Earth Unaware

Ed cleared his throat and said, “You wanted to see me, Mr. Mulligan?”

The older man half-closed one eye, which didn’t go very far toward dimming the intensity of the glare. “See here, Wonder, what was the lame-brained idea of taking Miss Fontaine to that kooky meeting last night?”

Ed Wonder looked at him. He opened his mouth, closed it again. He could think of something to say, but there was discretion to consider.

Mulligan rapped, “Miss Fontaine is a highstrung young lady. Very susceptible to suggestion. Uh, delicate.”

Helen Fontaine was about as delicate as a hydrofluoric rubdown. So he had nothing to say in reply to that.

The TV-radio executive growled, “Well, don’t stand there shuffling around like a kid that has to go to the rest room. What’da you got to say?”

Ed had to say, “What’s happened, Mr. Mulligan?”

“What’s happened? How would I know what’s happened? Mr. Fontaine’s had me over the coals for the past ten minutes. The girl’s hysterical. She says this Tubber guy you took her to see hypnotized her, or something.”

Ed shook his head. He took a breath. “She’s not hypnotized.”

“How do you know she’s not hypnotized? She’s hysterical, keeps screaming about this Tubber.”

Ed said placatingly, “I’ve had several hypnotists on the program. In order to straight man for them, I had to cram up on the subject. I was there last night. Believe me, Tubber didn’t hypnotize anybody.”

Mulligan made movements of his mouth as though checking his dentures with his tongue. It came to Ed Wonder that it was just as well that his chief never appeared before camera.

He said finally, “You better get over there and see what you can do. Mr. Jensen isn’t happy about this Tubber character. We’re having a meeting of the chapter tonight. You’d better be there to give a report on what happened.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll go right on over to the Fontaine’s. She’ll probably snap out of it.”

Jensen Fontaine himself met Ed Wonder at the door of the Fontaine mansion. He had evidently been watching the progress of Ed’s Volkshover up the sweep of driveway that culminated in the grandiose entry which vaguely reminded the radioman of the White House.

Actually, he had met Helen’s father a couple of times before but only glancingly. Ed doubted that he was remembered. Evidently the tycoon had long since given up trying to channel his daughter’s life. Certainly he made no effort to censor her escorts.

He bent a grim eye on Ed Wonder now as the radioman ascended the stairs to the double doors, one of which was open. It was a day for grim eyes, Ed decided unhappily. For a long time he had been trying to get next to Jensen Fontaine through his contact with Helen. This wasn’t exactly it.

The older man rapped, “You’re this Edward Wonder?”

“Yes, sir. I have the Far Out Hour from midnight to one.”

“You have what ?”

Ed said unhappily, “On your radio and TV station, sir, WAN-TV. I have the Friday night program on radio from midnight to one o’clock.”

“Radio?” Fontaine rasped indignantly. “Do you mean to tell me that Mulligan still continues radio programs in this day? What’s wrong with television?”

Ed had a strong desire to close his eyes in suffering. However, he said, “Yes, sir. Nothing’s wrong with TV. In fact, I wish we could switch my program over. But there’s some people who can’t look at television.”

“Can’t look at television? Why not! TV has become the American way of life! What kind of people can’t enjoy television? Perhaps this should be looked into, young man!”

“Yes, sir. Well, blind people for one and…”

Jensen Fontaine’s eye went bleaker still.

“…and, well, people who are working and can’t sit down to watch a screen. People who are driving cars manually. There’s lots of people who still listen to radio when they can’t watch TV. I get a lot of truck drivers who listen to my program. And waitresses in all night restaurants. And…”

The elderly tycoon blurted, “I don’t know how in the confounded blasted blazes we got onto this. You’re the young fool who took my daughter to this ridiculous religious quack’s meeting last night?”

“Yes, sir. Yes, I was. I mean did, that is. The question came up whether or not this Ezekiel Joshua Tubber…”

“Who?”

“Yes, sir. Ezekiel Joshua Tubber.”

“Don’t be an idiot. Nobody has a name like that in this day. It’s a pseudonym, young man. And a man who needs a pseudonym is covering something. Probably something subversive.”

“Yes, sir. That’s the question that came up at the last meeting of the local chapter of the Stephen Decatur Society; whether or not this Tubber was subversive. So Helen, that is, Miss Jensen, and I went to attend.”

Some of the bleakness was gone. Jensen said, “Ummm, the society, eh. My country may she always be right …”

“But my country, right or… ah… wrong!” Ed clipped right back at him.

“Excellent, my boy. I wasn’t at the last meeting, Ed. I’ll call you Ed. Busy off at the convention in California. This Tubber is a subversive, eh? What’s he pulled on my daughter, Ed? We’ll get to the bottom of this.” He took Ed Wonder by the arm and led him inside.

“Well, no sir,” Ed told him, answering his first question. “At least it didn’t seem so to me. I’m supposed to make a report to the chapter tonight. Mr. Mulligan arranged it.”

“Hump. Sounds like a subversive to me. What did he do to Helen?”

“I wouldn’t know, sir. I came over to see her. I’d think she’s just upset. She had a bit of fun last night. Heckled Tubber a little and he got sore and cursed her.”

“You mean this charlatan, this, this subversive with the unknown name, actually swore at my daughter!” The glare was back.

“Well, no sir. What I meant was he laid a curse on her. You know, a hex. A spell.”

Jensen dropped Ed Wonder’s arm and stared at him for a long appraising moment.

Ed said, finally, “Yes, sir.” There wasn’t anything else to say.

Jensen Fontaine said, “Come with me, young man.” He led the way to a staircase and ascended it, wordlessly. He led the way down a hall, wordlessly. Around a corner, past a half dozen doors, wordlessly. He opened a door and preceded Ed Wonder through it.

Helen Jensen was in bed, her hair every which way on the pillow, her face pale, and her eyes on the wild side. There were two medical looking coves and a nurse starched Prussian stiff in attendance.

Jensen Fontaine blurted, “Out!”

One of the doctors said smoothly, “I would suggest, Mr. Fontaine that your daughter be given a long rest and complete change of scene. Her hysteria is…”

“Out. All of you,” Fontaine snapped, tossing his head at the trio of medicos.

Three sets of eyebrows went up, but all had evidently had contact with the Fontaine personality before. They gathered up odds and ends and beat a retreat.

Helen said, “Hello, Little Ed.”

Ed Wonder opened his mouth but before even greetings came forth, Jensen Fontaine’s blast chopped him to silence.

“Helen!”

“Yes, Daddy…”

“You get out of that bed. Suppose the newspapers got this. A curse! A hex! My daughter with two of the best diagnosticians and psychiatrists in Ultra-New York in attendance because she’s been hexed. Get out of that bed. What would this do to my name? What would it do to the society if the word went out that prominent members believed in witches?”

He spun violently, glared at Ed Wonder, for some unknown reason, and charged out of the room as though on the way to storm Little Round Top.

Ed looked after him. “How can a man who can’t weigh more than a hundred pounds make that much noise?”