Chico Williams
The Ups and Downs of Life
CHAPTER 1
The son of a gentleman of moderate fortune, whom I lost when quite a child, I was designed from the first for the army. Having, at the age of sixteen, been presented with a cadetship, so soon as my outfit was completed, I started by the mail for Portsmouth, on a cold night in February 1834.
Arrived at Portsmouth, I put up at the Fountain Inn, the George being full, and the next day called at the latter hotel to pay my respects and present a letter of introduction to Major S-, who, with his three nieces and daughter, was there staying.
I found the old major discussing a bottle of port, in spite of his gout, and he gave me hearty reception. He was a specimen of the old school of company's officers, of which few now remain. Bluff, hearty and hospitable, he was a man of some sixty years of age, who had seen some hard service in his youth. But poverty, that bane of human life, forbade his enjoying his otium cum dignitate. In fact, he was again returning to India in search of his colonelcy, which promotion yet tarried.
'Well, youngster,' said he, 'so you're going to try your fortune in India, eh? you won't find the Pagodas grow on the trees now, my lad, the golden fruit has been plucked long ago; but you seem a likely young chap, so I drink to your success, here's to you, my boy,' and he swallowed a bumper, pushing the bottle at the same time to me. I tippled and talked, for I was not troubled with mauvaise honte even at sixteen, and at eight o'clock I rose to take leave. 'Well, my lad, good-night,' said the old major, 'and harkee, the skipper tells me that we are likely to be detained here for a week or two by this cursed south-west gale, so you had better come and take up your quarters with me at Southsea, where I have taken lodgings — 22 Portsea Terrace — come tomorrow and I'll introduce you to my nieces!' At the words nieces I pricked up my ears, and promising to come, I took leave and returned to the Fountain. I went into the coffee-room and, in the grand way known only to griffins, called loudly for a pint of wine and some filberts. The boxes were all occupied, and as I sought for a table, a fine, handsome fellow who was languidly drinking a bottle of claret, accosted me. 'Here's room, take a seat here, glad of your company.' I bowed carelessly, for I had been so used to meet good society at my uncle's, that I had none of the schoolboy shyness which is usual with beardless boys of sixteen. I did not notice it then, but I have since thought my quondam acquaintance must have been immensely amused with me.
When the waiter brought my 'stingy port', he passed his claret to me, saying, 'Don't drink that stuff, try this, 'tis real Chateau Margaux, by God, try it.'
I sipped a glass and made a wry face, 'Thank you,' said I, 'I'd rather stick to my stingo.' He shrugged his shoulders, but said nothing, so I went on with my port. My new friend then informed me that he belonged to the British Legion, under Sir De Lacy Evans, and was pledged to the cause of Don Pedro, and was, like me, waiting for a fair wind to sail to Portugal. Of course, I reciprocated his confidence by telling him that I was going to India as a cadet.
As soon as we had both finished our wine, he pulled out a cigar-case and lit a real Havannah, a rarity in those non-smoking days, then he offered me his case. I was wonderfully fascinated with this man — his handsome person, black moustache turned up a la Carolus 1st, and dashing air quite captivated me.
'What are you going to do tonight?' said he.
'Damme!' said I, hazarding my first oath, 'I'm game for anything.'
'Suppose we go to the theatre?' said he.
'With all my heart,' said I.
So to the theatre we went. On the way he told me his various adventures with the girls at Portsmouth and cautioned me against them. But on coming out of the theatre we were surrounded by a bevy of blooming loves (at least if their cheeks were not blooming, the paint was), and my guardian friend was quickly carried off. As for me, I remained like a lamb doomed to the slaughter; a bold devil about five-and-twenty had seized me and was about to make me her prey, when she was swooped down upon by a pretty little creature of fifteen, who in peremptory language desired her to loose her hold. What influence the young girl had upon the older one I don't know, but she obeyed without a word, and the other taking my arm led me away.
'You are a little cadet,' she said, 'I know, and a very pretty boy you are, and shall come and sleep with me!' I turned my eyes on my captor, she was very pretty and I yielded at discretion.
She led me through a number of horrid dark streets and at length stopped before a grim-looking door. Three peculiar raps procured instant admission. Following my conductor, I stumbled up the worm-eaten stairs; she drew a key from her pocket and opened a door. I was almost blinded by the blaze of light that met my eyes. A sumptuous room containing every elegancy of life was before me; upon a console table was set out a cold collation. Champagne stood in ice. Two little girls, naked as the day they were born, came forward to do the honours. The room was as hot as July, owing to the two tremendous fires that blazed in the apartments.
'You haven't a five-pound note about you, my dear boy?' said the siren.
'I have two,' said I, innocently enough.
'Oh! you little darling!' said the pretty creature and my purse was emptied in an instant.
'Come along, darling!' said the girl, 'have some supper.'
In those halcyon days my appetite was good, my stomach was iron, my head was brass, I ate, I drank, God! how I quaffed the champagne.
'Well, I'm damned!' said Polly (for that was her name), 'by God, you're a little trump,' and she flung herself on a sofa and tossed up her clothes. I sprang towards her. 'Oh, you dear little boy,' said she, 'let me look at the pretty little cock; is it a virgin?' and she took it in her mouth. I was in raptures and seized on her beauteous cunt. I kissed her breasts, I mounted her and crack went my frenum in an instant. Oh, ye who have not wasted your early vigour in riotous frigging, tell me, was ever in your after days any joy like that first delicious fuck? Talk of heaven! talk of the bliss 'which it hath not entered the heart of man to conceive'!
Oh, the world are all thinking about it,
And as for myself I can swear,
If I fancied that heaven were without it,
I'd scarce feel a wish to go there!
Heaven can't be finer, and so I found it. I fucked Polly four times, the little girls twice a-piece, I drank two bottles of champagne and returned to my hotel at five in the morning, with my prick as raw as a carrot 'tis true, but sober as a parson. At ten o'clock I had breakfasted and was on my way to Portsea Terrace, fresh and lively as a lark. Oh, those youthful days! those dear, darling, youthful days!
had I three hundred thousand a year, I would gladly give a moiety of my income for their return.
Ave! Polly! dear destroyer of my virginity! where art thou now? Alas, alas! poxed! used up!
dead, perhaps; or, sad alternative! perhaps, grown old, stale and shrivelled, you sell oranges at the corners of streets, or sweep a dirty crossing. Telle est la vie! — such is life!
I never saw her again, for at Portsea Terrace I found I had 'other fish to fry' — now isn't that vulgar? What an expression amidst such Aphrodisiac rhapsodies. All right, old fellow, but you know
'there is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous'.
Arrived at Portsea Terrace, I was at once introduced to the nieces of Major — They were three in number: Henrietta, a fine girl of two-and-twenty, with dark brown eyes and skin of pure white and red; Lucy, aged eighteen, a sparkling brunette with a lovely figure and almond-shaped eyes; and Fanny, also a dark beauty of fourteen, but so developed, she looked five-and-twenty at least. As for the good major's wife, she was old and fat and his daughter plain and scraggy. But there were two other young ladies going out to Madras under his care, who I suppose would have been considered fine women, the Misses N-l, but they did not particularly take my fancy.
A pretty, rosy, laughing little chambermaid showed me my room when it was time to go to bed and,
