on the floor of a deserted attic in the middle of the night, that was
because she had singlehandedly and against all odds discovered the
murderous villain who had committed unspeakable crimes. I cant
remember what they were but Nancy never underestimated or
overestimated. he wanted to kill her so (it seemed absolutely logical
then) he locked her in a pitch black attic with a black widow spider.
there she was, on the floor, struggling and twisting, at any moment,
any wrong move, she would be bitten by the black widow spider and
die a slow, lingering, agonizing death. she wasnt even afraid.
me, I was terrified. I had learned to be terrified in the 2nd grade,
Mrs. (as we said then) Jones class, when we did a science project—
the boys did theirs on spiders, we did ours on seashells. every time
the boys discovered a new poisonous or even a very ugly non-
poisonous spider they made creepy sounds. for about 8 years I
always felt at the foot of my bed for spiders and wore socks. naturally
I was relieved when, on the last page, Carson and Ned flung open the
door to the attic, turned on the light, and stomped on the black
widow spider which was just inches from her brave, abused body, she
never even screamed or cried.
there were also, of course, Cherry Ames Student Nurse and Ginny
Gordon Detective and Flossie of the Bobbsey Twins and Nan who
was I think another Bobbsey Twin (there were 2 sets), they always
had adventures and went out at night and had boyfriends and were
rescued just in the nick of time, they werent much as heroes go but
they were all I had.
sometime about the 6th grade I got into the heavy stuff. Scarlett
O’Hara and Marjorie Momingstar. I read
least 22 times. I had total visual recall of every page. I could open it
up at will to any episode and begin crying immediately. I would sit in
my room, door locked, and cry—tears streaming down my cheeks,
body racked in agony, but quietly so my mother wouldnt hear and
take the book away, when Rhett carried her up those stairs. “My
dear, I don’t give a dam n, ” he said when finally, at last, she begged,
when Ashley died, when Tara was burned to the ground, how
Scarlett suffered and how I suffered, we were the same really, both
women of greatness. I saw my grand white house in rubble, myself in
ashes and sackcloth, destitute, humiliated, my slaves loved me (here
I quivered, knowing even then I was a jerk) and were forced to leave.
Rhett. Rhett. I was her, and I was him, and I was her being cruel to
him, and him being cruel to her, and all of us, suffering, heroic,
driven, by History no less. Melanie, or Melody, or whatever her name
was, pale, dull, and well behaved under every circumstance, appalled me. I skipped all the parts she was in.
Marjorie, the thrill of eating bacon for the 1st time, of course I had
eaten bacon all my life. I just hadnt ever before known how
dangerous it really was. Noel Airman. An Actor, soon he would be
balding, thats how old and evil he was. danger, sex. I could feel his
creepy decadence. I looked for it everywhere. I couldnt find it in the
