To be honest, I liked it. Especially the heavy barbecue taste. I could have been eating erasers for all I knew.
- -
Lots of guys are behind bars for crimes that the government wants to do something about, but can't figure out how.
For instance, are stiff sentences for cocaine and other drug use stemming the tide? Right. Now we have crack-as if coke wasn't bad enough. This is a menacing trend. This problem is vexing the population. What I've learned in my life is that the truism is often true: If first you don't succeed try try again. Try it from another angle. Right now, it's like we're running through the forest with our heads down and banging into a tree, and just backing up and running into the tree again life the tree's going to move. Look up, step around the tree, and continue on your way.
Now, I'm in no way advocating drug use, just the rethinking of policies that don't seem to be working. The English plan for making opiates legal and monitoring their use is a small step. I don't think that people are saying, 'Well, since the government is providing it, I might as well become a heroin addict.'
Here's my solution.
Put cocaine in a beverage the way they did when Coca?Cola was first invented. It's soluble in water. (What did
You'd know the coke abusers right away.
'Hey, Frank. Put on a little weight, there.'
'Uh. . yeah, and I didn't get much sleep, either.'
People will do anything not to get fat.
Oh, and no Cocaine?Lite, either.
Behind bars, men always steal glances at other men's penises. No matter how hard they try not to. You get used to it.
In the prison shower it was quick, but definite. You try to act as if you're looking at the drain, but everyone knows better. What you discover is that there are some men who would make women terribly happy. Also, some terribly misshapen men. I think when I say 'misshapen' you know what I'm talking about.
In camp, you don't want to stand too close to a naked man. In prison, you have to-like it or not. There are no private facilities, which bothers some guys more than others.
In fact, in prison they like naked men so much that every time you finish a visit with anyone from the outside you have to strip down for inspection before you go back inside.
Kinda makes you want to stay in your cell.
- -
Admit it, you've been waiting for this.
One guy inside liked me a lot. He'd been convicted of killing two FBI agents. (Didn't do it, of course.) He took care of my clothes. Most of the gay men worked in the laundry. It's a job; they get to sit and gossip.
Even guys who weren't homosexual before will, after a while, try something. Prison and Hollywood are exactly the same thing.
One night this guy came on to me. He tried to convince me that he could satisfy me better than a woman could.
My eyebrows went up as I recoiled.
Then I thought, you know, he's probably got a point there. Who could satisfy a man better than another man? We know what we want. Men hugging men is great. I think we should kiss other men like the Italians. And I think the day is just around the corner when you can blow another man.
'Tony, sorry you lost your job, sit down, let me blow you.'
'Hey, let go of my ears. Hell, I know what fm doing!'
This is one of my favorite stories to tell onstage because you get everyone laughing and suddenly two guys who have been high?fiving each other will stop, and their expressions will say it all: 'Hey! What are we laughing at? This is off?color.'
But I told the guy in prison 'No.'
- -
Guys end up in jail because they don't have goals. Or their goals are the wrong ones.
If life is, in fact, a river, then you have very few options, all of them very clear. You're in a canoe. You can try to paddle upstream and live in the past, looking backward. Then you're going to hit something, and you'll keep wondering why life keeps hitting you in the back. Or you can fight the current but face forward, and not get anywhere. Or you can casually go with the flow and think about pulling over to the side now and then to explore the land. Smell the roses. And some people want to go as fast as they possibly can, straight to hell.
I think I was backpaddling and the canoe flipped over. I had no idea about looking forward and setting a goal. Then I met a guy in prison, at one of these groups, who summed it up best. The greatest missile in the world is useless, he said, unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something.
So it's important for kids-for everyone, even if you fail at first-to target something and head in that direction.
With all your might.
- -
In a way, I was luckier than most. While awaiting sentencing I decided to give stand?up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. It was better than sitting around wondering why I wasn't getting any job offers. I thought that at my sentencing hearing the judge would take my efforts into consideration. He didn't. But, as you know, being funny saved my life-on the inside, in my inside, and, as I was soon to discover, on the outside.
Plus I had a few uninterrupted years with no responsibilities, to work on my material. Nothing like a glass that's half full.
the wonderful world of guys
Coming from my perspective, I can now with some authority discuss the Wonderful World of Guys. Because I've been with men for a long time, I now have a clear appreciation of their strengths and their weaknesses. And their real motivations.
1. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH OLDER GUYS
Being with older guys is potentially hurtful because, when they get bored, you're it. They pick on the younger kids who decided to hang with them.
On the other hand, you learn things. 'So that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth.' 'Wow, cigarettes really burn your hands when you do that?'
Older guys are always a step ahead.
They can also run fast and ditch you quickly, leaving you alone in an odd and unsavory neighborhood with no protection.
When you're finally older, the line between you and guys still older becomes blurred. Now you can golf with your dad. Now you can both appreciate the lady bartender at the nineteenth tee. And you can also, finally, say to him: 'Oh, so that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth.'
2. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH YOUNGER GUYS
This is when you're saying, 'I don't want him with us.' And 'He'll eat ants if we ask him to. He'll just eat ants because we'll
