Or standing back, rejecting him in her heart as well as her mind? He tried to thrust her away. This was his world and he must concentrate. But it was desolate without her, and the track ahead was still vague.
A yell. The moment had come. The five hanging lights went out, and they were off. From the corner of his eye he could see Gary, trying to edge ahead by the first bend. His rival was still in a sulphurous temper-something which once would have delighted him, for he liked nothing better than a challenge.
But now he was assailed by weariness and a crashing sense of failure. He took the first bend, managing to keep his lead. His mirror showed Gary falling in behind him, coming too close.
One lap, then two. All would be well if only he could pull himself together, but his head was pounding. There was Gary, coming up beside him, still too close.
It was true. Gary was trying to intimidate him. Jared moved, but he was too late. The cars collided and he felt himself swept up to a great height before turning over and over and landing with a crash that blotted out the world.
He was totally alone. All around him stretched a wilderness-bleak, empty of all human life.
Until this moment he hadn’t known what true isolation was, only that he hated it. Always he’d surrounded himself by people who talked and laughed, assured him that life was a reckless game. Now he was lost in the silence, and he was terrified.
Nothing had worked out as he’d expected. His plan had been to approach Kaye, claim Mike, then share the child with her. That way he would have a stake in the future without having to give too much of himself. He would win her confidence, set up a financial trust, then get to work on Mike, ensuring that the child’s loyalty would always be his.
He’d even toyed with the idea of marrying her as a way of securing his property, but he’d left that idea in limbo. Marriage would involve a degree of honesty and explanation that he’d rather do without. Better to wait and see how things worked out.
But their meeting had changed everything. Kaye was still partly the impish girl he remembered, yet now she was many other things, and a thousand times more enchanting. It might be her few extra years’ maturity, or perhaps the sadness of her experience, bearing a child without the father’s support, sacrificing her career. She must often have felt abandoned, but instead of making her bitter it had given her an edge-a sweet, ironic knowingness that had mystified and captivated him in equal measure.
It shamed him to recall how he’d toyed with the idea of a cold-blooded marriage. His reactions in life were as swift as in a race, and in almost no time he’d known he wanted her, body, heart and soul. Not just for Mike. For herself.
That was when he’d known he had real problems.
He’d known he must tell her everything, but with a cowardice he’d never suspected he’d put it off and put it off. Once he’d nearly made it, slipping his mother’s ring into his pocket in readiness. But then she’d begun to talk about more children and he’d backed off, vowing to find a more suitable time.
He’d been fooling himself. There would never be a good time, and by delaying he’d left her to hear it from another source-the worst thing that could have happened. Her chilly contempt had shattered him.
Suddenly he’d found himself facing a situation he didn’t know how to deal with-one he couldn’t talk his way out of or shunt aside by winning a race. Now his feelings were real and terrible, and he must confront them. If only he knew how.
There was only one person who might be able to show him the way, but she was the person he’d hurt most of all, and the freezing contempt with which she’d ordered him off had stunned him.
But now she seemed to be there with him, and what he saw in her eyes was not contempt, but heartbreak. For him she’d ventured out from behind her defences, daring to trust again and grow close because she loved him. He’d betrayed that trust and smashed her to the ground.
With all his heart he longed to seek her forgiveness and make things right, but that would never be possible. A man who couldn’t forgive himself had no right to ask forgiveness of the one he’d injured, and that was the burden he must carry from now on.
Now he almost hoped she wouldn’t be there when he opened his eyes.
But she was, sitting with her head buried in her hands as though engulfed by despair.
CHAPTER SIX
FOR an hour she’d sat by the bed, wanting to be the first thing Jared saw. Anger and bitterness had drained from her, obliterated by horror at his accident, for which she blamed herself. If only he would awake she would make it right, promise him a new start. All would still be well.
At last the strain overcame her and she buried her head in her hands. When she looked up he was watching her.
‘Jared,’ she whispered eagerly.
His gaze seemed to be fixed on her, but there was nothing in his eyes. She leaned forward, making sure he could see her.
‘Jared.’
‘Where am I?’
‘In a hospital near the racetrack. They brought you here, and it’s looking good. At least you’re back with us.’
‘I’ve had crashes before. No need to make a fuss. What happened to the race? Is it over?’
‘Yes, Gary won. He’s been here, doing the self-reproach thing for driving you off the track.’
‘He didn’t. I just lost concentration. No big deal.’
‘But it was my fault too. I know that. I’m so sorry.’
He looked blank. ‘About what?’
‘Last night. I should have calmed things down, and we could have talked later. If you knew how I blame myself for letting it turn into a row.’
‘Did we have a row?’ he asked, frowning.
‘Don’t you remember?’
‘All I remember about last night is an almighty headache.’ He closed his eyes. ‘And I’ve still got it.’
‘I’m here if you need me.’
He frowned. ‘Better if you get the plane home tonight, or Mike will worry. I’ll see you in England.’
His eyes closed. It was like the slamming of a door.
He didn’t want her, she realised. As for last night-had he really forgotten, or was that simply another way of rejecting her? It was natural for his memory to be clouded, but she was full of dread.
Knowing Mike would be watching the race in England, she’d called him
