“Charlie!” cried out Queen Victoria XXX, before turning and slashing her crowbars across the still-pinned Aztec god’s face. She twirled the crowbars in her hands, adjusting her grip, and drove them both into Quetzalcoatl’s chest.
Quetzalcoatl howled, then swung his tail back, catching Queen Victoria at the knees. He snapped his tail, changing its direction instantly and whipping it across the queen’s face, gashing her cheek as she fell to the ground.
Thor stepped quickly toward Quetzalcoatl, raising the sledgehammer. The Aztec god, wary of another blow to the face, picked Queen Victoria up off the ground and hurled her directly at Thor. The former god of thunder checked his swing and attempted to catch the queen, the two of them dropping to the ground in a tangle.
Quetzalcoatl struggled to free himself, absent-mindedly thrashing his tail at Catrina in the process.
“Oh shit,” she said, lifting the chainsaw at the incoming tail.
Catrina held her ground, the teeth of the saw tearing into the writhing tail, but it was a futile defense. Quetzalcoatl freed himself from the slab and darted to the girl’s side, grabbing Catrina by the neck. The chainsaw fell to the ground.
“I am going to murder you… and your children… and your goats.”
“Put her down,” said Thor, picking up his sledgehammer and limping toward Quetzalcoatl.
“You rock-skulled, rooster-smoking sack of liquids,” replied the snake-man, “when are you going to learn? You can’t kill me. I’m a
“Funny story,” said Thor, tilting his head and cracking his neck, “so am I.”
Eighty-Three: Ragnarok & Roll
Thor charged at Quetzalcoatl and, careful to avoid damaging Catrina, struck the Aztec god in the face with the sledgehammer. Quetzalcoatl just looked at him. Thor hit him a few more times. Quetzalcoatl remained unimpressed.
“Nope,” he said. “Still gonna kill her.”
Quetzalcoatl lifted Catrina, squeezing his fingers tighter around her neck. She began coughing and kicking her legs frantically.
“No,” said Thor, “you’re not.”
The sky darkened as roiling, black clouds overtook the sun. A colossal crack of thunder echoed off what remained of the casino’s walls, shaking the ground.
“Oh, no fucking way,” said Quetzalcoatl.
A bolt of lightning tore through the sky, striking Quetzalcoatl. Catrina fell from his grasp.
“Holy shit, Thor,” she said, stumbling towards him, “was that…”
“Verily.”
“But how? I thought…”
“Anything that prick can do,” replied Thor, “I can do better.”
“Yeah, well, anything I can do that you can do better I can do best,” said Quetzalcoatl, picking himself off the ground yet again and coiling his tail to strike.
“Yeah,” said Thor, “I kind of doubt that.”
Catrina jumped to the side as Quetzalcoatl lunged at Thor. Thor hit him in the shoulder with the sledgehammer, sending the snake god sprawling sideways across the ground. Quetzalcoatl immediately launched himself at Thor again, but Thor caught him in the throat with his elbow.
Quetzalcoatl fell backwards, choking. Thor swung the sledgehammer and struck Quetzalcoatl in the face, spinning and disorienting him. Thor capitalized and pummeled the snake-man mercilessly, lightning assaulting the Aztec god with each strike of the hammer. Quetzalcoatl swung blindly and thrashed futilely throughout the onslaught, never quite regaining his bearings, before a final blow to the square of his back sent Quetzalcoatl collapsing to the ground.
Thor gripped the sledgehammer with both hands and lifted it over his head. He swung it down onto Quetzalcoatl’s skull with all his might. The accompanying thunder shattered windows, the bolt of lightning set the surrounding sidewalk on fire.
And then the sky cracked open.
“Oh, crap,” said Thor.
Eighty-Four: The End
Queen Victoria XXX staggered over to Chester A. Arthur XVII and helped free him from the metal spike through the rightmost part of his chest.
“You alright?” she asked, gently helping to lift him.
“More than likely. I’m pretty sure it’s not entirely fatal,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII, wincing as he was removed from the exposed reinforcement bar. “How about you?”
“Bleeding profusely, but I’ll probably live. I don’t think he got anything important.”
“That’s good.”
Queen Victoria XXX smiled. She lifted Chester’s arm and put it around her shoulder, then the two of them attempted to stand. It was a valiant effort. They got about half way to vertical before falling backwards and landing on their asses.
“Maybe we should just sit here for…”
“Yeah…”
They sat there for a moment, surveying the wreckage and watching the blood pool around Quetzalcoatl’s broken skull, before Victoria asked, “Where’s Billy?”
“And Phil? And the scientists, for that matter?”
William H. Taft XLII and Phil, having dispersed the philosopher army, decided to rejoin their comrades in the dispatching of Quetzalcoatl. Before they could enter the fray, however, they came across a clutch of non-burning prostitutes trapped within a burning building. All hopped-up on being the good guys, William H. Taft XLII and Phil rescued the hookers from the building—well, a decent percentage of them, anyway—and brought them to safety.
They were still being rewarded for their heroism.
The scientists, however, having been less than useful in both the dispersal of the philosophers and the saving of the prostitutes, were not being rewarded. They were, nevertheless, still with Phil, William H. Taft XLII, and the hookers, just watching. Judy, especially, felt that was reward enough. She was kind of a weird girl.
“I hope they’re OK,” said Queen Victoria XXX.
“Where’s the helicopter?” asked Chester A. Arthur XVII.
The helicopter was where they had left it.
“What’s that matter? It’s not like we can fly it without a pilot.”
“Sure we can.”
“You can fly a helicopter?”
“Well, no,” replied Chester A. Arthur XVII. “But I’m a quick study.”
“You’re an idiot, Charlie.”
Queen Victoria XXX and Chester A. Arthur XVII, each supporting the other one, lifted themselves from the ground with a deep breath and a heave. They began staggering back toward the helicopter when Catrina approached them.
“You guys OK?”
“We will be,” said Queen Victoria XXX. “We’re going to take the helicopter and find some help.”
“Good idea,” replied Catrina. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” said Chester A. Arthur XVII. “We’ll swing back here when we’re done. If you’re already gone, we’ll
