37
Have realistic expectations
If you expect things to be perfect, you will undoubtedly be disappointed—often. If you expect that things will sometimes go wrong, you can relax and laugh about it when they do. Planning your child’s birthday party? Arranging a special evening with your partner? Looking forward to a family afternoon? Enjoy the planning and the process, but don’t expect a flawless event. Adjusting expectations helps you go with the flow.
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Your child is not a Mini-Me
This may come as a shocker, but your child is going to like things you don’t like and may be interested in things you’re not interested in. Just because you loved playing piano, doesn’t mean they will. They may love dancing even if you have two left feet. Rather than directing your child toward your interests and talents and thereby discounting their own dreams and passions, offer them opportunities to discover what they love. Don’t worry. There will be plenty of other ways your little apple falls close to the tree.
39
Lose the P word
Move away from “Perfect” in all its forms: perfectly … perfected … perfection. Striving for perfection can create unnecessary stress for you and your children. It also causes disappointment as it’s usually an unobtainable goal. Kids often avoid trying something new because they don’t think they will be successful. So instead of evaluating the result, praise for hard work and effort. Similarly, you do not have to be a Super Mom to be a great mom. Rather than judging yourself against a perfect ideal, praise yourself for what you have done and start to embrace the delicious feeling of being “good enough.”
40
Failure is your friend
Every chance you get, let your child know failure is merely one step in the learning process. Let him know frustration is not only normal but a necessary part of mastering something new. Let him see you struggle to learn something. Likely, your child sees you doing only what you are already good at. Share with him out loud what you think you might do differently next time you attempt that pineapple upside-down cake. And, ask him what he might do differently if he is having trouble landing that kick flip. There is no such thing as failure if you learn something from it moving forward.
41
Call your childhood self to mind
Try to remember what you were like as a child or teen. Be honest. Were you the super-organized person you are today? Did you do everything you were told? Were you the perfect specimen of a child and after you they broke the mold? Chances are, the answer to each of these questions is no. It takes a long time for the rational, good-sense, non-impulsive part of our brains to develop fully; estimates are 25 years! Children are evolving into the grown-ups they will eventually become—just as you did. Keep that in mind.
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Everyone is different
This seems obvious, but it’s worth reminding yourself you and your child are not necessarily wired the same way. She may not be organized by nature. He may not be a morning person. You may be a procrastinator and have a child who gets stressed out when she is not on time. We all march to the beat of our own drum, and when you parent to their beat, rather than the beat you think they should be playing, you and your child can develop a lovely rhythm together.
43
Do not pick or judge your children’s friends
At some point, your child will have a friend or two (or three) who you just don’t care for. A tough guy, a queen bee, a kid with no manners, a youngster who is not as studious as you would like. Resist the urge to “shield” your child and keep your negative opinions to yourself. A friend that does not fit your child’s usual mold may fill a need you are not aware of. Maybe your daughter needs a break from feeling like such an academic, and she wants to try and fit in more with the cool kids. Maybe this friendship is an opportunity for her to learn how to put on a little makeup or master a video game. Let your children learn to feel confident maneuvering the ups and downs of friends and cliques on their own.
44
Pick your battles
Not everything is worth an argument. If your son wants to hang posters in his room, but you don’t think they go with the décor, or you don’t want to ruin the walls, or you simply don’t like them, first ask yourself: Is my child going to get hurt by doing this? Is anyone going to get hurt? Is this really a big deal in the grand scheme of things? This brief line of questioning can be employed for clothing choices, food choices, movie choices—practically anything. Your ability to not sweat the small stuff will not only keep the peace, it also helps your child understand the importance of things you do need to clamp down on.
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Adjust your attitude about mistakes
Telling your children to learn from their mistakes is a great lesson—one of the most important—but you need to walk the walk. Shifting your own idea about mistakes or problems changes your worldview. What if you taught your children to welcome their mistakes and talk about them, rather than live life trying to avoid them? What if you sat down at dinner and said, “What mistakes did we each make today?” What if everyone in your family felt they could share mishaps without feeling judged? You can almost hear the sighs of relief.
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Do not dismiss your children’s concerns
Kids’ concerns can seem random and outlandish; your job is to figure out what they are really asking. “Mommy, what if you get really sick?” probably means “Who is going to take care of me?” Telling your daughter that her concern
