Revised and expanded
Text copyright © 2017, 2020 by Susan G. Groner.
Illustrations copyright © 2020 by Sanna Mander.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher.
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-951412-04-3
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-951412-14-2
LCCN: 2019915952
Manufactured in China.
Design by Andrea Kelly
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
The Collective Book Studio
Oakland, California
www.thecollectivebook.studio
To my parents, and to all the parents that I have learned from and continue to learn from. I use your lessons every day.
—Sue
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
—Kahlil Gibran
In This Book…
Opening Words
Parenting Golden Rules
Family Time
Rules and Respect
Perspective and Judgment
Gratitude and Attitude
Food and Dining
Forbidden Phrases
Life Skills
Family Management
One Last Tip
Acknowledgements
Opening Words
When I was a young mother, I was constantly second-guessing my parenting decisions. How much screen time? How much allowance? What type of chores? Music lessons or sports? Scheduled time or downtime? The list was endless.
Friends, articles, and parenting books provided plenty of advice. I would read a chapter or two (who has time to read a whole book?) and embark on a new parenting direction. My husband could always tell when I had embraced a “New Plan” because I would start enforcing new regulations and change how I spoke to the kids. Worst of all, I would become anxious anew that I had been doing everything all wrong. How would my children ever become the smartest, nicest, and most talented kids in the world given that I had messed things up so badly?
What I have come to realize since is that every child, every parent, and every family unit functions differently, and there is no one answer or directive that will work for everyone. Still, most of us want the same thing—for our children to be safe, for our children to feel loved, and for our children to grow up to be confident, capable, caring adults. On top of that, I wanted to feel good while raising my children. My goal was to find parenting strategies that did not suck the joy out of being a parent.
I have tried many approaches, some with better results than others. One revelation for me was when I decided to let myself become visibly excited about giving my children permission to do something they really wanted to do, rather than behave as if I were reluctantly doing them a big favor. This little shift in attitude helped to make a big difference in my relationship with my kids.
I was first encouraged to write this book by Dayna Steele, who thought I could offer parents some practical, actionable skills to help them improve their parenting. The tips I have culled here are meant to help you relax and find more enjoyment on the route to raising resilient, self-sufficient young adults. This book is designed to be an easy-to-read, pick-up-every-now-and-then reference that may help you look at your parenting style in a different light. If you find a tip that resonates with you, give it a try. If it does not work for you, let it go. Most important, do not get down on yourself if you have been doing things differently. The mere fact that you are reading this book makes you a good parent. It means you are making an effort and that you care.
I hope what I have put together here helps other parents feel more confident, competent, and inspired in discovering what works best for their families.
I think we are defined by the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat other people.
—Oprah Winfrey
CHAPTER 1PARENTING GOLDEN RULES
1
Say YES with joy
If you know you are ultimately going to drive your child to the mall, let your daughter have a 3-person sleepover or allow your son an extra cookie after dinner—just go straight to a happy YES! When you offer up an awesome gesture as if you are doing your kids a big favor, it takes the fun out of it. It is so easy to add joy to your delivery with “Sure!” or “I’d be happy to!” or “Let’s do that!” Your enthusiasm will make your child feel even better about your YES, but best of all, it will make you feel great.
2
Do not brag about your child
When someone brags about how exceptional their child is, do you ever feel, a teeny-tiny bit, as if your child does not measure up? Well, that is how other parents feel when you brag about your child. As parents, we need to keep this tendency in check. Your child may be exceptional, but leave the heralding for the grandparents.
3
Respect your team
Teachers, coaches, lesson instructors—they are all a part of your parenting team. Your child may be benched or not performing well at school, and you may be frustrated, but do not yell at or blame someone else. Your child needs to see you treat the authority figures in their lives with respect. Do ask privately and politely if there is something your child could do to thrive more in that environment. Lots can get accomplished through teamwork. Little gets done through finger-pointing or blaming.
4
Do not discipline other children
This can get ugly, really fast. Every parent has his or her own way of disciplining, and most are not comfortable with (or appreciative of) someone else taking on that role. Unless the child is in real danger, leave it alone. If a child is being rude in your home or not abiding by your rules, you can simply ask for the child to leave. (Call the parent and explain delicately.) You may even want to explain to the child that he or she is welcome back when they are comfortable following the rules of your home. Anything beyond that is just not your place.
5
Pay attention to timing, manner, and intonation (TMI)
You know what is likely to set your children off. Do not bring
