any recruit he’d met before or since. He wanted nothing more than to be worthy of her, but he knew he wasn’t. And if he tried to pretend, she would eventually find out the truth. This hurt for the moment, but in the end, it was the kindest act he could perform. One day she would understand that.
She might be willing to face the past, to look at the ugliness and move on, but he couldn’t.
She brushed her face with the back of her hand. He hated that he’d reduced her to tears. “Please, Zach,” she said, her eyes pleading. “If I’ve ever meant anything to you, if you’ve ever had a single hope that it could always be like this, then take a chance. I’ll be there. We’ll figure it out together.”
She made it sound so easy. A single step of faith. No big deal, right? Maybe for her, but not for him. He wasn’t like her. Couldn’t she see he was doing what was best for her? Didn’t she understand the sacrifice involved?
“Don’t make me do this,” she said. “Don’t make me leave you.”
“It’s best,” he told her. “What you want is still possible. Find that life you so admire. Be happy. Get a husband, have some kids, drive in a car pool. I don’t begrudge you that happiness, Jamie. You deserve it.”
“But I don’t want it without you.” Her tears flowed faster.
He felt as if his belly had been ripped open. He fought against the pain. Why did doing right feel so wrong? “You want it any way you can get it. I know. My chance to go back was over a long time ago. I didn’t take it. Sometimes I think I should have. I don’t know anything else but my job. It’s what I want to do.”
“No. It can’t be. Zach, no.”
“All the wishing in the world isn’t going to give me a second chance.”
She studied him for a long time. Her eyebrows drew together and she sniffed through her tears. Then she seemed to come to some decision. “Seven years ago, you made me choose. You were wrong to do that.”
She didn’t know how wrong. Next to this conversation, it had been the most difficult moment of his life. But he’d known then she would never be happy if she didn’t go out and experience all she’d worked for. He hadn’t had the right to ask her to stay with him, so he’d let her go. He’d suspected then she’d been his last chance and he’d been right. Now it was too late.
“We can’t change the past,” he said.
“I know. But we can change the future. You made decisions without consulting me. You put yourself in charge of my destiny because you thought you knew what was best for me. What if you were wrong?”
“I wasn’t.”
“Maybe then. But you’re wrong now.” She drew in a shaky breath. Her dark blond hair shimmered around her shoulders. This was how he wanted to remember her. Proud. Beautiful. Strong.
“We both paid a price for that moment,” she continued. “Now
“You still don’t get it, Jamie. You’re stronger than me. You always have been. The kindest act is to let you go.”
“You’re wrong. The kindest act is to love me. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You don’t love me. You never have.”
He wanted to speak the words. The lie. If he told her he didn’t love her, she would leave and never look back. But he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t deny the one truly perfect part of his life. Loving her. He’d always loved her.
She walked to the porch and picked up a package. “You’ll let me go, but you’ll let me go wondering what could have been between us. That’s cruel of you, Zach. I expected more. I deserved more.”
He wanted to defend himself. Didn’t she know how hard this was for him? He said nothing.
She held out the flat package. “This came for you. It’s from Winston. Probably your next assignment. Tell me something. Is Winston omnipotent, or did you call him from Denver?”
“I called him last night.”
“Good. I would hate to think he really does know everything.” She glanced at the package. “This is the world you want. A world without love. Without me. Take it.”
He stared at the purple-and-white envelope, but he couldn’t reach for it. He wasn’t ready to go back into that world. Tears rolled down Jamie’s cheeks. He couldn’t bear that, either. He turned and started to jog. Then he ran. Faster and faster until he couldn’t see the cabin or hear her calling his name.
The canyon was less than fifty feet across, but the bottom was nearly a half mile down. Zach crouched in the underbrush and listened to the gunfire. It was closer than it had been just an hour before. The enemy had found the trail. There wasn’t much time for any of them.
He functioned without thought, taking care of business, getting his men across the narrow footbridge. On one side of the bridge, the rope railing had been taken out by a shell blast. Two men were dead, a third injured. Their luck had run out. If they could just make it across, they would be safe.
He sent his second-in-command over next, then turned to scan the jungle behind him. Once everyone was on the other side, they would blow up the bridge. The enemy would be trapped with no way to get to them.
It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult assignment. He’d completed a dozen like it. So why was this one so hard? Why was he hesitating? What had he forgotten?
Jamie.
Jamie! He turned around and peered through the thick underbrush. Something was wrong. He could feel it.
“Zach?”
Her voice. She was alive. He glanced up and saw her on the other side of the canyon. His men were gone; she stood in their place, exactly as he remembered her. Hair in a braid, jeans, sweatshirt. In front of her was a small blond little girl, about the same age as the child they’d seen at the zoo. Chubby pink cheeks, bright blue eyes and a pretty smile. He found himself smiling back.
“Come on,” Jamie said, motioning him toward the bridge.
Zach couldn’t move. His legs wouldn’t cooperate. He couldn’t get control of his breathing. He couldn’t think.
The enemy moved closer. He had to destroy the bridge before they got across. Before they got Jamie. But he couldn’t force himself to act. Something held him in place.
Fear. He could feel its coldness against his skin. He could taste it.
“Daddy, hurry,” the little girl called. “Daddy, we need you.”
“I can’t. Run,” he shouted as loudly as he could. Yet the sound seemed to float away on the wind. He knew they hadn’t heard him.
“I’m not leaving without you,” Jamie said, her voice echoing in the canyon.
“Daddy, please!”
The men were upon him. Dozens and dozens, all dressed in camouflage, heavily armed. They streamed past him, not even noticing him. He reached for his gun, but he was unarmed. He didn’t even have a knife. He jumped in front of one of the warriors, and the man simply pushed him aside.
One by one they crossed the bridge and surrounded Jamie and her daughter.
He woke to the sound of a scream.
Zach sat up in bed. He was covered with sweat and panting.
Adrenaline raced through his body. He could feel the thundering of his heart. His legs twitched; his hands shook.
It was just a dream, he told himself. An ugly, vivid dream he wasn’t going to be able to forget for a long time. But it wasn’t real.
He stood up and walked to the window. He pushed up the glass and let the cold night air pour over his heated body. Dreams were a luxury he didn’t usually allow himself. Everyone dreamed; he knew he did, as well, but he didn’t allow himself to remember the dreams. This time he didn’t get a choice.
The images were imprinted on his brain. When he closed his eyes, he could see the jungle scene, the trust in Jamie’s eyes, the horror on the child’s face when the armed men had approached. Instead of reliving it over and over, he stared up at the star-filled night and tried to think of other things.
She’d called to him, and he hadn’t been able to respond. He’d let her down. He’d left her to die.
White-hot pain ripped through his already tattered soul. How could he have abandoned a child?
His child. His.
