What had she done wrong?
She made her way to the front stairs and settled there. It was a perfect late-spring day. Birds flitted from tree to tree. Soft green grass sprouted from rich soil. Wildflowers dotted the ground.
She inhaled the sweet scents of new life. Tears were so close to the surface, but she forced them back. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t find an answer to the question of what she’d done wrong-and then she figured out why. She hadn’t done anything wrong. None of this was about her. She was willing to risk it all for love.
Not Zach. He wanted to hold everything inside, regardless of what it cost him now or in the future. He chose to walk away.
The rumble of an engine caught her attention. She glanced up and saw a Federal Express truck pulling up beside the Bronco. A uniformed young woman stepped out and carried over a flat package.
“How you doing?” the woman asked.
“Fine, thanks.” Jamie’s response was automatic. She didn’t think this stranger wanted to know how she was really feeling.
“I’ve got a package for Zach Jones.”
“I’ll sign for it.” Jamie stood up and started toward the woman. “He’s out running.”
“I saw him. He’s like a maniac, tearing down the mountain. I didn’t know he was there and I was scared I might hit him. He just ran on by, like he didn’t even see me.”
“He probably didn’t.” She signed on the line indicated, then took the package. The return address was a familiar one in Washington.
Had Winston found him, or had Zach called in the night? Probably the latter. Winston wouldn’t have known Zach was ready to return to work.
She waved at the woman as she turned her truck around. The sound of the engine faded, then there was only silence.
Jamie stared at the package. She knew what was inside. Information on Zach’s next assignment. Where would he go this time? Would his life be in danger? Would he make it? She wasn’t going to be around to rescue him again. He’d been in the field for nearly fourteen years. What if all his luck was used up? What if she never saw him alive again?
She sat there in the sunlight, trying to find answers. There weren’t any. She could only exist through the pain and wonder if she was going to die of a broken heart.
Finally Zach came jogging around the bend in the driveway. He was breathing hard and covered in sweat. She knew what he was going to tell her. He’d reached the highway. It was time for her to go.
He stopped in front of her, then bent over and braced his hands on his thighs. Sweat ran down his face and neck. His T-shirt clung to him in damp patches. She couldn’t bear to hear the words, so she spoke them for him.
“You made it,” she said.
He nodded, still unable to speak. Finally he straightened. “You don’t belong here,” he gasped, then turned and walked back and forth in front of the porch. “I don’t want or need you in my life.”
She watched him. Through the pain and sadness, some small spark flared to light. Anger. It temporarily stopped the bleeding and gave her courage.
“I almost believe you,” she said.
He glanced at her, obviously startled.
“You want me to crawl away broken and defeated, thinking I made a big fool out of myself,” she continued. “It’s not going to be that easy.”
Under his quickly darkening stare, her courage nearly faltered. She reminded herself this was for all the marbles. There wasn’t going to be a second chance. If she didn’t risk everything, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what could have been.
“I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what went wrong,” she said. “What I did that was so horrible. Then I realized it was you.”
“That’s convenient,” he growled. “Whatever works. You’ve had your say. Now go.”
“Not so fast. I’m not done.” She paused for effect. And because she was shaking. “You’re a coward.”
That got his attention. He raised his eyebrows. “Be careful,” he warned, his voice silky with danger.
“I’m not afraid,” she said. “You are. You are so terrified to feel even one emotion. You hide behind your work. You frighten people away. You won’t dare get involved with anyone who might actually want something from you, especially if what they want is for you to feel something. You only slipped up once, and that was with me. Seven years ago, you got involved, even though you knew it was going to have a price. You were so scared, you were willing to do anything to get rid of me. That’s why you made me choose.”
She took a step toward him. He stopped pacing and stared at her. “Damn you, Zach. You didn’t have the right. It wasn’t your place to play God with my life.”
“I did what I thought was best at the time.”
She swore. “Go sell it somewhere else. No one here believes that. You talk as if you handled the situation well. I’ve got some news. You didn’t. You were a complete jerk. You’re nothing but a faker. You think you’ve managed your life pretty well. You think you’re so tough, but there are ninety-pound weaklings with more backbone, more moral fiber and more courage than you can even imagine. Being able to take a bullet doesn’t mean you’re strong. Even a wild animal will face death bravely if the animal is motivated. Real strength is about giving something from inside. Giving something that matters, that actually costs something. It’s not brave to risk it all when you have nothing to lose.”
He turned away. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. And that’s what makes this so hard.” Her anger faded as quickly as it had flared, and she was left with nothing but the pain and emptiness. Still, she forced herself to go on.
“I know it all,” she said. “I’ve been there, just like you. I’ve felt the pain and experienced the suffering. I’ve done things and seen things that aren’t even human. I have nightmares. I’m afraid. But I’m still willing to put that aside for you. I’m willing to try. This is about us. Not the nebulous idea of a family, not for some unreachable dream of being normal. I don’t even know what normal is. What I do know is that I would do anything for you. I would lay down my life. I would even walk away.”
“Then just do it,” he demanded, spinning toward her and planting his hands on his hips. “Get the hell out of my life.”
“I will,” she said, and nodded. She would do what he asked because there was no choice left to her. Funny, she hadn’t thought it would end like this.
She pressed her fingers to her chest as if she could stop the bleeding. Her breath caught in her throat. “Oh, Zach, I wish you’d been honest with me back then. It would have made it all easier.”
“I never lied to you.”
“Yeah, you did. You let me hope that there was a chance, that you were capable of caring about someone. You should have told me a fling was all you were good for. You should have told me not to waste my time.”
“Damn it,” he yelled, and stalked toward the woods. When he was about twenty feet from the porch, he turned back to her. “Do you think I want it to be like this? Do you really believe this makes me happy?”
“Yes,” she said quietly.
His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his hand across his face. “What do you want from me?”
“I want it all. Don’t you see? I’m the last person who’s going to come looking for you. I’m the last one who is going to care if you live or die. We could build a life together. We could be happy. We could be like that old couple, celebrating our fiftieth anniversary together. You can choose to spend your life in the dark like an animal, or you can join me in the light. You can try. I’m going to make it, Zach. With or without you, I’m determined to find what I want. I’m going to get some balance. I’m going to learn not to be afraid to show my feminine side. I know there are risks, but aren’t they worth it? And wouldn’t it be easier if we did it together?”
It didn’t seem to matter how many times he knocked her down. She kept getting up. He didn’t know whether to applaud her efforts or have her committed. Zach shook his head slowly. That wasn’t true. In his heart, he admired the hell out of her. She had more courage, more conviction, more raw guts, than anyone he’d ever met.
He shouldn’t be surprised. From the first day she’d shown up at the academy, he’d known she was special. She’d been determined to do whatever it took to achieve her goal. She’d worked harder, longer and smarter than
