earlier, trying to sound reassuring. Now she called him again with a cheerful tale of Jared’s recovery.
‘Is he coming home?’
‘Not tonight, but I’m coming.’
‘So he’s really, really all right?’
‘Yes, I promise you. I’d stay here if he wasn’t.’
And if he wanted me, she thought sadly.
Later that night, at home with the family, she watched the item on the news.
‘Luckily it’s not serious,’ the commentator declared, ‘and Jared Marriot is expected back tomorrow.’
‘Can we go to the airport?’ Mike asked eagerly.
‘No, darling. He’ll want to go straight home and rest.’
She was afraid he would argue, but perhaps some note of strain in her voice held him silent. He was a perceptive child.
For the next few days she had no direct contact with Jared. He called Mike, who would eagerly relate every conversation to her, and she had to be satisfied with that, plus what she heard from Mr Vanner at work. At last Jared texted her, asking her to come to his apartment that evening.
He greeted her with a kiss-not passionate like others they’d shared in the past, but a peck on the cheek.
‘We need to talk,’ he said quietly, sitting her down. ‘I wasn’t ready before. Thank you for being patient with me.’
‘Mr Vanner says you’re going to start driving again. Are you sure you’re well enough?’
‘Yes, I was only shaken up, and I’m over that.’
‘Jared, please can we forget the things we said that night? I can’t forgive myself for quarrelling with you and endangering you-’
‘But you didn’t,’ he said pleasantly ‘I crashed in the race because I got headachy and confused.’
He paused, and she had the sense that he was bracing himself for a great effort. She longed to tell him not to worry, that all would be well, but the words wouldn’t come. A barrier lay between them-partly her making, partly his.
‘We never really had a chance to discuss what you found out about me,’ he said at last. ‘It’s true. I’m sterile.’
‘But is that certain? Can they really be so sure after just one night?’
He grimaced. ‘The doctor tried to soften the blow a little. He said there was a minute chance that I might be able to father a child-’
‘How minute?’
‘Two or three percent. Even if that’s true-and frankly I don’t believe it-I’d be a fool to rely on it. Better to face reality now. For practical purposes, I’m dead. I should have told you at the start but I lost my nerve. I’m sorry about that, and I’m sorry you found out the way you did. I know that no words can make it right, but for what it’s worth I apologise.’
‘There’s no need. I reacted badly. I lost my temper and I shouldn’t have-’
‘Why not? What happened was my fault. I forced that scene on you, although you tried to avoid it.’
‘But-’
‘Please!’ He held up a hand to silence her, still keeping his distance. ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think,’ he said quietly. ‘That’s something I haven’t done much of in my life, but I see somethings clearly now. You can’t live as I have without hurting people. You were right in everything you said-’
‘Jared, please-’
‘No, let me finish before my courage runs out.’ He gave a bitter laugh. ‘I find I don’t have as much of that as I thought. Another discovery. Boy, I’m really learning things about myself. None of them pleasant.’
Kaye closed her eyes. It hurt her unbearably to hear him condemn himself. She could have saved him from this if she’d been a little kinder. Now she wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he wouldn’t let her. That hurt more than anything.
‘I should have been honest with you from the start,’ he continued. ‘I wasn’t, because I only thought of what I wanted. That’s the ugly truth. I wanted my son, as though it was only my decision and you had no rights. I treated you like a pawn in my plans. How’s that for arrogance? I never gave a thought to how much I could hurt you, but then I didn’t think I
He gave a faint, self-mocking laugh.
‘I’m not good at this empathy business-getting into other people’s heads and seeing how things look to them. But you’ve shown me how I look to you, and it isn’t nice. Don’t worry. I’m not going to bother you with any of that stuff again.’
‘Does that mean you’re leaving us?’ she asked in horror. ‘Going away from Mike?’
‘No, I still want to be his father, but I promise to leave you in peace. I’ll support you both, of course. The financial arrangements will stay in place, and the money will increase every year. All I ask is that you let me have some contact with him. Apart from that, I’ll keep my distance.’
‘Mike won’t like that at all,’ she said, her voice shaking. ‘He won’t want you to keep your distance-especially when he knows who you are.’
‘I hope we’ll grow close, but I want you to know that I’ll never take advantage of that. You’re the boss. You make the big decisions. I’ll fit in with whatever you say.’
‘Putting me in the driving seat?’ she said, trying desperately to lighten the mood. ‘That’s your place and yours alone, remember?’
‘Yeah, well, maybe a guy who keeps taking the wrong road shouldn’t be in the driving seat,’ he said wryly. Suddenly he covered his eyes with his hand, and spoke in a strained voice that might have been on the edge of tears. ‘Leave it, Kaye. There’s nothing more to say. I’ll make the arrangements and then get out of your way.’
With all her heart she longed to tell him that she loved him, beg him to give their love another chance. But was it love? Could she be sure? Was this perhaps his way of claiming his share of Mike without commitment? Would he welcome her love or regard it as a nuisance?
The struggle that lay ahead of her now demanded clever strategy. She must be as subtle as that great driver Jared Marriot on a winning streak. And then perhaps she too would crossing the finishing line first.
‘All right,’ she said calmly. ‘We’ll do it however you wish. But we have some decisions to take together. How and when are we going to tell Mike, and when can he come and see you race?’
There were seven races left, but only the next two were in Europe. The ones after that were at a huge distance, and taking Mike wouldn’t be practical.
‘As your son he’s entitled to the privilege,’ Kaye persisted. ‘It’ll mean the world to him. The Belgian Grand Prix is the best choice. It’s the last race before school starts.’
‘All right,’ he said uncertainly, as though her brisk tone had taken him by surprise. ‘You seem on top of everything. I’ll leave you to make the arrangements.’
She gathered her things, the very picture of an efficient administrator.
‘Then I’ll be going. I’m glad we got matters settled. It’ll be so much
