The Kill-Off

'Well,' I said. 'I guess I could probably eat a couple of those fresh crullers you made this morning. Maybe a couple of cups of good strong coffee, too. All at once, I'm actually really pretty hungry, Mama.'

'You know, I kind of am myself, girl,' Mama said. 'You just stay here and rest, and I'll bring us up a bite.'

She brought up some coffee and a half-dozen crullers, and a couple of big thick pot roast sandwiches. We were both pretty full when we finished-at least, I couldn't have eaten anything more. And I felt kind of peaceful, dull peaceful, you know, like you do when you're full.

A fly buzzed against the screen. A nice little breeze drifted through the window, bringing the smell of alfalfa blossoms. I guess nothing smells quite as good as alfalfa, unless it's fresh-baked bread. I wondered why Mama wasn't baking today, because she almost always puts dough to set on Sunday night, and bakes bread on Monday.

'Guess I just didn't have the will for it,' she said, when I asked her about it. 'You bake all day in this weather, and it takes the house a week to cool off.'

'It wouldn't if you cooked with gas,' I said. 'You ought to make him put in gas, Mama!'

Mama made a sort of sour-funny face. She asked me if I'd ever known of anyone to make Papa do anything. 'Anyway,' she added, slowly. 'I don't think he could do it now, even if he wanted to. I don't think he's burning coal any more just to bother the neighbors.'

I said that, well, I thought so. I knew so. 'Why did you ever marry him anyway, Mama? You must have known what he was like. There certainly must have been some signs of it.'

'Well…' She brushed a wisp of hair back from her forehead. 'I told you the why of it about a hundred times already, girl. He was older than me, so he got out of the orphanage first. And then he started dropping back to visit, after he was making money, so…'

'But you just didn't marry him to get away from the place?' I said. 'That wasn't the only reason, was it?'

'No, of course not,' Mama said.

'He was different then, Mama? You were in love with him?'

She looked down in her lap again, twisting her hands. Words like 'love' always embarrass Mama, and her face was a little flushed.

'It wasn't the only reason I married him,' she said. 'Just to get away from the orphanage. But maybe… I kind of think maybe he thought it was. We shouldn't talk about him like we do, girl. Shouldn't even think things like we do. He's pretty sensitive, you know, quick to catch on to what someone else is thinkin', and-'

'Well, it's his own fault,' I said. 'What else can he expect, anyway?'

Mama shook her head. She didn't say anything.

'Mama,' I said. 'What did you mean a minute ago when you said Papa probably couldn't have the house piped for gas, even if he wanted to? You didn't mean he didn't have the money, did you?'

'No, of course, not. I didn't mean anything-just thinking nonsense and I said it out loud,' Mama said quickly. 'Don't you ever breathe a word around about your Papa not having money, girl.'

I said I wouldn't. In the first place it would be silly and a lie; and then it would make Papa awfully mad. 'He's got all kinds of money,' I said, 'and, Mama, I just g-got to-'

I started crying again. Right out of a clear blue sky without any warning.

'I can't stand it any longer!' I said. 'I'm getting so scared, and-could you get some money from him, Mama? Make him give you enough for me and Bobbie to-'

I didn't finish the question. It was too foolish. I wouldn't even have started to ask it if I hadn't been half-scared to death.

'I don't know why he has to be so hateful!' I said. 'If he wants to-to- Why doesn't he do something to that dirty old Luane Devore? She's the one that's causing all the trouble!'

'There, there, girl,' Mama mumbled. 'No use in getting yourself-'

'Well, why doesn't he?' I said. 'Why doesn't he do something to her?'

'He wouldn't see no call to,' Mama said. 'As long as it was the truth, why Papa wouldn't…'

She frowned, her voice trailing off into silence. I spoke to her a couple times, saying that it wasn't fair and that I just couldn't go on any longer. But she didn't say anything back to me.

Finally, when I was about ready to yell, I was getting so nervous, she sighed and shook her head.

'I… I guess not, girl. I thought I had a notion about some place I might get some money for you, but I guess I can't.'

'But maybe I could!' I said. 'Bobbie and me! Who-'

'You keep out of it,' Mama said sharply. 'You couldn't get it, even if it could be got. I thought for a moment I might get it, part of it anyway, because I'm your Papa's wife. But-'

'But I could try!' I said. 'Please, Mama! Just tell me who it is, and-'

'I told you you couldn't get it,' Mama said, 'and trying wouldn't get you anything but trouble. This party would tell Papa about it, and you know what would happen then.'

'Well…' I hesitated. 'I guess you're probably right, Mama. If you couldn't get it, why, I don't see how I could. Is it an old debt someone owes Papa?'

Mama said it was kind of a debt. It was and it wasn't. And there was no way that the party could be forced to pay it.

'For one thing,' she added, 'the party's got no money to pay with that I know of. Papa thinks different-I kind of got the notion he does from some things he's let slip- but you know him. Someone says something is white, why he'll say it's black, just to be contrary.'

'I just can't imagine,' I said. 'I just can't see Papa letting someone get away without paying him what they owe.'

'I told you,' Mama said. 'They-this party don't really owe it. I mean, they do and they ought to pay, but-'

'Tell me who it is, Mama,' I said. 'Please, please, Mama. I-I've got to do something. I c- can't be any worse off than I am now. If you won't see the party, do anything to help me, at least-'

'I can't girl.' Mama bit her lip. 'You know I would if-'

'Can't what?' I said. 'You can't help me, or you can't let me help myself?'

'I-I just…' She pushed herself to her feet, started loading dishes back onto the tray. 'I'll tell you how you can help yourself,' she said, looking hurt and sullen. 'You can just stay away from that Bobbie Ashton until he's ready to marry you.'

I started crying again, burying my face in my hands. I said, what good would that do, for heaven's sake. Bobbie might get mad or interested in someone else. Anyway, even if I did stop seeing him, it wouldn't change anything when Papa found out about us.

'You k-know I'm right, Mama,' I sobbed. 'H-he'd still-he'll kill us, Mama! H-he's going to kill me, and- and I've got no one to turn to. You won't h-help me, a-and you w-won't let me do anything. All you can do is just fuss around and mumble, a-and ask m-me if I want something to eat, a-and-'

The dishes rattled on the tray. One of the cups toppled over into its saucer. Then, I heard her turn and shuffle toward the door.

'All right, girl,' she said, dully. 'I'll do it tonight.'

'M-Mama-' I took my hands away from my face. 'You know I didn't mean what I said, Mama.'

'It's all right,' Mama said. 'You didn't say anything that wasn't true.'

'But I didn't-you'll do what, Mama?'

'I'll see that party tonight. It won't do no good, I'm pretty sure, but I'll do it.'