Reaching across blindly, she replaced the receiver, rattling it against the body of the phone before it fell into its cradle. Then there was quiet in the room, and into that silence one word kept repeating itself over and over again inside her mind. The one word she'd never been able to understand.
Love.
Outside her door it was all Billy could do to fall back against the wall, his trembling legs barely keeping him upright. She hadn't treated him like a school boy or a dumb bush-bunny. She'd listened to him, actually looked at him, and for a agonisingly exquisite moment she'd touched him, and he was sure he'd seen more than sympathy in her eyes.
She was so beautiful. So sexy. All that shiny dark hair that he knew would fall past her shoulders if she'd only let it loose, those eyes that could make you hard just by looking at you, and that mouth…
Billy groaned softly, levering himself off the wall to shuffle uncomfortably down the hallway towards the toilets. Once inside the tiny white cubicle he let himself think about her mouth, really think about it. How soft and red it looked. How her tongue came out and touched her top lip when she was thinking. How it moved so seductively when she was eating, especially icecream. He knew she liked rum-raisin icecream and every time he bought one for himself he thought of her.
He was sure she'd never seen him watching her. He was careful to keep in the background, never following her off campus and only in the daytime when there were groups of other students around. It was easy really, although he knew it wasn't right.
She belonged to Dean Williams, and she was faithful to him. That was another thing Billy loved about her. The other blokes talked about her, and Billy was hard put not to tell them to shut up sometimes, but one thing he'd gleaned was that according to the campus grapevine she'd never been unfaithful. She was as virtuous as she was beautiful, and so incredibly sexy that Billy would willingly give ten years of his life just to kiss her.
Of course he never would, but the familiar aching warmth suffused his body as he imagined her nestled in his arms, her soft lips against his and that pink tongue of hers sliding into his mouth, her breasts pressing against his chest as he stroked her soft hair…
' Oh God,' he groaned, then looked down in shock to find his idle hands had been doing the devil's work.
'God,' he repeated blankly, blaspheming again as the precious seeds of creation, his seeds, trailed down the stained white tiles at the back of the cubicle. Then he trembled as the reality of what he'd done hit him full in the face.
'Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' he whispered hysterically, stuffing the sinful organ, still pulsing, back into his pants. 'Please, God. I didn't mean to do it.' He snatched handfuls of toilet paper and scrubbed frantically at the wall. 'Don't send me to hell.'
Billy knew as sure as he was a sinner that Dr Williams wouldn't be going to hell. She'd be going to heaven and he couldn't bear the thought of spending eternity separated from the one woman he truly loved. He'd have to read his Bible. He'd have to write to his mother and go to church twice on Sunday to make up for what he'd just done.
In a hurry to get away from his transgression he dropped the sticky paper into the toilet and flushed it, then he went to the sink and scrubbed his hands over and over again with soap. Only then did he rejoin his fellow students, keeping in the pack for as long as he could, unable to bear the thought of what he might do if he was alone.
He was dirty and untrustworthy and he'd have to keep away from Dr Williams or he might corrupt her as unconsciously as he'd corrupted his own body. Besides it'd take all of his attention to work on repenting his sins.
He should never have gone to see her, but the from the moment he'd discovered she was the Convenor of First Year he'd been unable to think of anything else. To see her up close, to actually talk to her. Touching her had been beyond his wildest expectations, but he was sure now that he'd had time to think about it, what he'd taken as interest on her part must have been something else.
She'd probably been busy and he'd distracted her from her work. He wouldn't do it again. He'd also stop thinking about her lips and pray his love for her was pure enough to wish her happiness in her marriage. She deserved that. Unfortunately, that afternoon as he'd heard a fellow student talking, Billy realised his good intentions would never work and that he was hopelessly beyond redemption.
Pog, a short Lebanese boy whose obsession with American slang consistently grated on Billy's nerves, was relating a story to an avid group of undergrads. The details of his latest adventure had been of no interest to Billy until he'd heard Dr Williams name mentioned.
Apparently Pog had been helping with the family bottled water business by making weekend deliveries to gymnasiums. He'd just entered an exclusive Gold Coast health club when he'd seen 'Legs' as they called Dr Williams, emerging from an aerobics class wearing lime green leotards that, hugged those curves like a Ferrari, dude.
'What about her tits? Has she got big tits? You can never tell under those baggy suits she wears?' another had asked.
'Well she ain't no Dolly Parton, but they ain't pimples either. A good handful,' the smarmy bastard had replied, his eyes taking on a far-away look. 'You should have seen her, dude. All hot and sweaty in those leotards the same colour as her eyes, just clingin' and stretchin' over those high tits and that tight ass. And those legs. Oh man…'
A collective sigh rose, and Billy found he had to leave. Not only was he likely to put Pog in hospital if he heard another filthy word come out of his mouth, but he was seriously in danger of bursting into tears. Back in the dorms he turned his shower on cold and stepped under it fully dressed, but the pain inside his mind wouldn't go away. Tears coursed down his cheeks and he knew no amount of running or reading or praying was going to save his soul.
He didn't just love Dr Williams, he wanted to pull that slender body against his and hold her. He wanted to take her clothes off and see those beautiful curves for himself and he wanted to touch her and kiss her and…
He wanted to fuck her.
' Nooooo,' he wailed, smashing his head against the tiles, cracking them, then softer, 'No,' as he slid to the bottom of the shower, blood mingling with the water that ran into his eyes. 'No. Please,' he sobbed. 'What am I going to do… God?' If only he could hear the voice inside his mind as his mother did. God always listened to her, but then, she wasn't corrupt like Billy.
'Don't let me hurt her, God,' he prayed, hugging his knees as the icy water ran over him. 'Just make it stop. Make it stop.'
Chapter Four
'… so help me, God.'
'Amen,' Dee intoned, her voice joined by twenty others in the small campus chapel.
Coming in late, she'd slipped into the back row, hoping to avoid recognition and for once luck was on her side. There wasn't a single staff member present. Only one face was familiar amid the congregation, and he sat three rows ahead of her, unaware of her presence.
'Now we shall sing,' the dour faced Minister instructed and Dee felt around for the hymn book on the seat beside her. The congregation rose in unison and Dee with it, but the book stayed idle in her hands. The hum of muted conversation, the fluttering of pages, stark stone walls softened by a stream of yellow light flooding through the stained-glass windows all gave the impression of worshipping inside a beehive. It should have been distracting, but Dee was oblivious, caught in the grip of a remembered moment of discovery: standing with his back to her and bathed in the golden light, Billy was flicking the pages of a book she couldn't see.
His head was bowed, elbows tucked in, pulling the fabric of his pale blue shirt tight against the muscles of his back. Muscles that were engraved on her memory. Her gaze dipped to the darker blue trousers, tracing the curve of his hip and the long thighs, lingering on his taut buttocks. Her lips parted on an involuntary sigh, which was masked by the wheeze of the organ's introduction. The book trembled in her hand.
