weapons, simultaneously disarming them and sending them sprawling into the street. The snake god darted forward, pinning them all to the ground with his tail.
“This ends now,” snarled Quetzalcoatl, leaning into the face of Chester A. Arthur.
“Like fuck it does, you maniacal assclown,” shouted Queen Victoria XXX, struggling to remove Quetzalcoatl’s tail from atop her legs.
Quetzalcoatl punched the sidewalk, the concrete splitting into a dozen or so pointed pieces. He grabbed one and plunged the shard into Victoria’s abdomen.
“No,” he said. “No more.”
'Oh my god,” said Catrina, “we’ve got to…'
'Get her medical attention? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I burned or knocked down every hospital within three miles,” said Quetzalcoatl with a shrug. “I get bored.'
Eighty-One: Hell Hath No Fury
“You fucking cocksucker,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Yeah, that’ll help, honey,” replied Quetzalcoatl, still leaning over the trio. “Maybe you should try to think of something a little more family-friendly for your epitaph.”
Queen Victoria XXX, her legs still pinned beneath Quetzalcoatl’s tail, pulled the cement spike out of her gut.
'OK, um,” said Quetzalcoatl, his menacing glare momentarily replaced by a look of confusion, “I wasn’t aware anyone else here had any special powers.'
'I don’t,” replied Queen Victoria XXX. “I’m bleeding to death and it hurts like a motherfucking bitch. But, powers or no…”
“…she is a vessel of fury and rage the likes of which you have never seen,” continued Chester A. Arthur XVII, with far too smug a look on his face for someone with a giant snake resting on his chest.
Queen Victoria XXX stabbed Quetzalcoatl in the eye with the sidewalk splinter, bringing her arm around with enough force to shove the spike through the back of his skull.
Quetzalcoatl screamed and reeled backward, freeing the president, the queen, and the girl.
'Holy… FUCK, that fucking hurts,” said Quetzalcoatl, absently grabbing at the concrete shard. “I really hope you don’t have the HIV.'
“Me too,” said Thor, smacking Quetzalcoatl upside the head with a sledgehammer.
“Fucking fuck, man!” exclaimed Quetzalcoatl. “Where the hell did you come from?”
“Convention let out early. Steve the electrician says ‘hi.’”
Thor swung the sledgehammer upward, catching Quetzalcoatl by the chin and knocking him backward.
“Thor!” said Catrina, running up and embracing him.
“Catrina,” said Thor. “How we doing?”
“Vicky’s bleeding to death and Chester’s not quite as pretty as he was, oh, and Timmy’s an astronaut now, but, otherwise pretty good.”
“Your definition of good leaves a lot to be desired,” said Quetzalcoatl, regaining his ground and taking a swing at Thor.
Thor shielded Catrina and ducked out of the way. Chester A. Arthur XVII hit Quetzalcoatl across the face with a slab of sidewalk, sending him reeling backward.
“Nobody gives a shit what you have to say,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, bringing the piece of sidewalk down over Quetzalcoatl’s head, “bitch.”
“Hey, that is kind of fun,” he added.
“Told you,” said Thor.
Eighty-Two: Armageddon There
“By no pounds or Indians will some photosynthesizing chimp-neighbor buy up all my property, no ma’am,” muttered Quetzalcoatl, picking himself off the ground once again.
“Is he insulting us or having a stroke?” asked Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“I don’t know,” said Thor, shaking his head, “and I don’t really care.”
He nodded to a pile of power tools and construction equipment by the curb and said, “I brought presents.”
“I call the chainsaw!” said Catrina.
“Damn it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII and Queen Victoria XXX in unison.
“Oh, man,” said Catrina, picking up the chainsaw, “this thing is heavy.”
“Then let me take it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, looking sadly at the nail-gun in his hand.
“Why?” countered Queen Victoria XXX. “”Cause you’re a man and she’s just a little girl?”
“What? No, that’s not…”
“Then what, Charlie? What are you…”
The president looked at Catrina, struggling to start the gas-powered saw.
“I’m just saying, I’ve—we, we, you and me—have more experience in…”
“She’s never going to learn if you keep treating her like…”
“I’m not treating her like anything! I was simply…”
“Uh, hurry up, guys,” said Thor, taking a punch to the jaw from Quetzalcoatl. He retaliated by kicking Quetzalcoatl in the crotch, only to realize that Quetzalcoatl didn’t have a crotch. The Aztec snake god pushed the off-balance Thor to the side.
“Chocolate-coated peanuts!”
“Oh, no,” said Queen Victoria XXX, “I think we broke him.”
Quetzalcoatl lunged at the queen. She side-stepped his attack and hit him in the back of the head with a pair of crowbars. He staggered slightly from the blow, long enough for Chester A. Arthur XVII to fire the nail-gun into his neck repeatedly.
“Son of a bitch!”
Quetzalcoatl swung blindly behind him. Chester A. Arthur XVII dodged the attack easily, then grabbed the Aztec god’s hand and nailed it to the lower part of his back. Queen Victoria XXX cracked Quetzalcoatl across the face.
“Puppies, all of you!”
Quetzalcoatl extended his wings, knocking down both the president and the queen. He turned to lunge at Chester A. Arthur XVII, only to catch a sledgehammer from Thor with his teeth. The snake god fell backwards from the blow, landing against an upturned slab of sidewalk. Chester A. Arthur XVII scrambled to his feet and fired the nail gun into Quetzalcoatl’s shoulders, arms, and wings, pinning him to the slab.
“Catrina, take his fucking head off,” ordered the president. “Now.”
Catrina pulled the cord urgently and the chainsaw roared to life. Still carrying it unsteadily, she took a step toward the Aztec god.
“OK, maybe, uh, maybe you were right,” she said. “I don’t know if I really feel comfortable doing this.”
“Fine, whatever, I’ll do it,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII.
“Why…” started Queen Victoria XXX.
“Because I’m closer, Vicky,” replied the president, shouting over his shoulder as he ran toward Catrina. “This is not the god damned time for this.”
“Thanks,” said Catrina, carefully handing over the chainsaw to the presidential clone.
Chester A. Arthur XVII reached out his hand, but was grabbed by Quetzalcoatl’s tail before he could grab the saw. The snake god slammed the president into the side of the casino repeatedly, before impaling Chester on an exposed piece of metal.
