Appassionata

A radiant Reverend Mother.

IMMACULATA

FAT ISOBEL

A very large viola player.

JISON

A dodgy local car dealer.

BRUCE KENNEDY

American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

KEVIN

A social worker.

MARIA KUSAK

A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.

LORD LEATHERHEAD

Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.

BORIS LEVITSKY

A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.

LILI

A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.

LINCOLN

Fifth Horn of the RSO.

HILARY LLOYD

Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.

SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH

Musical Director and Principal Conductor of the RSO. Absolute sweetie and sly old fox, who lets others do the worrying.

GEORGIE MAGUIRE

World-famous singer and song writer.

CARL MATTHESON

Homespun American contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

JUNO MEADOWS

Second Flute of the RSO. Tiny and tantalizingly pretty, known as the ‘Steel Elf’.

MARY MELVILLE

Principal Second Violin of the RSO. A doting mother known as ‘Mary-the-Mother-of-Justin’.

SISTER MERCEDES

A very butch nun.

QUINTON MITCHELL

Third Horn of the RSO who wants to be First Horn.

SALVADOR MOLINARI

A naughty Colombian playboy.

MILITANT MOLL

A fiercely feminist rank-and-file viola player of the RSO.

ALEXEI NEMEROVSKY

Principal dancer of the Cossak Russe Ballet Company, known as ‘The Treat from Moscow’.

NELLIE NICOLSON

Third Desk cellist of the RSO known as ‘Nellie the Nympho’.

NINION

Second Oboe. Militant Moll’s exceedingly hen-pecked boyfriend.

NORIKO

An adorably pretty Japanese; rank-and-file First Violin of the RSO.

DECLAN O’HARA

Irish television presenter and megastar. Managing director of Venturer Television.

DEIRDRE O’NEILL

Irish judge at the Appleton Piano Competition, fond of a drop, known as ‘Deirdre of the Drowned Sorrows’.

VICTOR (VIKING) O’NEILL

First Horn and hero of the orchestra because of his great glamour, glorious sound and rebellious attitude. The Godfather of the Celtic Mafia.

SIMON PAINSHAW

First Oboe of the RSO. A walking Grove’s Dictionary who spends his time brooding on his reeds.

PEGGY PARKER

Owner of Parker and Parker department store in Rutminster High Street. A bossy boots and overbearing member of the RSO board.

ROGER ‘SONNY’ PARKER

Her frightful son, a composer of even more frightful modern music.

MISS PARROTT

The rather heavenly RSO harpist.