Surrender in Silk

“I’m not inviting you to go back in the field. I’m offering you something inside. A promotion. You’d be based here in Washington. Technology is changing and improving every day. We’re going to be adding another department. I’d like you to run that.”

She leaned her head against the cupboard door. “Would I be running agents?” she asked.

“Sure. You’d have a great team. The best. I’d let you pick them yourself.”

That’s what she was afraid of. “No, Winston. I don’t want the best. I don’t want to be responsible for sending other people into dangerous situations. I have to make a life for myself outside of the agency.”

“What if you can’t?”

She’d asked herself the question a thousand times. “If I can’t, then I’ll come crawling back and offer to work as your secretary.”

“That would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath. You’ve never failed at anything, Jamie. I figured you were going to refuse, but I had to try. Stay in touch.”

“I will.”

He hung up without saying goodbye.

She sat on the floor and listened to the silence. She could have asked. It would have been so easy to casually ask if Zach was back on assignment. After all, she’d been the one to save his life. Winston wouldn’t have thought anything of the inquiry.

Where was he right now? The Middle East? Africa? South America? Was he even still alive?

That question kept her up nights. How would she know if something happened to him? Eventually information filtered down the agency grapevine, but she wasn’t hooked up to that anymore. Five years from now, would she run into Winston and ask? Would he look puzzled and say, Zach died years ago. Didn’t you know?

Would she spend the rest of her life waiting for Zach only to find out he was gone? Or would she just be waiting for a man who had no intention of finding her?

The microwave beeped, reminding her about the now-cooling water. She stood up and replaced the receiver, then reset the timer and started the machine again. She didn’t have the answer to any of those questions. When Zach had refused to even try to make it work between them, he’d made his choice. When she’d walked away without a word, she’d made hers. There was nothing left to do but get her life together and move forward.

Winston stared at the report in front of him. Zach felt strangely out of sorts. Instead of waiting patiently, he prowled the well-appointed office, adjusting souvenirs on bookshelves and straightening already straight pictures.

“You passed the physical with no problem,” Winston said, then flipped back a couple of pages. “You heal pretty fast for an old man.”

“Thanks.” Zach shrugged. “I owe it all to my clean living.”

And Jamie. She’d taken care of him, fixing healthy meals, encouraging him to exercise. Together they’d worked out their own physical-therapy program.

“You want to know what the psychiatrist had to say?” Winston asked.

“Not really.”

“He thinks you’ve got a death wish.”

There’s a news flash, he thought grimly. “What’s your point?”

Winston lowered the papers to the desk. “Do you?”

Zach moved toward the desk and lowered himself into one of the leather chairs there. He leaned back, then placed one ankle on the opposite knee. “Every assignment is a death wish. Going out in the field is inherently risky. Some people come back, some people don’t. What your mental friend didn’t like was that I’m not afraid to die.”

Jamie had been right. It was easy to risk it all when he had nothing worth losing. That didn’t take courage. Courage was standing up for a belief. Being terrified and doing it anyway. Risking heart and soul when there was every chance they would be rejected and trampled. Dying was easy-it was the living that had him stumped.

Winston flipped through more pages of a report, then nodded. “I have an assignment for you. High risk. Volunteers only. You interested?”

High risk. More than fifty percent probability of not returning.

There was no reason not to take it. He’d healed physically. His body was as strong as ever. But he wasn’t whole on the inside. The ache in his chest never went away. Nights used to be worst; now the days were getting to him. He’d spent the past couple of weeks at the cabin trying to sort it all out.

But the cabin was no longer a sanctuary. Now it held Jamie’s essence. The memories of their times together were a constant taunt.

Jamie loved him. He had no doubt about that. He loved her, perhaps more than he’d ever realized. His life was empty without her. He saw her everywhere, he heard her voice, he ached for her.

Yet he still hesitated. Because he didn’t want to screw this up. He wanted to do what was right for both of them.

Should he just let her go, knowing that she would forget him and find some normal guy to make her dreams come true?

He closed his eyes against the image, but it came to him anyway. The picture of her with someone else. Someone who didn’t understand what she’d been through. How would this guy know what she was thinking? How would he know what to say when the nightmares came? How could he lovingly touch the scars on her body and heal them if he didn’t know how they got there in the first place?

What about his dream? What about the child-the daughter-he’d seen? Would Jamie have that child with another man? Would the young girl call another man daddy, ride his shoulders, smile up at this stranger? Would Jamie give herself completely? Would she grow to trust this man as she had once trusted Zach? The image of that pierced him more deeply than any knife ever had.

No one would ever love Jamie as much, never love their child as much, Zach thought. Seven years ago, he’d let her go. How could he have done it again? Hadn’t he learned anything?

“Zach?”

He looked at his boss. “Not interested.”

Winston raised pale eyebrows. “There’s a first.”

“Prepare yourself for another one. I’m resigning.”

Winston had the courtesy to look as if he’d just been shot. “Resigning? From the agency?”

“It’s time.”

It was time. He finally saw that. It wasn’t all because of Jamie, although she deserved most of the credit. He’d finally come to the realization he could no longer live in the shadows. Even if she didn’t want him, he wasn’t going back. She’d shown him he still had a slim grasp on his humanity. She’d shown him about the healing power of love. Even without being with her, he would continue to love her, and that would be enough.

“I don’t know what to say,” Winston told him.

“Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to live, or at least try to.”

Zach shook his head. He didn’t have a clue where to start. He wanted to find Jamie, wherever she was, confess all and beg her to take him back. What kept him in his seat was the realization it had been weeks and he hadn’t heard from her. She was probably doing fine without him. She deserved better than he could offer.

“I can’t believe I’ve lost two of my best agents in the same month.”

“Who else quit?”

“Jamie Sanders.”

“She did that weeks ago,” he said.

Winston leaned back in his chair. “She officially left right after she rescued you, but a few days ago I tried to entice her back with a promotion and a desk job. She wasn’t interested.” He glanced at Zach. “I don’t suppose I can talk you into it?”

“No. I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

“Now you sound like Jamie.” Winston dropped the file and stared at him. “I couldn’t