for the cloth in the basin alongside his bed, dipped it in the water, and dabbed at his lips.
“I’ve been working with a device to use the black sand again. Look-” She showed him a long cut along her left arm, still scabbed with dried blood. “I wasn’t as careful as I should have been. But I think I may have really stumbled upon something this time. I’ve made changes to the design and I’m having Pierre make the modifications for me from my drawings…”
She could imagine how he might answer. “There’s a price to pay for knowledge,” he’d told her, often enough. “But you can’t stop knowledge: it wants to be born, and it will force its way into the world no matter what you do. You can’t hold back knowledge, no matter what those of the Faith might say…”
Downstairs, she could hear the kitchen staff beginning to prepare dinner: a laugh, a clattering of pans, the faint chatter of conversation, but here in the sickroom the air was hot and still. She talked to Karl mostly because the quiet seemed so depressing. She talked mostly because she was afraid of silence.
“I spoke to Sergei this morning, too. He said that he’ll stop by tomorrow night, before he goes off to Brezno,” she said in a falsely cheery voice. “He insists that if you won’t join him at the table for dinner, he’s going to come up here and bring you down himself. ‘What good is Numetodo magic if you can’t get rid of a little minor illness?’ he said. He also suggested that the sea air in Karnmor might do you some good. I might see if we could take a villa there next month. He said that the Gschnas was ever so nice, though he mentioned that Stor ca’Vikej’s son has come to the city, and he didn’t like the way that Kraljica Allesandra paid attention to him…”
She realized that the room was too still, that she hadn’t heard Karl take a breath for some time. He was still staring at her, but his gaze had gone empty and dull. She felt her stomach muscles clench. She took in a breath that was halfsob. “Karl…?” She watched his chest, willing it to move, listening for the sound of air moving through his nostrils. Was his hand colder? She felt for his pulse, searching for the fluttering underneath her fingertips and imagining she felt it.
“Karl…?”
The room was silent except for the distant clamor of the servants and the chirping of birds in the trees outside and the faint sounds of the city beyond the walls of their villa. She felt pressure rising in her chest, a wave that broke free from her and turned into a wail that sounded as if it were ripped from someone else’s throat.
She heard the servants running up the stairs, heard them stop at the door. The sound of her grief echoed in her ears. She was still holding Karl’s hand. Now she let it drop lifeless back to the sheet. She reached out and brushed his eyelids closed, her fingertips trembling.
“He’s gone,” she said: to the servants, to the world, to herself.
The words seemed impossible. Unbelievable. She wanted to take them back and smash them so they could never be spoken again.
But she had said them, and they could not be revoked.
Sergei ca’Rudka
The Bastida A’Drago stank of ancient molds and mildew, of piss and black fecal matter, of fear and pain and terror. Sergei loved that scent. The odors soothed him, caressed him, and he inhaled deeply through the nostrils of his cold, silver nose.
“Good morning, Ambassador ca’Rudka.” Ari ce’Denis, Capitaine of the Bastida, greeted Sergei from the open doorway of his office as Sergei shuffled through the gates. He moved slowly, as he always did now, his knees aching with every step, wishing he hadn’t decided to leave his cane in the carriage. Sergei held up a piece of paper in his right hand toward ce’Denis. Under his left arm was tucked a long roll of leather.
“Good?” Sergei asked. “Not so much, I’m afraid.” He could hear his age in his voice, also: that unstoppable tremor and quaver.
“Ah, yes,” the Capitaine said. “Ambassador ca’Pallo’s death. I’m sorry; I know he was a good friend of yours.”
Sergei grimaced. His head ached with the worries that assailed him: the deteriorating relationship between the Holdings and the Firenzcian Coalition over the last few years; the Kraljica’s cold reception to his suggestion to repair that rift finally and completely; the rising presence of Nico Morel and his followers in the city; even the way that Erik ca’Vikej had dominated the Kraljica’s attention during the Gschnas…
Poor Karl’s death had merely been a final blow. That had been a reminder of his own mortality, that soon enough Sergei would have to face the soul-weighers and see what his own life had come to. He was afraid of that day. He was afraid he knew how heavy his soul would be with his sins.
“It’s Ambassador ca’Pallo’s death, yes,” Sergei answered, holding up the paper again as he approached the Capitaine. “Certainly. But it’s also this. Have you seen it?”
Ce’Denis peered myopically at the paper. “I noticed some of these posted around the Avi on my way in this morning, yes. But I’m afraid I’m a plain man of battle, Ambassador. I don’t have the skills of letters, as you
