“‘I attack that which he is obliged to rescue.’”
Everything started to fall into place.
“He knew something was wrong,” I said. “That’s why he was so panicky when he called me at the hospital and was making all those threats—
“Unfortunately, I can’t take that risk.”
The words poured out. “There’s no risk. I’m not going to tell anyone. You made a mistake — but you were just trying to catch John. Even if someone did find out, you wouldn’t be in that much trouble—”
“I didn’t make a mistake.” He looked as calm as ever. “I shot someone, Sara — that’s attempted murder. I’d go to jail for a very long time. But that’s not going to happen.”
The way he said it terrified me. He wasn’t scared or panicked, much less desperate. He sounded confident.
My body started to shake. “What — what are you going to do, Billy? You can’t shoot me. Ally’s upstairs and —”
He held his fingers up to his lips. “I have to think.”
I shut up. He stared at me. His eyes were dark. The kitchen clock ticked.
I started to cry. “Billy, please, you’re my friend. How can—”
“I like you, Sara, but ‘the wise leader always blends consideration of gain and harm.’ There’s no gain in letting you live. But there’s great harm.”
“No, I
He held up a hand. “I’ve got it. I’m not going to do anything.” My heart lifted for a moment, but then his eyes met mine and he said, “You are.”
My vision blurred as my blood roared in my ears. For a moment the room spun and I gripped the counter behind me. My head pulsed, but I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t think.
He said, “We’re going upstairs to get those pills your shrink prescribed, then you’re going to take all of them and write a suicide note.”
“Billy, this is crazy! How can you do this? What about Ally?”
“She’ll be fine if you do everything I tell you.”
“You can’t make me write—”
“Do you love your daughter, Sara?” His eyes were resolute. I didn’t know if he’d actually hurt Ally, but I didn’t want to find out.
“I’ll do it, I just—”
He motioned with the gun. “Let’s go.”
“Can we just talk about this for a—”
He gripped my arm hard and pulled me away from the counter. Then, with the gun pressed against my lower back, he urged me upstairs. With each step my mind tried to formulate a plan, but all I could think was,
“Where are your pills, Sara?”
“In the — in the bathroom.” This was really happening, I was going to die.
“Open the medicine cabinet and take out the pills, but nothing else.” I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were huge, my face pale. I opened the cabinet and took out the bottle.
“Fill up that glass with water.” Billy motioned to the glass I’d left on the counter earlier. “Hurry up.”
I turned on the tap.
“Billy,
His voice deepened. “Take them.”
I emptied the bottle into my shaking hand and stared at the small white tablets. The glass was cold in my other hand.
Billy said, “If you don’t swallow them, I’ll have to shoot you. Ally will hear, then she’ll come to—”
I pushed the pills into my mouth, choking on the chalky, bitter taste. I held the cold glass to my lips and took a swallow of water, then another as pills lodged in my throat, the bitter taste traveling up the back of my nose.
“Those ones too.” He pointed the gun at a small bottle of Percocet I keep for migraines.
When I was done he nodded and said, “Now we have to mess up your bed.”
“But I don’t—”
“You were trying to go to sleep, but you were so depressed you decided to end everything once and for all.”
With the gun still pointed at my back, I tugged the blanket free.
“Now strip.”
“Billy, you don’t want to do this.”
He raised the gun and pointed it at me. “Right, I don’t. But no way in hell I’m going to jail.”
The books said to fight. But they didn’t say what to do if the threat was a cop. And they didn’t say what to do if your daughter was in the other room. I pictured Ally skipping in to wake me in the morning, climbing into bed next to my cold body.
I pulled my sweater over my head. He motioned with the gun to my pants. I unzipped them and tugged them off, leaving them on the floor.
I stood before him in my panties and bra. He was looking around the room, at the bed, at the door. Like he was making sure the scene was right.
He stepped closer until his huge body was directly in front of me.
“Take off your bra.” After my bra fell to the ground, I crossed my arms over my breasts. My whole upper body was shaking.
“Drop your arms.”
“Billy,
“If you don’t, I’ll have to do it myself.”
I dropped my arms.
“Now take off your panties.”
Tears streaked my face as I peeled them off. I choked back a sob.
“Are you going to rape me?” I thought of Ally in the next room. I couldn’t scream, no matter what he did to me I couldn’t scream. “It doesn’t have to be this way. I’ll sleep with you and—”
“I’m not going to
My temper reared but I held it in.
He motioned to the dresser. “Put on your pajamas.”
I took out one of Evan’s T-shirts — one he knows I hate — and a pair of his boxers, which I never wear, hoping he would notice these details after I was dead. I put them on.
“Now we’re going to get some paper for your suicide note.”
After I found a pen and a pad of paper in my office, we headed downstairs. Once we were in the kitchen, he gestured to a half-empty bottle of Shiraz on the counter.
“Take that and sit at the table.”
I sat and stared at him.
“Drink some straight from the bottle.”
I took a swill.
He said, “Again.”
I did it, gagging on the last mouthful. Some spilled on my T-shirt. I thought about the lethal concoction already spreading through my veins, wondered how long it would take to stop my heart. Billy looked around the
