all.
'Sony Doc, I gave my last bit of discretionary income to the Sisters of St. Jude. They run a halfway house for runaway girls. Try me in a month or so.'
'It'll be too late you dummy. You know you're the stupidest Jew I've ever known?'
'You know you're the pushiest gentile I've ever known? And if there's one thing I cannot stand it's a pushy gentile-'
'Don't worry, Moe, you're in the syndicate.'
Mary and I decided to cough up ten percent of our claim, which would, be the lion's share, to Moe. It soothed our consciences-made us feel a little less like outright thieves.
We sat in our living room and passed around the pictures. Everybody drooled and licked their lips. Especially DeGroot. If he could ever love anything even a tenth as much as he loves money, it hasn't been invented or discovered yet. The members of the syndicate were to split the proceeds of the treasure sale in portions and shares according to their contributions. As Chief Treasure Finder I reserved the right to invest, and claim, fifty percent in the Adams family's name. The name of the syndicate was coined by Mary: Golddiggers of Seventy-nine.
We all thought it was cute. But then we were going to be filthy rich; we would have thought a hammerhead shark was cute.
We decided that Jim DeGroot would be the buyer. My involvement, or even Joe's, would tip off everyone that the house had an unexpected attraction. Jim made his initial contact with the realtor and phoned us.
'Old man Kincaid made a codicil in his will before he arranged to disappear,' he said. 'As Laura told you, he left at the house to the Wheel-Lock Corporation, not to her. I betcha she and Schilling were surprised, and not too pleased, about that development, The board of directors of Wheel-Lock has decided to offer the house. for sale, as we know. However, they must meet and decide if the buyer is a good bet. Then they'll affix their OK to the buy and sell agreement?
'Sounds OK. Just hang in there and wave that cash around. We're waiting on pins and needles.'
The only absent member of the syndicate was Moe. While I he wished the operation luck and success, he told me over the phone that the thought of money bored him.
'It's what you can do with it that's exciting, Doc. If I make anything let me know and I'll tell you where to send the check.'
But Jim DeGroot returned to the domicile in bad spirits, and asked for large quantity of same.
'I can't believe it,' he said, cradling his big paw around the frigid glass.
'Well what?'
'I just can't goddamn believe it.
'Well what?'
'The Hare Krishna.'
'Yeah. The Hare Krishna what?'
'The goddamn, bald-headed, dip-shit Hare Krishna have bought the Kincaid place!'
'I can't believe it,' we said in unison. 'I just can't believe it.'
And we couldn't.
'Know what they did? They put down two hundred thou in cold cash. A registered bank check from the Merchant's National. Cold cash.'
'Jesus. All those shopping center handouts. All those flowers at Logan Airport… all that drum beating and chanting on the Common.'
'I can't believe it,' wailed Mary and Janet.
'The board of directors of Wheel-Lock met this rnorning. They are going to sell the company to an Arab consortium-'
'The Decline of the West…' I intoned.
'-and they looked at the offers the realtor presented to them. Ours was fine… but the Hare Kristna's was a good deal better.'
'I can't stand it,' said Joe.
There was a glum silence. I told the would-be syndicate to follow me. We arrived in my small, book-lined study in a few moments' time. I turned on the double brass student lamp.
'Do not despair, friends,' I began.
'Can I have another drink?' asked Joe.
'… because as I look around me at the warm faces of friends and loved ones-'
'Are you going to the bar? Make mine a double, OK?'
'-I seem to see a new ray of hope.'
'I'm gonna throw up.'
'Mary, would you please remove that big green book from the shelf behind you?'
'Which one, Charlie?' '
'The Golden Bough, of course.'
She removed the tome.
'Now stick your hand in behind the space.'
She drew out a weighty hunk of Au. I directed her to place it on my desk, where we could all gaze at it.
Joe was indignant.
'Dammit, Charlie, I searched you after you'd sealed the place up, remember? It was a joke at the time… actually, you suggested it. I frisked you. You were clean.'
I fondled the little darling on my leather-topped desk. I patted it… massaged it.
'I wanted you to search me, to determine I was absolutely free of any illegal metal. What you didn't know, my friend, is that I pulled a little prestidigitation while you were upstairs.'
'I'm told that can cause blindness,' said Janice.
'What happened?' asked Mary.
'When Joe went upstairs, and out, to clear his dizzy head, I slipped one of the ingots out of the tunnel and placed it in the cellar hallway right near the wall. When Joe came back after I'd cranked the doorway shut, I insisted he search me to make sure the treasure within was intact. But on the way back upstairs I accidentally-on-purpose stumbled, fell in the darkness, and slipped the piece of bullion into my coat. Limping on the way out helped disguise the fact that it is pretty damn heavy.'
'Why, since you made such a big stink about being strictly legal?'
'Because I wanted to be legal. But just in case some unforeseen event, like a bunch of Hare Krishnas buying the place right out from under our noses, occurred, I would still have a piece of it.'
'Are we going to split this up?'? asked Joe, rubbing his hands.
'No. A big portion of the proceeds is going to Sarah Hart. We're all bitching and moaning because we're not millionaires. Don't forget there's a very nice lady with her only child killed.'
Nobody said a word.
'And don't forget poor Katherine Murdock,' said Joe softly.
'Uh huh. She's going to get a cut too, at least enough to help pay off Danny's debts. I'm sorry I can't do the same for the Heeney kid. I don't help killers.'
'Don't we get anything?' demanded DeGroot.
'Yeah. I figure we all deserve to split the remainder, whatever it is.'
But Tom Costello begged off, saying he'd done nothing to earn it.
'You lose any money by putting up your hunk?'
'Yeah some, but-'
'Whatever the loss was, we'll double it… fair enough everybody?'
They all agreed.
'The problem now is that Mary and I have prepared a victory banquet. To wit; roast rack of lamb, prawns in lemon and butter, Caesar salad, asparagus in hollandaise-'
'And so on. Would you care to stay'?'
And so we feasted heartily. Then, during the very middle of the meal, we all started laughing uncontrollably.
'Those goddamn shave heads,' giggled DeGroot, 'sitting there in that mansion eating raw spinach and
