Who to Call:
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Schedule a regular call with family members
Weekly calls with your parents and your in-laws is a good place to start. This is not only a great way for your children and their grandparents (aunts, uncles, etc.) to build and maintain close relationships, but it also provides tons of pleasure for Grandma and Grandpa. Nothing beats real visits, but video calls are second best.
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Laugh with your kids
There is plenty of science behind the fact that laughing increases bonding hormones and decreases stress hormones. Laughing will not only strengthen your relationships with your children, it may also help them to sleep better and to be more cooperative. And of course, laughing with your spouse can lead to other great things …
Offline Family Activities We Enjoy:
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Unplug as a family
Spend time together as a family completely unplugged and doing activities offline. Try a family bike ride, hike, or play hide-and-seek. Have a sing-along, juggle, build a snowman. Make a batch of popcorn, snuggle up together, and read. Turning off phones (and other devices) and stowing them out of sight allows time for focused family fun, relaxation, and interaction. If you can do this regularly, it will become a welcome and enjoyable respite for everyone. Perhaps for you most of all!
Loving a child doesn’t mean giving in to all his whims; to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult.
—Nadia Boulanger
CHAPTER 3RULES AND RESPECT
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Say NO with conviction
NO should not be your go-to, knee-jerk response. But when you do say NO, make sure you mean it. If you are not sure, give yourself time to think with a “Let me get back to you on that.” Once you deliver your NO, stick to your guns and do not leave the door open for your child’s attempts to negotiate. Nicely say, “I have made my decision” and walk away or resume whatever you were doing. There is no need to feel guilty about saying NO. You know what is best for your child. NO does not mean you are being mean. It means you are being a conscientious parent.
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Set boundaries
Family boundaries are personal and individual and arise from asking yourself what you consider non-negotiable. For example, “In this family, we never treat each other with disrespect” is an expectation that stems from your values and a position from which you will not budge. When your child knows that sitting in the front seat of the car before she is old enough is never, ever, ever going to happen, she will come to understand that asking is futile. Knowing where you draw the line helps your child feel safe.
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Stoop to their level—literally
When having an important conversation, try to be eye to eye with your children instead of talking to them from above (literally, “talking down to them”). What you say will be heard more openly; they will feel less intimidated. Sit together on the floor and hold your child on your lap, or if you are standing, maybe let your child sit on a counter. If your child is already taller than you, have your discussions sitting down.
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Set rules
Rules are simply stated guidelines and expectations. They usually refer to behaviors that, when followed, make life run more smoothly. The main reason to have rules is so you do not have to revisit every situation every time it comes up. If your rule is no phones at mealtime, then there is no need to discuss it each time you sit down to eat. Rules are not optional and should be consistently enforced. Unlike boundaries, there are times when rules can be broken, or even reviewed and updated. However, each time you “bend” a rule, you run the risk of diminishing how your children view what is expected of them, so proceed with caution.
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Let kids help make the rules
When they are old enough, it is great to have kids participate in the rule-making. When your children are invested in the rules, they will better understand their usefulness and will be more inclined to follow them. Their participation will also help them feel more respected as family members. Allow children to revisit and reevaluate the rules with you as needed. Win, win, win!
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Set limits
Limits are typically for things that can be quantified: bedtime, the number of cookies allowed after dinner, how much time to spend in front of a screen, the number of consecutive days a bath can be skipped, etc. You can even set limits on how many times your child can whine on Saturdays. Life is not a free-for-all, and limits help us manage that slippery place between what we want and what is good for us. Setting limits for your children teaches them how to set limits for themselves.
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Use an imaginary leash
Have you ever seen one of those extension leashes for dogs? The dog is tethered, but the leash extends (by a lot) to give the dog room to explore. Use this image to offer some independence and freedom to your child. Each year, allow the leash to get a little longer. Maybe they can walk farther with friends, or they can make their own decisions about how to spend their birthday money. You can always give the leash a gentle tug if need be. By senior year of high school, your child should be able to function with almost complete independence; the leash should be gone!
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Respect your child’s privacy
Keeping your child safe may sometimes require you to be in their business, but as much as possible, try to run a home
