little time.'
Maybe he thought he could keep quiet and the interest would die; maybe he thought he could stand the hounding and pressure. John doubted it; the media would eat Sandoz alive. He was known all over the world, and those hands were like the mark of Cain. There was no safe haven left on Earth for him but the Society of Jesus and even there he was a pariah, poor bastard.
John Candotti had once waded into a street fight simply because he thought the odds were too lopsided. He got his big nose broken for his trouble and the guy he helped wasn't notably grateful. Still, it was the right thing to do.
No matter how badly Sandoz stumbled on Rakhat, John thought, he needs a friend now, so what the hell? It may as well be me.
At that moment, Emilio Sandoz was not thinking about being eaten alive but about eating. He was considering the toast on the breakfast tray Brother Edward had just brought into his room. Edward must have thought it was time for him to try chewing something. His remaining teeth did feel steadier in his gums. And he was ashamed of having his food pureed, of drinking everything through a straw, of being an invalid…
Lost words came back to him, floating up like air through water, bursting into his mind. There were two meanings, two pronunciations of the word invalid. Null and void, he thought. I am invalid.
He stiffened, bracing for the storm, but felt only an emptiness. That's over now, he thought, and went back to the toast. Not yet trusting himself to speak without rehearsal, he worked the sentence out in advance. 'Brother Edward,' he said finally, 'if you would be so kind as to break some bread into small pieces and then to leave me alone?'
'Of course, sir,' Edward said, fussing with the tray, making sure everything was within easy reach.
'That was all English, yes?'
'Yes. And very good English at that, sir.'
'If I mix things, you would tell me.'
'Of course, sir.'
It was often a sequel to torture and isolation: this disorientation, the confusion of languages. Edward Behr had a lot of experience with men like this—bodies shattered, souls reeling. Sizing up this particular situation and the man he found in it, Brother Edward had adopted a sort of British butler persona, which seemed to amuse Sandoz and which allowed him a certain dignity during his most undignified moments. Sandoz required careful handling. His physical condition was so distressing and his political position so difficult that it was easy to forget how many friends this man had lost on Rakhat, how quickly the mission had gone from promise to ruin, how recent it all was for him. A widower himself, Edward Behr recognized grief in others. 'It will all come right in the end, sir,' Edward said as he broke up the toast and moved the plate closer to Sandoz. 'Try to be patient with yourself.'
Edward turned to the window and reached up to pull the curtain open, stretching his portly body to its limit. His wife had called him Teddy Behr, from affection, and because he was built like a stuffed animal. 'If you need anything,' he said to Sandoz, 'I'm near.' And then he left.
It took half an hour to finish a single slice of toast and it wasn't a pretty process, but no one was watching and Sandoz managed. Then to his own continuing surprise, he felt the lethargy take over and fell asleep in the sunlight, slumped in the chair by the window.
A knock on the slightly open door woke him only minutes later. He was incapable of tying a handkerchief around the door lever, a venerable Jesuit custom that meant Do Not Disturb. He might have had Brother Edward do it for him but he hadn't thought of that. He hadn't thought of much lately. That was a mercy. The dreams, of course, were merciless…The knocking came again.
'Come in,' he called, expecting it was Edward, come for the plates. Instead, he saw the Father General's oddly soft and rigid secretary, Johannes Voelker. Startled, he got to his feet and moved back, putting the chair between him and the other man.
Johannes Voelker had a high, penetrating voice that rang in Sandoz's small bare room, and John Candotti heard it when he was still halfway down the hall. The door to the room was open as always, so John was spared the necessity of barging in without knocking.
'Of course, Dr. Sandoz,' Voelker was saying as John entered the room, 'the Father General would like to hear that you have decided to remain among us—'
'The Father General is kind,' Sandoz whispered, glancing warily at John. He was standing in the corner, his back against the wall. 'I need a little time. I won't trouble you longer than necessary.'
'Ah. You see, Candotti?' Voelker said, turning to John. 'He is determined. A pity but there are circumstances when a man leaves for the good of the Society,' Voelker said briskly, returning to Sandoz, 'and I shall commend such an honorable decision. Naturally, we will be happy to shelter you until you have fully recovered your strength, Dr. Sandoz.'
Here's your hat, John Candotti thought, what's your hurry? Incensed, he was about to tell the Austrian to take a hike when he saw the shaking start. At first, John put it down to illness. Sandoz had almost died. He was still very frail. 'Sit down, Father,' John said quietly and went to the man's side to guide him back into the chair. He moved behind Sandoz and glared at Voelker. 'Father Voelker, I think Father Sandoz could use some rest. Now.'
'Oh, dear. I have tired you. Forgive me.' Voelker moved without further prompting to the door.
'Voelker's a jerk,' John Candotti said dismissively as the secretary's footsteps receded down the hall. 'Don't let him rattle you. You can take all the time you need. It's not like we're waiting to rent your room out.' He perched on the edge of Emilio's bed, the only other place in the room to sit. 'Are you okay? You look a little—' Scared, he thought, but he said, 'Sick to your stomach.'
'It's…hard. To have so many people around.'
'I can imagine,' John said automatically but then he took it back. 'I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. I can't imagine it, can I?'
There was a brief bleak smile. 'I hope not.'
Sobered, John dropped all thoughts of lecturing this man on real life.
'Look, Father, I hope you don't mind but I was thinking about what might be a help with your hands,' he said after a while, not quite sure why he was embarrassed about mentioning this. Sandoz himself had made no attempt to hide them. Probably, it was thinking about all the things the guy couldn't do for himself. Cut his toenails, shave, go to the can alone. Made you squirm, just considering it all. John rummaged around in his briefcase and pulled out a pair of thin leather gloves, fingers and thumbs removed, cut edges expertly turned and hemmed. 'I mean, eventually, a surgeon could probably reconstruct the palms for you but, see, I thought gloves would sort of hold things together, for now. You still won't have a lot of dexterity, I suppose, but you might be able to grip things this way.' Sandoz looked at him, wide-eyed. 'I mean, you could try them. If they don't work,
'Thank you,' Sandoz said in an odd voice.
Pleased, and relieved that Sandoz had not been offended by his offer, John helped him fit the impossibly long, scarred fingers into the gloves. Why the hell did they do this to him? John wondered, trying to be careful of the raw new tissue that had only recently reclosed. All the muscles of the palms had been carefully cut from the bones, doubling the length of the fingers, and Sandoz's hands reminded John of childhood Halloween skeletons. 'Now that I think of it,' John said, 'cotton might have been better. It's okay. If this pair works out, I'll make another. I've got an idea for a way to fit a spoon into a little loop here, so it would be easier for you to eat. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best, you know?'
Shut up, John, you're babbling, he told himself. Occupied with putting the gloves on, he was for the moment completely unaware of the tears tracing the lines down Sandoz's worn and expressionless face. When he finished with the second glove, John looked up. Appalled, his smile faded.
Sandoz wept silently, still as an icon, for perhaps five minutes. John stayed with him, sitting on the bed, waiting until the man came back from wherever he'd been in memory.
'Father Candotti,' Sandoz said at last, tears drying unacknowledged on his face, 'if ever I should desire a confessor, I shall call upon you.'
John Candotti, speechless for once, began to realize why he had been brought to Rome.
