was clue number one. But he wasn’t feminine. It was little things like his neatness and his emphasis on personal hygiene. I didn’t know. Maybe I just wanted him to be gay so that I could tell him about me and we could go on and have what Tina and Derrek had. That would have been the only way I would have satisfied Tina and left the game for good, even if Michael can’t give me all the things I was used to. I could learn to be content with the life he was capable of giving me.
“Damn, what did I do to deserve this?” Michael asked as he walked into my dining room.
“What haven’t you done?” I said as I pulled the chair out for him to sit down.
Michael was pleased with the surprise candlelit dinner I had prepared for him. He was smiling and didn’t look ready to stop.
I took his coat for him and laid it on the couch. He had on a pair of carpenter jeans and a white long john shirt. After all, he did just think he was coming over to dig my car out of the snow.
“For somebody who spent a whole day cooking, you sure look good,” he said, referring to my red leather Bebe pants and my red bustier-like blouse. “Are you sure you slaved over a hot stove, or is this take-out?” he teased.
“Just because you never seen a cook look as good as me does not mean it ain’t possible,” I shot back.
I served Michael his spaghetti and meatballs and his side salad. I poured him a glass of hot apple cider. I buttered his dinner rolls, and then I sat across from him. The table was set perfect and I had Sade playing softly from the stereo in the living room. The mood was just right.
“Um, this is pretty good,” Michael said, complimenting me on my meal.
“I’m glad you like it. I put my foot in this.”
“Well, it tastes like you put your butt in it too, ’cause it’s bootylicious,” Michael joked.
I just giggled and then started contemplating how I was going to tell him. I had practiced over and over. First, I planned to get on the topic of gay men and see what his reactions would be. Then, if my instincts told me to, I would come out and tell him.
“Next time I’ll be expecting you to cook for me,” I said.
“That is not a problem, ’cause I can throw down,” Michael said, stuffing a forkful of spaghetti in his mouth.
“Is that right?”
“That’s right,” Michael said with confidence.
“Well, you know what they say about men who can cook?”
“What’s that?”
“They’re usually fat or gay…and you’re not fat,” I said, lifting my eyes from my plate and onto him.
He looked up at me and said, “I’m very happy.”
I just smiled. I couldn’t do it. He didn’t give me a readable response. It was then that I knew it would never work between us. There was no way I would be able to keep my secret from him much longer, and without him knowing the truth, I would have to distance myself from him. On that note, I decided to just keep doing what I’d been doing. It was what I knew best, anyway. It was what got me all I had now. I had to withdraw some of my feelings for Michael. I had to go back to my old ways. I had to keep playing.
December
“Hap-py birth-day toooo yooou, Hap-py birth-day tooo yooou, Hap-py birth-day dear Celeesss, Hap-py birth-day tooooooo yooooou,” Tina sang over the phone.
“Thank you,” I said modestly. “And thank you for the picture. It’s bangin’.”
“You’re welcome. I knew you would like it. That was back when it was just you and me runnin’ the streets. Did you get that envelope?”
“What envelope, the card?”
“No, the envelope that was in back of the picture. Go look,” Tina demanded.
I got up off my bed and walked over to the framed poster-sized painting of Tina and me on my twenty-first birthday a year ago. We were smiling ear to ear, posed up in the Range Rover, holding a bottle of Cristal and a wad of money. It brought back many memories. I turned the picture around and saw a white envelope wrapped in the plastic.
“I see it,” I told Tina as I made a hole in the plastic.
“Open it! Hurry up!” Tina said excitedly.
I got the envelope out of the plastic and opened it. Inside was a bunch of papers stapled together and folded. I opened them, and a loose paper fell out into my lap.
I read the letter aloud. “ ‘Celess, this is the first birthday since we met that you spent without me, and it has made me realize just how much I miss you.’”
I looked at the bundle of papers. Meanwhile, Tina was silent on the other end of the phone.
“A deed?” I asked, confused as hell.
“It’s a three-bedroom, two-bath condo, on the hill, fireplace, high ceilings, the works, and it’s for you. Happy birthday!”
“Tina, I don’t get it,” I said, still confused.
“Celess, it’s not rocket science! I want you to move down here,” Tina snapped.
“What? Move to L.A.? But what am I gonna do down there?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Don’t worry about all that. You’re my girl. You know I got you,” Tina assured me.
“I know you’re well off, but that’s for now. It’s no guarantee you’ll be married to Derrek forever. I mean, he is twice your age. And I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to depend on his money. Shit, I’m not the nigga’s wife,” I told her.
“Well, we’re gonna ride the bitch till the wheels fall off,” Tina said. “And if push comes to shove, we’ll go back to runnin’ G on niggas for a living.”
“Now, that’s the Tina I know!” I said, getting all excited.
“So are you coming or what?”
There was a brief silence. I thought about Michael. I was really feeling him, and you could call it love, but I knew the reality of our situation and it was already in my mind that one day our relationship would have to end-one day soon.
“All right,” I said.
Tina screamed joyously on the other end of the phone. I was happy too, but I just needed time to take it all in.
Tina and I made plans to bring the New Year in together one last time in Philly where it all began. I was expecting her in two weeks, and we had major plans. In the meantime I had a lot of preparing to do for my new life in L.A. I had to work on selling my house and my car. I had to do something with my furniture. But the most difficult thing I had to do was wrap things up with Michael. I kept trying to pipe myself up. The day would come sooner or later, I told myself. Even if I stayed in Philly, I would not have been able to maintain a relationship with him for but so long.
“L.A.? For what?” Michael asked.
“To be with Tina,” I said softly.
“Tina’s married. She has her husband out there with her. What does she need you there for?”
“You don’t understand,” I said.
“Well, then, help me understand. I mean, I opened you a hair salon, which I thought was your dream come true, and now after only three months you’re ready to just up and abandon it. And what about us? Correct me if I’m wrong, Celess, but I thought we had something good going on.”
“We did, we do, but it’s just that…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not all what I’m cracked up to be.” I sighed.
Michael sat back on the couch and put his hands over his face. He shook his head and then looked at me, confused.
