women, fat women, housewives, secretaries, hookers,
teachers, students. I simply could not bear it. So I stopped
giving the speech. I thought I would die from it. I learned
what I had to know, and more than I could stand to know.
My life on the road was an exhausting mixture of good
and bad, the ridiculous and the sublime. One fairly typical
example: I gave the last lecture in
Cause, ” my favorite) on my twenty-ninth birthday. I had
written it as a birthday present to myself. The lecture was
sponsored by a Boston-based political collective. They were
supposed to provide transportation and housing for me and,
because it was my birthday and I wanted my family with me,
my friend and our dog. I had offered to come another time
but they wanted me then— en famille. One collective
member drove to New York in the most horrible thunderstorm I have ever seen to pick us up and drive us back to Boston. The other cars on the road were blurs of red light
here and there. The driver was exhausted, it was impossible
to see; and the driver did not like my political views. He
kept asking me about various psychoanalytic theories, none
of which I had the good sense to appreciate. I kept trying to
change the subject—he kept insisting that I tell him what I
thought of so-and-so—every time I got so cornered that I
had to answer, he slammed his foot down on the gas pedal.
I thought that we would probably die from the driver’s
fatigue and fury and God’s rain. We were an hour late, and
the jam-packed audience had waited. The acoustics in the
room were superb, which enhanced not only my own voice
but the endless howling of my dog, who finally bounded
through the audience to sit on stage during the question-
and-answer period. The audience was fabulous: involved,
serious, challenging. Many of the ideas in the lecture were
new and, because they directly confronted the political
nature of male sexuality, enraging. The woman with whom
we were supposed to stay and who was responsible for our
trip home was so enraged that she ran out, never to return.
We were stranded, without money, not knowing where to
turn. A person can be stranded and get by, even though she
will be imperiled; two people with a German shepherd and
no money are in a mess. Finally, a woman whom I knew
slightly took us all in and loaned us the money to get home.
Working (and it is demanding, intense, difficult work) and
traveling in such endlessly improvised circumstances require
that one develop an affection for low comedy and gross
melodrama. I never did. Instead I became tired and
demoralized. And I got even poorer, because no one could
ever afford to pay me for the time it took to do the writing.
I did not begin demanding realistic fees, secure accommodations, and safe travel in exchange for my work until after the publication of
