What are you most afraid of?
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Have family dinner often
Family dinners are linked to everything from higher self-esteem to lower incidences of substance abuse. If you or your partner work too late to make this realistic, maybe try a family milk and cookies before bedtime. Or a family breakfast a few times a week. Coming together regularly, all of you, sets family time as an important commitment. Even if it seems inconvenient, kids grow to value this stabilizing ritual in their lives.
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Have kids participate in meal prep and clean-up
Peeling carrots. Setting the table. Pouring water. Clearing dishes. Filling the dishwasher. There is practically no end to what your child can help you with. It doesn’t need to be a big something, but it should be a regular something. Teach your child early that meals don’t just happen and many hands make light work. Helping allows kids of all ages to feel useful and important. It also teaches kids that being helpful is awesome.
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Use the 80/20 rule
Do not create a life of stress around food. Eighty percent of the time, try to eat healthy foods, organic when you can, avoiding excessive sugar and carbs. The other twenty percent of the time, relax and enjoy. The stress of trying to eat only organic, grass-fed, whole-grain, unprocessed, extra-virgin everything can be worse for your health than occasionally eating food that’s not ideal. This rule of thumb will also help older children navigate the junk food wasteland when you are not around.
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Sometimes break the rules
Breaking food rules not only makes you seem more fun, it also helps kids understand diets that are too restrictive are not what life is about. Offer ice cream for breakfast or pancakes for dinner. Let them pick whatever unconventional meal they want on their birthday or packed for their school lunch. Have a no-veggie vacation! Breaking food rules occasionally is silly and fun, and nobody will get hurt. Your children will think this is the greatest thing ever.
Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life, and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.
—Gary Smalley
CHAPTER 7FORBIDDEN PHRASES
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What did you do in school today?
After a full day of school and other activities, your children may want to chill by themselves to unwind, download, or regroup. Most kids need to decompress when they get home. Leave them alone and don’t start asking about their day until dinnertime. Instead, tell them about your day. If they’re getting in the car, play some music they like. When they come off the school bus, have a snack waiting. These little acts show love.
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Leave me alone
When your child wants to spend time with you, hearing you say, “leave me alone” can feel hurtful. Even adults don’t want to hear this from anyone. If your daughter wants your attention, but you need to be alone, explain this to her; tell her when you will be available and how you look forward to spending time with her. If she doesn’t yet tell time, keep a little kitchen timer on hand, set it, and ask her to come get you when it goes off. If you need to be alone because you are exhausted and need some me-time, explain this, too. They may be kids, but they will understand you are human. This is another excellent time to model communication skills and how people need to take care of themselves.
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Go to your room
This will make your child feel alone and unloved at a time when they need your love and support. Your reason for sending your child away is most likely because of some sort of acting up or bad behavior. Let your child know you recognize they are angry, frustrated, or sad, and then hold them tight. If this doesn’t work, tell your child you are going to give them a little time in their room to let out their frustrations. Check in a few minutes later and give more hugs.
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What were you thinking?
Or “Why would you do that?” or “What’s the matter with you?” serve only to belittle your child and make her feel terrible about herself. Chances are she was not really thinking at all. When your children make mistakes or do things they should not have done, instead of accusing or yelling, ask them what they might have done differently. Give them time to reflect; they may not figure things out right away. Asking this question gives them an opportunity to problem solve and to revisit a poor choice without making them feel any worse than they already do.
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Wow, that is great!
When your child shows you their latest masterpiece, responding with, “That’s beautiful” or, “I love it!” is certainly positive, but it does not convey your engagement. In fact, in some cases, it can even make you seem uninterested or dismissive, surely the opposite of what you hope to communicate. Be specific with your compliments and point out details in your child’s work—from art projects to term papers—which will help build their self-esteem.
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You are a bad child
Avoid labeling. Telling your daughter she is “bad” because she hit her brother is a message that may stay with her long after the incident has passed. It may even unintentionally become part of how she sees herself—which is probably not what you want! If you must label, keep it to the behavior, not the person. Say “Hitting is bad” rather than “You are bad.”
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Why didn’t you … ?
No matter how you fill in the blanks, this question will sound judgmental and will put your children on the defensive. Instead, try helping them come up with a better way to remember a responsibility or whatever was forgotten. Again, this helps children learn to problem solve now and throughout their lives.
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Lose the word “stupid”
This is one instance where,
