months he had done what he could to win her forgiveness, but she had not been receptive. And his father had holed up in a one-room apartment in Gavle to get away from the shame that her boundless sorrow and disappointment had created. He took his clothes and one of the twin beds from the bedroom and disappeared.
Suddenly she was standing there in the kitchen doorway. She was wearing the flowered robe that he knew smelled so good, smelled of Mamma. And he had been filled with joy and thought that maybe, maybe she was ready to forgive him now. Now that it was his birthday and she was standing there in the kitchen doorway.
Nine words she had said.
Yvonne Palmgren shifted position in her chair once again. A couple of papers from her folder started to slip, and she caught them just as they were about to fall to the floor.
He lowered his gaze and went to sit with Anna again.
‘Why don’t you have any contact with your parents?’
‘Because I don’t feel like it.’
‘Doesn’t that ever make you feel empty?’
‘No.’
She cleared her throat and closed the folder in her lap.
‘I think that will be enough for now, but I would like to continue our conversation this afternoon.’
He shrugged his shoulders. It annoyed him that he was forced to do as they said. That he couldn’t just tell them all to go to hell.
‘Shall we say two o’clock?’
She got up and went over to the bed, looked at Anna and then at him, and moved towards the door.
‘I’ll see you then. Goodbye for now.’
He didn’t reply.
He saw the door close behind her and took Anna’s hand, placed it on his crotch, and closed his eyes.
Never in her life had she felt so alone.
He had slept on the sofa. Took his pillow and quilt and without saying a word he had left her with all the unanswered questions that she couldn’t bring herself to ask. His last words at the kitchen table had struck her dumb.
Anxiety like a cramp in her guts.
Why was he so angry? Where did his rage come from? What could she possibly have done to deserve being treated like this?
Alone in the double bed she was sorry that she had let Axel sleep over at her parents’ house. She would have given anything to have him here now, hear his breathing, reach out her hand and feel the warm back of his pyjamas.
At four o’clock she couldn’t stand it any more. With her face red and swollen and her eyes watering, she pulled on her robe and went out to the living room. It was still dark outside, but in the pale moonlight she could see that he was lying on his back with his arms behind his head. His knees a bit bent, the sofa too short to permit him to stretch out his legs. She wondered briefly why he didn’t go and sleep in Axel’s bed. A kid’s bed, of course, but surely better than the sofa.
She sat down in the armchair, at the very edge.
‘Are you asleep?’
He didn’t answer.
She pulled her robe tighter around her and shivered. The mullioned windows in the room needed to be puttied again. The electric heater couldn’t keep the room warm when most of the heat went straight out through the draughty cracks. It would be a time-consuming job, eight small panes in each window. Maybe they could hire someone and avoid wasting their time during their badly needed holiday. But maybe that was no longer so important.
She swallowed.
‘Henrik?’
Not a sound.
‘Henrik, dear, can’t we just talk a little? Can’t you explain to me what’s happening?’
He didn’t stir.
‘Can’t you at least explain why you’re so angry? What is it I’ve done?’
He turned over on his side and pulled up the covers. He must have heard from her voice that she had been sad, that she was still sad, but she realised that he was not going to answer even if he did hear her. He intended to shut her out and her questions as if she had never uttered them. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, trying to stifle the sound of desperation that was lodged like a scream in her throat, demanding to be released. A cornered animal whose every instinct was signalling her to fight, but she didn’t know what to defend herself against. For a good while she sat there, unable to get up, but finally she managed to persuade her legs to take her back to the empty double bed.
She had just lain down when she heard him go into the bathroom.
He left her alone.
She didn’t fall asleep until after five o’clock. At seven she woke up when the front door closed. She presumed he was going to collect Axel and take him to the day-care centre.
She lay there staring at the second-hand on her wristwatch, unable to move. Step by step it was leading her farther away from reason. How was she going to resolve this?
The sudden ring of the telephone made her gasp. The only reason she decided to pick it up was that it might be him.
‘Eva speaking.’
‘Hi, it’s me.’
‘Oh, hi Mamma.’
She lay back down.
‘How did it go yesterday?’
‘Oh, fine, thanks. Was it all right with Axel?’
‘Yes, but he woke up at half past one and was sad and absolutely wanted to ring you even though we told him it was much too late. We tried your mobiles but they were turned off, and your home phone kept giving a busy signal. Were you having a good time?’
Kept giving a busy signal?
‘Yes, it was very nice.’
Who had he called so late? Because she hadn’t heard the phone ring. And if he was on the line, the call waiting signals should still have gone through.
‘Pappa and I thought we’d ask if you two would like to come over for dinner on Sunday. I’ve got a moose steak left over from this autumn that I thought I’d do something with. I forgot to ask Henrik when he was here to fetch Axel, but you’re usually the one who takes care of the social calendar. By the way, Henrik is certainly slimmer. He must have lost a few kilos, eh?’
She sat up in bed again. It was suddenly hard to breathe.
‘Hello?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you still there?’
‘Yes.’
‘So what do you say to dinner on Sunday?’
Sunday? Dinner?
‘I don’t think we can make it. Listen, I have to run off to work now, I was just going out the door, I’ll ring you in a day or two.’
She hung up and sat there holding the receiver to her ear. How could she have been so blind? So damned gullible. Like in a magnetic puzzle, all the bits suddenly fell into place. Late meetings. A sudden conference trip to Aland with lecturers she didn’t know. Phonecalls abruptly terminated when she came in the door.
